And We Don’t Trust That Dad Gum Internetz Neither

One in seven Germans shuns the Internet completely.

Shun

Those are actual Germans up there shunning the actual Internet with an actual laptop, I think.

Totally unrelated PS: Profiteering: Crisis Has Saved Germany 40 Billion Euros

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Germans Want More CONTROL

A commission convened by Germany’s parliament believes the Internet should be given a greater political priority in the country.

Commissioner

The commission has recommended that Germany needs a permanent Internet commissioner.

CONTROL good. KAOS (the Internet) bad.

If It Wasn’t For Fake Names I wouldn’t Have No Names At All

Fake Germans everywhere are distraught about a legal battle Facebook ITSELF won yesterday in Germany affirming that users in that country must register on the website with their real names.

Facebook

This is a terrible blow to German privacy in general and the German Office of the Data Protection Commissioner in particular because, well, this leaves the door wide open for companies like Facebook “to determine their own policies about anonymity within the governing law” when offering their services and, uh, that is just plain unacceptable or something because, well, then people like the Data Protection Commissioner could soon be out of work.

Die Entscheidungen sind mehr als verblüffend.

It’s Us Against Them

Us as in US, I mean.

German authorities are trying to limit what the American tech companies can do, but the Silicon Valley giants are fighting back (the key word is American here, folks).

Give the Germans what they want, I say. But what DO they want, anyway (this is one of my favorite German schizophrenia thangs).

It’s worth noting that Facebook and Google are actually quite popular in the country — the BBC reported in September that “a quarter of the German population are active Facebook users and Google has 95% of the country’s search market.”

I Can’t Look Away

Nor blink anymore. Remember the old days when addiction had to do with actual addiction? I mean, with an actual substance? No, I guess you don’t.

Anyways, a new fear industry report tells us that some 560,000 Germans are now “addicted” to the Internet. How shocking or something.

Addiction here means that these poor lamentable victims can no longer stop surfing on their own (that’s why they – and we – need the fear industry, see?). Like the helpless zombies that they are, these addicts live day and night (mostly night) in a so-called “virtual world” because it is there and only there that they can find fulfillment and recognition (albeit virtual fulfillment and virtual recognition).

And their addiction is in fact so way bad out of control that many of these victims (and I really want to stress the word victims here) no longer go to school, university or, gulp, even work (even when they have work, which most probably don’t, and which can also be very addictive, by the way, the work, I mean).

Doesn’t anybody out there care? Other than me (not)?

And doesn’t anybody out there other than me break out in loud laughter when reading ridiculous nonsense like this? Hello? Does anybody read me? Or am I lost in my “virtual world” again? Uh oh. The sun’s coming up.

Das seien etwa ein Prozent der 14- bis 64-Jährigen, sagte die Drogenbeauftragte der Bundesregierung.

Shoot-’em-up German style!

In case you didn’t already know… Except when it comes to American “shooter” computer games, of course, “computer games as a medium are often quick to be judged without being more closely examined.” So that’s what I’m about to do now.

Sure, there seems to be a little token outrage here and there, but for the most part no one over here seems all too terribly beunruhigt (troubled) now that the German online game 1378(km) (the name refers to the length of the old Cold War German-German border, by the way) finally went online last week. This game is, well, German after all so it must be, I dunno, OK. Right?

The aim of the game? Some players are East German border guards with guns and other players are East German refugees trying to escape to the West. Get the picture? It’s quite a vivid one actually. But don’t worry, it’s politically correct political incorrectness, I’ve been told. More or less. I think.

“1378(km) does not force someone playing the border soldiers to shoot the refugees. Players are left with the freedom of choice. You are only able to win 1378(km) when you do not shoot. The rules of the game are inspired by the situation at the former Inner German Border. Border camps, death strips, and orders to shoot are what make the game brutal.”

Only in Germany, I tell ya.

And in case you were wondering…

(and I know that you weren’t) Germans don’t spend as much time on Facebook as other nationality types do. That’s a real news item, right?

They seem to be more, how-you-say, how-you-say, suspicious, ja? According to some study brought out by a market research institute in Bielefeld, Germans only spend 3.1 hours per week on social network sites like Facebook. By comparison, Malasians spend about 9 hours per week, Russians 8.1 and Turks 7.7. And not even half of the Germans who do have bothered to place pictures in their social network accounts whereas, for instance, 92 percent of the Thais online have. I guess the Thais feel they are more photogenic or something. Or feel more something the Germans aren’t, anyway.

Just thought you might like to know.

Insgesamt sei der digitale Eifer in Wachstumsmärkten wie Brasilien (48 Prozent) und China (54 Prozent) deutlich größer als in Industrieländern wie Deutschland (36 Prozent), Finnland (26 Prozent) oder Japan (20 Prozent).

More Internet Angst

Germany is still not the “digital society” some of you might assume it must be.

An organization called Initiative D21 just broke down Germany’s predominantly technophobic Internet angst population into several angst making groups:

The “digital outsiders”, 35% of the population, are actually frightened by computers and refuse to touch them.

The “occasional users” with 30% will actually use Internet technology from time to time but don’t ask them to work with it regularly or deal with things like Excel (I feel their pain about Excel, I must say).

The “digital pros” with 12% gladly work with Excel and even do PowerPoint, although I wouldn’t know why they would want to.

“Trend users” go further and even build websites and spend why too much time online – on the couch.

Then there’s the “digital avant-garde”, 3% of the population, the real sick puppy techno Internet freak types.

Personally, I don’t know what’s more worrisome; the first or the last group.

Die Deutschen sind immer noch Internet-Muffel