Tag Archives: Humor

Forest Boy Actually Forrest Gump Boy

September 29, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Berlin Police have now begun casting doubts about the truth of the story given by the so-called “Forest Boy” who claims to have lived in a forest somewhere for five years before showing up at Berlin City Hall one day to ask for help, just like that or something.

His recent refusal to co-operate in the investigation to help discover his true identity has made many here suspicious and has even led some officials to believe that he is in fact a “Forrest Gump Boy,” one of those simpleton-like boys who travel around the world in an attempt to meet historical figures, influence popular culture and experience firsthand some of the historic events of the early 21st century (not that anything of historic interest would ever happen here in Berlin, but still).

Dumm ist der, der Dummes tut.

Google Still Evil

September 28, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

But at least it saves German companies tons of money.

Something called the Institute for German Economy has just found out that fast research (and other services) carried out using Google saves German companies some 6.84 euros per employee per year. And how did they find this stuff out? I dunno. I guess they googled it or something.

Unfortunately, Google doesn’t seem to be helping the German national debt very much these days. In absolute terms, every German citizen carries 24,904 euros worth of public debt, whatever public debt is worth these days. Are we having a Greece here yet?

„Wirkungsvolle Online-Tools sind heute entscheidend für Umsatz, Produktivität und Innovationsfähigkeit vieler Unternehmen.“ 

I Can’t Look Away

September 27, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Health, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Nor blink anymore. Remember the old days when addiction had to do with actual addiction? I mean, with an actual substance? No, I guess you don’t.

Anyways, a new fear industry report tells us that some 560,000 Germans are now “addicted” to the Internet. How shocking or something.

Addiction here means that these poor lamentable victims can no longer stop surfing on their own (that’s why they – and we – need the fear industry, see?). Like the helpless zombies that they are, these addicts live day and night (mostly night) in a so-called “virtual world” because it is there and only there that they can find fulfillment and recognition (albeit virtual fulfillment and virtual recognition).

And their addiction is in fact so way bad out of control that many of these victims (and I really want to stress the word victims here) no longer go to school, university or, gulp, even work (even when they have work, which most probably don’t, and which can also be very addictive, by the way, the work, I mean).

Doesn’t anybody out there care? Other than me (not)?

And doesn’t anybody out there other than me break out in loud laughter when reading ridiculous nonsense like this? Hello? Does anybody read me? Or am I lost in my “virtual world” again? Uh oh. The sun’s coming up.

Das seien etwa ein Prozent der 14- bis 64-Jährigen, sagte die Drogenbeauftragte der Bundesregierung.

Pope Too Religious For Germans

September 26, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Always talking about spiritual renewal, faith, the heart, love, apostles, saints and stuff like that, many German Catholics were clearly disappointed with Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to his homeland over the weekend.

“It’s like an obsession with this guy or something,” one irritated non-churchgoer said. “All he ever talks about is freakin’ religion. He didn’t bring up sexual abuse, abortion, celibacy or letting women become priests once. Boring. I thought he’d never leave.”

The pope drew hundreds of thousands of German faithful to services held on stops during his trip, including a final Mass early Sunday that attracted about 100,000 people to an airfield beside Freiburg’s airport.

What Identity Do I Wear Today?

September 23, 2011 By in Habitudes, Health, Heconomy, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

So what do you want, Germany? The Germans don’t even know themselves what they want with Europe and/or Germany: In a survey this September by Der Spiegel, clear majorities of Germans said that it wasn’t right to help Greece and other countries with the bailout fund and that Germany was not benefiting from the euro zone. But a clear majority also believed that European institutions should be given more power in a crisis. Classic German schizophrenia again or what?

Not that it matters or anything. In the final analysis nobody is asking you what you want: The European Union is a union not of peoples but of heads of state. “General Franco was a head of state, too.”

Nope, I still don’t know what “Europe” is supposed to mean here, but I keep getting the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one living in Europe who feels that way. It’s just that I, as a non-European, have the luxury of being able to admit that I don’t get it and that I don’t really care.

But as this latest crisis develops, one thing seems certain. Whatever Europe may be, it clearly has something to do with illusion.  Illusion with an s on the end. With lots of illusions. One illusion after the next. Here’s one, for example:

Europe is founded on the illusion of German money without German control. And that bargain has worked, until now, because of the way Germany sees itself within Europe (which itself, as the polls suggest, is an illusion).

“As a good German one has to be a good European.”

