What, me worry?
All of Germany is outraged that the US intelligence service eavesdropped on Angela Merkel. But former Chancellor Helmut Schmidt has called for more calm. A chancellor must proceed on the assumption that he (or she) is being listened to.
„Das ging so weit, dass meine Gesprächspartner zunächst die Leute begrüßten, die irgendwo mithörten, und erst dann zum Thema kamen.”
This just in: The current German outrage about allegations that the NSA may have listened in on Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cell phone conversations may only just be the tip of the outrage iceberg.
Non-American intelligence experts around the world are now indicating that this type of inexcusable practice may also have actually been carried out in the past by other non-American intelligence agencies “out there” and that no one seemed to care much or be all that terribly surprised about this type of thing at the time as this is of course the very reason why said intelligence agencies freakin’ exist in the first place Himmel Herrgott Sakra (for f#?!#’s sake)!
Here are just a few of these indiscrete intelligence expert observations:
“I am amazed by such disconcerting naiveté. You’d almost think our politicians don’t bother to read the reports they get from the intelligence services.”
“I can’t believe anyone is terribly surprised. I mean, every government in the world tries to collect the best info that it can and that’s true of the German, American, British, French and countries all over the world,”
“I was a government official for many years and I assumed my cellphone and my email account was susceptible to foreign intelligence services spying.”
“You get a picture of who is friends with who, and their friends of friends. It’s like Facebook – incredibly helpful if you want to sketch out a network of contacts.”
“This is par for the course. Countries eavesdrop on other countries. If you have Angela Merkel’s telephone number you will listen in to it if you can.”
“Finding out what other governments are thinking is what intelligence agencies do.”
Folks in Germany are always very anxious about social etiquette and behaving correctly in public.
The „Knigge,“ for instance, is a famous book about social rules and how one should behave in practically all situations. When it comes to seating arrangements at table, for instance:
1. Couples that aren’t married always sit together.
2. Married couples normally don’t sit abreast.
3. Not until the homemaker wants to sit on the table the guests are allowed to sit, too.
4. The dish rests on the table until the last guest has eaten his meal.
Now, in the wake of all this undue excitement going on about the Obama administration’s benevolent “Merkelphone” eavesdropping program, Germany has decided to take the initiative when it comes to etiquette in certain private (or private eye) matters, too. During a two-day summit in Brussels, the Germans have suggested the introduction of an internationally recognized Espionage Etiquette Manual to be followed geflissentlich (studiously) by all superpowers on earth.
When it comes to spying on close nations and/or friends, for instance, the new “Spy Knigge” points out, among other things, that:
1. Bugging cell phones used by heads of state is still allowed, but strictly for PRIVATE information gathering purposes only.
2. No fancy hi-tech spy stuff should ever be used against those using technology they are clearly clueless about.
3. State secrets are to be assumed to be secret for a good reason and are to be left secret and in the state said state secreted them in. But if they absolutely positively must be stolen, never ever let anybody out there find out about it. For crying out loud.
Bis Ende des Jahres wollen Frankreich und Deutschland bilaterale Gespräche mit den USA führen und ein “gemeinsames Verständnis für einen Kooperationsrahmen” erarbeiten.
“Earnest question: What do European leaders talk about that’s worth spying on?”
“I’m not sure I’d want to listen in to Silvio Berlusconi’s cellphone.”
Talk about your sleeper cell phone.
The Obama administration has denied that the NSA is monitoring the communications on chancellor Angela Merkel’s cell phone.
This was confirmed by NSA officials after Merkel had called to discuss the matter with Obama on her cell phone.
Merkel und Obama hätten in dem Telefonat übereingestimmt, die Kooperation der Geheimdienste beider Länder zu intensivieren.
Fed up with having their personal privacy abused by Facebook, Google and the NSA all the time, many Germans have decided to give up their personal privacy altogether and now actively and gladly publish online practically ever damned freaking boring imaginable thing they do like ALL DAY/EVERY DAY/ALL LIFE LONG.
Actually, I thought they were all doing that already.
And in a related story, the Deutsche Telekom is planning to introduce “a vast computer network linking smaller computer networks worldwide,” or at least German-wide. They are then going to call this innovative and highly original new invention of theirs the Internetz. Or they sure ought to.
Or how about the Inner-Netz?
“My philosophy is that information is more useful when it’s out in the open.”
When you get the top award in the category of Best Informant from a country like Germany, you know you have most definitley reached the top of your game.
And so it comes as no surprise to most Hollywood award-watchers out there that Edward Snowden has just received the German “Whistleblower Prize” in recognition of his “bold efforts” to expose the monitoring of communications data by his trusted, I mean trusting employer.
As we all know, Germany enjoys an incredibly long and rich tradition of abusing individual freedoms, usually in the form of “Spitzel” or spying activity practised between private individuals, regardless of the current political or totalitarian system they may find themselves in, so this prestigeous award immediately skyrockets Snowden to the exalted ranks of the top double-crossing turncoats of recent German, if not world history.
Snowden himself was speechless. But this was mostly because he was not available for comment, nor will he be able to pick up said award for some strange reason, but still.
“Wir sind Edward Snowden außerordentlich dankbar.”
“Boom Triggered By NSA: German Email Services Report Surge in Demand”
But just how secure is email made in Germany? Way Secure.
Email made in Germany is double-triple-quadruple encrypted. And then it gets double-triple-quadruple encrypted again.
Email made in Germany is so secure that an email made in Germany warns you when you try to send it to someone the email made in Germany hasn’t been introduced to yet.
Secure? Why email made in Germany never leaves local servers, thus ensuring that the email made in Germany stays right here in Germany where it belongs verdammt noch mal (dadgummit)!
We’re talking secure here, people. Email made in Germany is so secure that when we say it never leaves local servers we mean it never leaves local servers. Ever. It never even gets delivered at all.
“I would strongly recommend against anyone trusting their private data to a company with physical ties to the United States.”
But we’ll, uh, trust them this one time here, maybe.
Al Qaeda is plotting attacks on Europe’s high-speed rail network, German newspaper Bild reported on Monday, citing a leaked National Security Agency (NSA) report.
The NSA report is based on an intercepted conference call between top Al-Qaeda operatives, in which the terrorist attacks were reportedly a “central topic”.
Berlin has responded to the threat with discreet measures such as deploying plain-clothed police officers at key stations and on main routes, Bild reported.
Der Hinweis stamme vom US-Geheimdienst NSA.
When it comes to Germany’s BND foreign intelligence service having forwarded massive amounts of data to the NSA – legally, I mean.
Take the good old SPD, for instance. They’re hollering the loudest at the moment. And this despite the fact that this particularly evil cooperation with US-Amerika is nothing new at all to them. So not new, in fact (an agreement made in the year 2002), that the SPD’s Frank-Walter Steinmeier was the guy wearing the responsibility hat when this agreement was made – the current governing coalition was not even in power.
But hey, you know how it is when a political party is out of power (in more ways than one) and crawling and scratching to get back into the game. In an outrage and all. In a panic, I mean.
“In my view, the opposition has only itself to blame. Pretending to be the firefighter just to be caught as the arsonist – you can’t play both of these roles with any credibility.”
Observing Hermann 