Sauerbraten Is Hell

Don’t ever eat German food in northern Afghanistan.

Some 200 NATO soldiers got food poisoning after eating in a German canteen in the ISAF regional headquarters in Mazar-i-Sharif.

But don’t worry, everbody has recovered and “overall fighting strength was not affected” (for the better? – maybe you should worry).

Too bad the kitchen has already been disinfected and everything. They could have started offering this stuff to the Taliban.

Army scientists were still hunting for the source of the infection.

Legalistic Republic Deutschland

Outraged Germans everywhere are demanding to know why the German state of Bavaria is admittedly using spyware in at least five investigations (all judicially approved) to gather evidence on suspected drug dealers, dopers, Internet criminals and fencing suspects.

“This is completely unacceptable,” one enraged civil liberties activist said. “What will this lead to next? The next thing you know they’ll be using programs like these to gather evidence on suspected rapists, child molesters, murderers and terrorists.”

Bei den Verfahren in München, Landshut, Nürnberg und Augsburg ging es um Doping, Drogen, Hehlerei und eine Bande von Internet-Betrügern, die geschätzt 80.000 bis 120.000 Menschen um eine Summe von insgesamt 10 bis 30 Millionen Euro geprellt haben soll.

Arson Attacks Disrupt Berlin’s Disrupted Rail Traffic

Sort of. With some 2000 trains now running late in Berlin after the discovery of seven homemade explosives along the city’s railways these past three days – and none of the passangers having noticed yet because trains are always late here – the leftist peacenik terrorist group responsible for the diabolical attacks has confirmed that it would have caused “like considerable way more damage and maybe even have managed to blow something up big time if any of the freakin’ trains to be attacked would have been on time like for once already.”

But still… “This morning we slowed down the German capital and its function as a global player in the export of armaments,” said a statement from the group released Monday on a leftist website.

Wake Me When The Revolution Is over

Der Spiegel itself is asking these days: Are we having a successful green energy plan yet?

Uh, let me think. Nope.

Why is it that whenever Germany’s Environment Minster “explains to foreign politicians that his highly industrialized country aims to decommission all of its nuclear power plants by 2022 and obtain at least 80 percent of its energy from renewable sources by 2050, he is only rarely met with utter denial — at least not among his fellow environment ministers?”

I’ll tell you why. It is either because a) they are in denial themselves or b) they are too polite to laugh in his face.

A Bad Beginning – Broken Promises – Unanswered Questions

What’s Red And Green And All Over All Over?

Other than Claudia the Clown Lady down there, I mean?

I’ll tell you what’s red and green and all over all over: The Green party’s big plans for taking over the world (here in Germany) with their partners (junior partners?) over at the SPD when the next big federal elections come around. 

Ever since shooting themselves in the foot during coalition negotiations after their less than stellar performance in Berlin’s local elections the other day, it seems as if those carefully prepared Green putsch plans might end up back on the back burner again after all, at least for now. Everyone is licking her wounds and has hurt feelings or something. And is irritable. And a little bit bitchy.

Hey, Fukushima certainly brought you a long, long way, but the Japanese can only do so much. And close only counts in horseshoes and dancing.

“Jetzt in Schwarz-Grün-Fantasien zu schwelgen, wäre der falsche Weg.”

World Domination Plans Suddenly Not Working

A few months ago everybody thought that the Greens were going to take over the Berlin city government. Now they can’t even form a coalition as junior partner with Mayor Teflon himself, Party Klaus Wowereit (as in SPD).

The issue? It’s a non-issue, as usual. This time it’s a two-mile stretch of Autobahn that everybody in Berlin wants to have, except the Green Shirt ideologues (and the fruitier varieties even further up in outer space). I guess this was supposed to be Berlin’s Stuttgart 21, whatever that was/is (will someone finally explain that to me?).

And what is the Green ideology, you ask? Saying no. Just say no. Say no and ask questions later. And that, liebe Freunde, is why the Greens have become a big fat Volkspartei in Germany, get it? But you can only say no for so long, I guess. Even in Germany. Even in Berlin.

