Criminal Failed To Register Stolen Revolver Before Killing Girlfriend And Self

Gun law-abiding Germans everywhere where shocked to discover today that a criminal in Münster had failed to register the revolver he had stolen before turning the weapon on his girlfriend and himself.

Gun control

“I’ve seen it all now,” one enraged passerby at the scene of the crime commented. “What good are stringent gun control laws if the criminals out there these days don’t have the decency to abide by them?”

“Don’t these idiots know that if you don’t register your stolen weapon it could be immediately confiscated and you’d probably be hit with a big honking fine?” Another irrate citizen chimed in. “And how the hell are the police going to be able to track down and arrest crooks like this if they don’t even know where to find them? And they haven’t killed themselves first, I mean. Ever think about that? The cops aren’t magicians you know.”

Der Revolver, mit dem der Mann schoss, stammte aus einem Einbruch in einem anderen Bundesland.

10 Years Of College Down The Drain

I mean 10 years of hilarious German-Afghan Police Academy high jinks!

High jinks

German officials have been training police in Afghanistan for a decade, but a visit to their training center in Mazar-e-Sharif creates major doubts about the effectiveness of the mission. Afghan police remain poorly prepared to tackle the mighty challenges they will face as Western forces withdraw. 

“What we want to achieve with the recruits is a change in mentality,” says a German instructor. “More team spirit, a better sense of community, more loyalty. More soccer, less buzkashi*.”

*Buzkashi is the Afghan national sport and is a game in which horsemen battle over a goat carcass.

This Just In: Germans Drive Too Fast

During something they’re now calling a Blitz-Marathon (speed trap marathon), some 4000 German police caught some 30,000 German speeders during a large-scale 24-hour, well, speed trap marathon.

338 of these speed freaks were driving so fast that they are now facing a driving ban.

Germans everywhere are nevertheless empört (indignant) about this sneaky police campaign, however, because… Because, uh… Well, because Germans everywhere drive too fast. That’s just what they do.

Der schnellste Raser sei auf der Autobahn bei Düsseldorf mit 176 statt der erlaubten 60 Stundenkilometer erwischt worden.

Berlin police not allowed to film peaceful demonstrations

“There is no legal basis for filming peaceful demonstrators in Berlin,” a German administrative court spokesman said today, referring to a practice carried out by cops here for several years now.

“Besides, it’s only worth filming them once they start throwing rocks and stuff anyway.”

The judges said the recordings were an inadmissible breach of basic assembly rights, as they could scare people (without rocks?) away from public gatherings.

Germans and their torture instruments

Not only are Germans good at exporting expensive weapon systems, they’re also top-notch torture instrument exporters.

Or at least that’s what Amnesty International thinks they are. Of course Amnesty International also thinks that cold spinach is a torture instrument. Having to eat it, I mean. Which I guess it is, come to think of it. But still.

Nur sieben europäische Länder halten sich dem Amnesty Bericht zufolge an ihre Verpflichtung, Exporte derartiger Gegenstände öffentlich zu machen.

Too hot in Afghanistan right now

Ich kann so nicht arbeiten! I just can’t work under these conditions!

This just keeps getting better, people. Now even Northern Afghanistan is too dangerous for the Germans. Too dangerous to train Afghan police, that is. I mean it’s not like anybody’s taking part in any of the fighting going on down south at the moment or anything.

SPD Politicians are serously proposing that the few police trainers Germany is currently utilizing to train Afghan police (wow, they’re actually going to increase that number from 120 to 150) do the training in a more peaceful working environment. Up here in Germany, that is.

Taliban attacks in Germany are acceptably low at the moment and will allow German police trainers to concentrate more fully on their work and maybe even actually start getting a few Afghans through their rigorously thorough and near-never-ending training program. Already.

Angesichts der Sicherheitslage am Hindukusch wird diskutiert, wie die Arbeit der deutschen Polizisten mit der größtmöglichen Sicherheit ablaufen kann.