Japanese Typhoon May Shut Down More German Nuclear Power Plants If They Can Still Find Any In Operation

September 22, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s all over. All over again already, I mean. German press reports have confirmed that typhoon Roke has reached Fukushima ITSELF.

Worse still, the dreadful storm has wreaked havoc there, having damaged one of the facility’s surveillence cameras. It may have even knocked it down. German citizens in or around Japan would be asked to leave the area immediately if there were any there to be asked to do so but there aren’t, so they won’t be. German citizens at home are asked to remain there, at home, until further notice.

It goes without saying that Germany’s nuclear energy policy will certainly be reviewed again although there’s not all that much more nuclear energy left here to policy anymore.

Außer einer durch den Sturm beschädigten Überwachungskamera gab es keine weiteren Schadensmeldungen aus dem bei einem Erdbeben sowie einem Tsunami im März havarierten Atomkraftwerk Fukushima-Daiichi.

No Positions “R” Us

September 21, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Diplomats in New York “have lost faith in Germany?” Was there ever really any faith in Germany to lose?

Apparently there was at one time a German foreign policy maxim to never oppose its European partners and the United States, or that’s what I just read, but I can’t remember that time. Germany’s strategy of avoidance with Libya finally took the Kuchen though, I guess. Like the famous Soviet njet from yesteryear, when push comes to shove, even the slowest and blindest diplomat out there has finally figured out what the German answer will always be: No position, as usual.

And Berlin was actually expecting to get permanent membership and veto power in the United Nations Security Council? What for?

Hey, they shouldn’t sweat it, and they won’t. Isolating themselves and having shrinking influence is better than being isolated and having no influence at all.

“Germany has no position yet, as usual.”

More Angst Underway

September 20, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Health, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

In a shocking new study or something, psychologist expert types have just discovered that up to 17 percent of German young people between the ages of 14 and 20 are currently suffering from the what is now to become the dreaded mass illness ailment sickness known as “social phobia” (formarly known as adolescence). No one has bothered to tell them about it yet, either.

These chronic sufferers, especially the girl ones, regularly avoid situations in which they must meet people they don’t know and do things that they don’t want to do. But there is good news, researchers say. This scourge of mankind (teenkind?) can be treated successfully. By finally growing up already.

“Die gute Nachricht ist, dass soziale Phobien erfolgreich behandelt werden können.”

Wayne’s World

September 19, 2011 By in Helections, High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Kennst Du Wayne? Wayne es interessiert?

Is anybody here really supposed to care that the Pirate Party, “a party in tune with the Berlin vibe” (and a cheap if not even flakier immitation of the Swedish original) attracted enough votes to win its first ever seats in the Berlin state parliament yesterday?

Nothing aginst Internet freedom activist freaks or anything, I just don’t want to have to deal with them in the non-virtual world like this.

Of course the real news is that the FDP (a real live party from Planet Earth) got tossed out. Hey, Scheiße happens.

And here you thought California was the land of nuts, flakes and fruits.

“Wir werden als erstes auf die Laternen klettern und unsere Plakate wieder runterholen.”

Phase-Out Gentrification Now!

September 18, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Other cities would love to have a problem like this. Berlin takes in 20 million tourist overnight stays a year, and the number keeps rising. Investors and property owners keep rolling into the Stadt like, well, investors and property owners.

But for many Berliners, this is a crisis or something. This means that their city is in the process of becoming something called bürgerlich (a German cuss word meaning middle-class or bourgeois). Berlin is becoming gentrified (meaning upgraded, by the way), which is absolutely unacceptable because, well, many Berliners don’t want to upgraded, thank you.

You see, bourgeois gentrification ist deshalb (is on these grounds) unacceptable because it is a sign of economic dynamism in a city that has long been thought not to have any. Gentrification means that money is coming into town, that Berlin is becoming more attractive for that tasteless middle-class ambience so dreaded here, that the self-contained and highly subsidized island of Berlin is suddenly becoming a place of social mobility where middle-class lifestyle visions (which none of you out there share) are now apparently easier to realize here than elsewhere in the country.

German Gentrification is bad for Berlin, in other words. It has to be phased-out, just like German nuclear energy was. And don’t get them wrong or anything, it’s not because these Berliners are being intolerant here or anything. It’s just that they are being intolerant here – and acting more bourgeois than the bourgeoisie they despise.

Wer hätte sich träumen lassen, dass ausgerechnet das arme Berlin einmal ein Gentrifizierungsproblem haben würde? Es könnte schlimmere Nachrichten geben.