“Eine moderne wirtschaftsfreundliche Infrastruktur ist die Grundlage des Wohlstands in Deutschland, dazu gehören auch Autobahnen, Schienenwege, Stromtrassen und Pipelines. Es ist ein großer Irrtum der Grünen, wenn sie meinen, das alles wäre im 21. Jahrhundert nicht mehr so wichtig.”

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

First the good news: Germans are no more depressive than they used to be.

The bad news is that they are now no longer expected to keep their depressions to themselves and are being asked to come out of their closets to tell everybody about it.

The numbers are shocking or something. Fear industry experts at the Foundation for German Depression Assistance say that there are four million depressed people in Germany, two-thirds of them being women. Just like the rest of us, their lives are filled with angst, emptiness and desperation. But unlike others, these folks are much easier to manipulate (by organizations like the Foundation of German Depression Assistance, for instance) and can and will be made to come public with their ailments, real or imaginary, thus “breaking a taboo” and further increasing their number and the throng of psychotherapeutically challenged pilgrims to organizations like, well, take a guess.

The development is in fact so dramatic that comedian Harald Schmidt has been asked to get involved as a sponsor. And anybody who wasn’t depressed before attending a conference moderated by this guy will be by the time he leaves.

Gee. All of this gives German depression assistance a whole new meaning or something.

Vier Millionen Depressive in Deutschland – das kann nicht nur am Fernsehprogramm liegen.

58 Beer Mug Brawls

Now that’s what I call another gelungene (successful) and jolly old Oktoberfest.

And this year’s lost and found items were pretty interesting, too: Along with the 500 wallets, 400 cell phones, the crutches and the wheelchairs (that beer really can work wonders) and the 1300 pieces of clothing (they won’t say what kind), some false teeth, a Wiking helmet, a megaphone and a Blattheuschrecke (grasshopper) also got handed in. One year somebody even showed up with a glass eye.

Zum Wohl!

Fukushima Goes Broadway

Sort of. Remember Fukushima? That Japanese Super-GAU (nuclear worst case scenario) that, well, never happened? You know, the one after that earthquake in Japan that managed to shut down 8 nuclear power plants in Germany (and could you imagine having to explain that to a visitor here from outer space?)?

Well, the German intellectually correct caste is bound and determined never to forget (one of their favorite pastimes) and that is why they are now making even more theater about the Fukushima Theater (Theater machen means kicking up a fuss here) by bringing out a worst case scenario theater piece addressing this epoch-making event. It’s called “Kein Licht” meaning No Light. And no, it is not a musical.

Needless to say, this is German highbrow theater vom Feinsten (at its best). And it starts with the title, I find. It’s so ambiguous or something. Although, on the other hand, what else could they call it other than No Light? The freakin’ power plant just got turned off (the loss of light connected with such an action being a logical consequence German nuclear energy opponants have not yet managed to properly address).

But screw the title, the main thing is that this production creates “an atmosphere of total anxiety.” I mean, why else whould a German theater-goer go and see it otherwise? You know, it’s a production with lots of darkness and water and slippery mud and rubber boots and all the other stuff that happens right after a nuclear catastrophe in Japan that never took place. And nudity too, I assume. All German highbrow theater pieces have naked people in them at one point. That’s just what they do here. Although you might think that with the play being called No Light nudity might not have the desired effect, which is supposed to be loud yawning, as far as I can tell.

And the message? Some Künstler say it is an attack upon the media and other fear industrialists (see the Greens & Co.) who are willing to exploit the suffering of others and create panic to increase their sales and thus make a lot of money and/or influence. You know, it’s a critique on those who misuse a serious issue like this to scare others for their own self-aggrandizement and profit. So make sure to buy your tickets early.

Es ist ein Schwall von Texten, die meist in keinem Zusammenhang stehen.

Not A Speck Of Animal!

Not in this cola.

Unlike western or occidental cola types that apparently have all kinds of animal rests floating around in them (gelatine is used), new and improved (and oriental) Haji Cola is made in compliance with Islamic hygiene regulations and guaranteed halal, albeit admittedly “less tingling” than what you might be used to.

And the stuff is selling like halal hotcakes in Hamburg too, or might one day. But don’t worry, religion does not play a role here, folks (that’s why they call it halal?). Love does. The love of money. Geez, talk about your occidental attitude.

“Religion spielt keine Rolle.“