I mean smugglers.
OK. So like how did that customs dude at Frankfurt Airport determine that there are two silicon implants filled with cocaine in there (500 grams each)?
He must have been given a hot tip. Although any boob could see that those were loaded. I guess she got busted.
Die „Bild“ berichtet über den skurrilen Fund der Zollbeamten. Demnach sei die Frau schon auf dem zehnstündigen Flug aus Südamerika nach Frankfurt wegen ihrer enormen Oberweite aufgefallen.
Or 15.20833333333333, if you prefer.
And here you thought my math was bad. And it is. But Berlin’s tourism experts seem to be even worse at it because their new slogan just does not add up at all: 365/24. At least it doesn’t for the numerous people around town making fun of it these days.
It is supposed to imply that Berlin is a way cool place that never closes, of course, but a lot of citizens here don’t really see it that way. Lots and lots of stuff and places that never close are broken/closed/being rebuilt here all the time and it is not at all uncommon to wait around way more than 365/24 for them to open up again. And they aren’t impressed with the slogan’s lack of originality, either.
And while we’re at it (laughing at Berlin, I mean), there’s a new book out that’s got a number in its slogan, too. It’s called “111 Reasons to Hate Berlin.” Here is one of them that all Berliners love, I mean hate: Whether in the summer heat, the snow, the rain or even if it’s just an uneven hour of the day, the S-Bahn craps out along the entire line.
“Berlin ist nicht nur scheiße. Es ist noch scheißer, als es mal war. Und das muss man erst mal schaffen. Berlin gibt Scheiße eine ganz neue Definition.”
But only because they appear to have Laurel and Hardy doing it.
An attempt to wiretap John Kerry’s personal cellphone number back in 2013 failed, for instance, because the agent trying to do the listening in mixed up the US country code with one from Africa.
The Germans apparently had better luck spying on the former foreign policy chief of the European Union, Catherine Ashton back in 2008, however, although I have to assume that they misdialed this number, too. Maybe they were tying to listen in on that Jose Manuel Barroso guy instead?
Laut „Spiegel“ hatte der BND auch die Handynummer von US-Außenminister John Kerry 2013 in die Erfassung aufgenommen. Dabei habe es aber wegen einer Panne keine Abhörergebnisse gegeben: Ein BND-Mitarbeiter habe angeblich statt der Ländervorwahl der USA versehentlich die eines afrikanischen Landes eingegeben.
They are by far the snappiest dressers. And they’re like, monks.
That’s right, folks. the Eurovision Song Contest* is coming up fast so the big question these days is: Who will Germany send to the freak show this year?
Damn. The only thing that could possibly top these guys would be a German girl burqa group. What a minute. Do you think…
With a mix of Gregorian chant and pop, the all-male choir is hoping to garner a ticket to Stockholm for the Eurovision Song Contest. The finale is set for May 14, 2016. The eight-man ensemble has 16 years of experience with live shows and has toured all over the world.
*They like to refer to it here as “ESC” but talk about your misnomer because there is definitely no escape.
About this year’s Berlin Film Festival, I mean. Or Berlinale, if your prefer.
“A dud line-up… A competition film lasting eight hours… The Berlin competition DOES tend to be serious… Misguided inclusions… Films about German characters played by English actors who speak in English but with German accents… Meryl Streep… Disappointment… Acute no-frills psychological realism… An extraordinary docudrama of sorts… More Meryl Streep… More Disappointment… George Clooney.”
Ya’ll come back now next year! Ya hear?
But only about a centimeter or two.
He’s a really big guy, see?
In a special wide-screen video appearance made especially for this year’s crappy Berlin Film Festival (Moore’s own latest crappy film, “Who to Offend Next,” oops, I mean “Where to Invade Next” is being shown here but he unfortunately cannot attend due to pneumonia and being a really, honking hefty dude, like I said) the annoying loudmouth commended Germany for its “kindness towards refugees, which has moved me and millions of Americans.” But, hey. Somebody’s got to do it, I guess.
Wanna see an even better Michael Moore video? When he was skinny, I mean?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdyKAIhLdNs
Eure Großzügigkeit und Güte gegenüber Flüchtlingen haben mich und Millionen Amerikaner bewegt. Und ich weiß, es gibt Probleme.
Or Weiwei?
I think I’m going to start calling this guy Ai Did It My Weiwei.
Chinese artist Ai Weiwei has covered a Berlin landmark with thousands of refugee life jackets for his latest installation.
Satire alarm! Please remain calm.
This neo-Nazi dude had a one-night-stand with this Eritrean chick seven years previously who is now being abgeschoben (deported) because of Ausländer raus (foreigners out) and all that so now he has to take care of his daughter who was the result of their short liaison.
Der guckt nicht traurig, der guckt nachdenklich. Er hat sehr viel nachgedacht früher.
PS: Today’s your last chance to get your FREE COPY of the highly acclaimed Smashwords ebook The Little Red Book: Of Little-Read Jokes about the Enlightened Left, which I can also highly recommend as I did the highly acclaiming part, too.
As Berlin Film Festival Jury head, that is. In industry and politics, I mean. And the Berlinale is just the place to, uh, want that kind of thing, or something.
You know, more women, more people of non-white color, more transgender cats and dogs, more environmentally friendly refrigerators, stuff like that needs more inclusion. Who would disagree? Who even could? And we’re talking inclusion as in diversity here, people. NOT assimilation.
Sadly, things that are definitely not included in the inclusion here – here at the Berlin Film Festival, I mean, the Berlinale, that is, the reason why this lady from Hollywood is here in the first place – are films that anybody/anything in his/her/its right mind might ever possibly want to see.
“The thing I’ve noticed from my different roles is there is a core of humanity that travels right through every culture. And, after all, we’re all from Africa, originally. We’re all Berliners. We’re all Africans, really.”
It’s that jolly, merry, drunken Karneval season again, folks.
And this tank float here got labeled the “Imtaler Asylum Defense.” Uh oh, we’re gonna get letters… Officials are even looking into hate crime charges.
For some reason, however, this float here is perfectly OK. I guess because Angie’s on it. It’s called “Refugee Wave.”
Ein Panzer-Motivwagen mit der Aufschrift „Asylabwehr“ hat bei einem Umzug in Bayern für Empörung gesorgt. Die Behörden ermitteln jetzt wegen Verdacht auf Volksverhetzung. Auch die Aktionen anderer Vereine wurden als fremdenfeindlich kritisiert.
Observing Hermann 