This Gives “Please Keep Off The Grass” A Whole New Meaning

May 14, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Cannabis, Drugs, Görlitzer Park, Germany, Grass, Kottbuser Tor, Kreuzberg, Marijuana, Pot, Puns 1 Comment

More budding crime in Kreuzberg. I bet the Greens planted this stuff. Or maybe some other dope. What a bunch of crackpots.

Kreuzberg is a really seedy district, you know. And these weren’t even potted plants. They just found this stuff among the weeds. I tell you, this town is really going to pot…

I got a million of ’em, folks!

Dass in Berlin-Kreuzberg öffentlich ein Joint geraucht wird, ist nichts Besonderes. Aber bei mehreren hundert Cannabis-Pflanzen auf einer öffentlichen Grünanlage wird dann selbst in Berlin die Polizei aktiv.

But What Does This Guy Know?

May 13, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

China and Russia are the most avid intelligence gatherers in Germany, says Hans-Georg Maassen, head of Germany’s intelligence agency.

But like, who cares about that? That’s beside the point or something. We Germans are empört (appalled) about this Skandal (scandal) and we’re going to stay that way, damn it.

Liebe Deutsche, findet euch damit ab, dass ihr ausspioniert werdet!

Even When We Win We Lose

May 11, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking Tags: Bremen, Elections, FDP, German, Germans, Germany, Lencke Steiner, Social Democracy, Socialism, SPD Leave a comment

Or so it goes with SPD these days.

Germany’s Social Democrats, Chancellor Angela Merkel’s coalition partners, on Sunday suffered their worst-ever electoral setback in regional polls in Bremen, raising questions about party leader Sigmar Gabriel’s hopes of gaining ground nationally on Ms Merkel’s conservative Christian Democrats.

So sehen Sieger aus (this is what winners look like):

In Bremen ändern 6,5 Prozent für die FDP nicht viel. Im Bund aber eröffnet ihre Wiedererweckung Gedankenspiele für die Wahl 2017.

A Green Superpower?

May 10, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: CO2, Coal, Germans, Germany, Green energy, Nuclear power, Pollution, Renewable energy Leave a comment

Germany?

Germany is a superpower when it comes to setting ambitious goals. But it’s even better at burning coal.

Germany aims to generate 80% of its power from renewable sources by 2050 with nuclear being fully phased out by 2021. But given the costs associated with renewables and the challenge of replacing nuclear power efficiently, it is not clear that Germany will succeed in either of these goals…

The Germans have increasingly turned to coal as their power generation source of choice, especially U.S. coal. Today coal power plants are responsible for generating nearly half of Germany’s power, and numerous new plants are scheduled to come online in the next few years.

Overall, the increase in coal is likely to create a significant increase in airborne pollution and potentially stoke tension between Germany and its neighbors. But at the same time, if Germany wants to phase out nuclear power, coal is the only realistic option; a fact which some German politicians are starting to admit.

German Spies Spying For American Spies Shocked To Discover That American Spies Were Actually Of The Spy Variety

May 7, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, BND, Espionage, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

After years of close cooperation with the NSA, Germany’s BND has now suddenly reduced this cooperation upon finding out that the information they had been furnishing the NSA with was being used for espionage purposes.

“Who would have thought that?” asked one high-ranking German spy official with a paper bag on his head. “We all figured that that list of 40,000 selectors (IP addresses, search terms and names) we at the BND used on behalf of the NSA had some other justification. I dunno. I personally assumed they wanted to order pizza or something. But to go and spy on other folks like that? No way. We don’t want anything to do with that kind of Scheiße.”

It still remains to be seen whether this list can be released, as that depends on what arrangements were made with the US by the then government [of Gerhard Schröder] after the dramatic events of September 11.

Do They Strike This Much In Greece?

May 5, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: ATMs, Berlin, Cash, Germany, Greece, Labor, Labor Unions, Strikes, Trains, Unions Leave a comment

European travelers have contended for weeks with the possibility that Greece’s dwindling finances might lead to empty ATMs. They should have concerned themselves instead with Germany.

While cash machines in Athens are still operating without any trouble, striking couriers in Berlin this week stopped filling ATMs, leading to a crunch for those trying to make withdrawals. And the open-ended labor dispute with a local security company means there’s no end in sight.

Berlin’s strike is the latest in a series of walkouts that have riled a nation more accustomed to mocking the labor strife which has so often beset neighboring France. A strike by train drivers that began Tuesday is paralyzing travel and clogging highways throughout Germany. That action follows a March walkout by pilots at Deutsche Lufthansa AG that led to flight cancellations for 220,000 people.

Our Espionage Doesn’t Stink

May 4, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, CIA, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Security, Spying, Terrorism 1 Comment

On the one hand, we as German spies only do nice spying and would never spy on friends much less on other other nice Germans like ourselves.

“But on the other hand, intelligence agencies are working to ensure the public’s safety and the German government will do everything it can to ensure that it can carry out its job.

“And this ability to carry out its duties in the face of international terrorism threats is done in cooperation with other intelligence agencies, and that includes first and foremost the NSA.”

Deutschland regt sich über eine Spionageaffäre auf. Dabei wäscht seit Jahrzehnten unter den westlichen Diensten eine Hand die andere. Wir sollten endlich realistisch mit dem Thema Sicherheit umgehen.

Germans To Be Replaced By Robots

May 3, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Hurt Feelings Tags: Demographics, Employment, Germany, Humor, Robots, Satire, Work 4 Comments

Maybe this continued drop in Germany’s population isn’t such a bad thing after all. It will open up more employment opportunities for R2D2 & Co.

A study by ING-Diba Bank indicates that in the medium to long-term, 59 percent of German jobs are directly threatened by robotics and other technologies.

“We have taken the robot out of the cage.”

German Of The Day: Krawalltourismus

May 1, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Anarchism, Berlin, Demonstrations, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Riots, Violence, Workers Leave a comment

That means “violent demonstration tourism,” more or less. And May Day (or International Workers’ Day) is booked out completely for this every year in Berlin.

These international workers are off that day, you see. And it’s a bewitching event that these folks just can’t afford to miss. You know, tradition and all that?

Weder mystisch noch romantisch. Für die Berliner Polizei steht run um die Maifeiertage viel Arbeit an.

Germans Can’t Figure Out Why Germans Keep Disappearing

April 30, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking Tags: Aging, Birth Rates, Demographics, Germans, Germany, Humor, Immigration, Interventionism, Satire, Sex Education 6 Comments

Suffering from one of the lowest birth rates in the EU and xenophobic to the core (although officially in denial about this), Germans everywhere (or at least where you can still find them) are puzzled by the continued drop in Germany’s population.

Federal statistics office Destatis said Germany was expected to have between 68 and 73 million inhabitants by 2060, compared to its current 81 million.

I think it’s time for even more concentrated government intervention, don’t you? More sex education efforts, for instance.

“It won’t fall below the 2013 level until at least 2023.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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