Category Archives: High Art

A Leaner Non-Fighting Force

October 27, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, High Art, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Germany has announced 31 military base closures and the significant scaling back of 90 others as part of a major overhaul of the country’s armed forces which everybody here knows will never be used in any real combat situations anyway.

“Cuts or not, the German military must remain able to not deploy in an entire range of situations,” one high-ranking, unnamed Bundeswehr official said.

“This includes in particular missions in dangerous armed conflicts as well as high-intensity combat missions our government will regularly forbid us to participate in.”

When asked if these cuts might have a negative effect upon German defense industry firms involved in the extremely lucrative production of systems like the Eurofighter combat jet, the A400M military transport plane and the Leopard 2 and Puma tanks, to name just a very few, the official reassured all who cared to listen that the German military will do all in its power to seek other options to extend the orders for such weapons and will most certainly continue to order more of the same in the future.

“Our function as alibi army for the German defense and weapons export industry will continue to be our number one priority,” the official said, clicking his heels loudly or something.

The elimination of the draft will require making a career in the military more attractive in a country where part of the population is skeptical of military interventions. Germany didn’t support the international campaign in Libya.

The Scam That Keeps On Giving

October 18, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Word has clearly gotten out now. What used to be a Geheimtipp (insiders’ tip) has now become a full-fledged and nationally recognized Volkssport (national sport): Early retirement due to mental illness.

Up some 6,000 from the previous year, more and more Germans (71,000) are now being “forced” to retire early each and every year because they suffer from things like anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, multiple generalized anxiety disorder, mega ultra super mulitple generalized really really bad anxiety disorder and other such imaginary diseases.

In fact, being mental is now the number one main excuse used to have to go into “involuntary retirement” in Germany, with the average age of these hapless victims being 48, by the way.

Fear industry profiteers, I mean experts, are happy to report that the increased number of diagnosed cases is due to a greater willingness of sufferers to openly admit their problems, although none of these experts are able or willing to explain where this sudden willingness comes from.

Über das Thema werde jetzt “offener geredet und deshalb diagnostizieren Ärzte jetzt eher psychische Ursachen von Leiden.”

Fukushima Goes Broadway

October 2, 2011 By in High Art, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Sort of. Remember Fukushima? That Japanese Super-GAU (nuclear worst case scenario) that, well, never happened? You know, the one after that earthquake in Japan that managed to shut down 8 nuclear power plants in Germany (and could you imagine having to explain that to a visitor here from outer space?)?

Well, the German intellectually correct caste is bound and determined never to forget (one of their favorite pastimes) and that is why they are now making even more theater about the Fukushima Theater (Theater machen means kicking up a fuss here) by bringing out a worst case scenario theater piece addressing this epoch-making event. It’s called “Kein Licht” meaning No Light. And no, it is not a musical.

Needless to say, this is German highbrow theater vom Feinsten (at its best). And it starts with the title, I find. It’s so ambiguous or something. Although, on the other hand, what else could they call it other than No Light? The freakin’ power plant just got turned off (the loss of light connected with such an action being a logical consequence German nuclear energy opponants have not yet managed to properly address).

But screw the title, the main thing is that this production creates “an atmosphere of total anxiety.” I mean, why else whould a German theater-goer go and see it otherwise? You know, it’s a production with lots of darkness and water and slippery mud and rubber boots and all the other stuff that happens right after a nuclear catastrophe in Japan that never took place. And nudity too, I assume. All German highbrow theater pieces have naked people in them at one point. That’s just what they do here. Although you might think that with the play being called No Light nudity might not have the desired effect, which is supposed to be loud yawning, as far as I can tell.

And the message? Some Künstler say it is an attack upon the media and other fear industrialists (see the Greens & Co.) who are willing to exploit the suffering of others and create panic to increase their sales and thus make a lot of money and/or influence. You know, it’s a critique on those who misuse a serious issue like this to scare others for their own self-aggrandizement and profit. So make sure to buy your tickets early.

Es ist ein Schwall von Texten, die meist in keinem Zusammenhang stehen.

Forest Boy Actually Forrest Gump Boy

September 29, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Berlin Police have now begun casting doubts about the truth of the story given by the so-called “Forest Boy” who claims to have lived in a forest somewhere for five years before showing up at Berlin City Hall one day to ask for help, just like that or something.

His recent refusal to co-operate in the investigation to help discover his true identity has made many here suspicious and has even led some officials to believe that he is in fact a “Forrest Gump Boy,” one of those simpleton-like boys who travel around the world in an attempt to meet historical figures, influence popular culture and experience firsthand some of the historic events of the early 21st century (not that anything of historic interest would ever happen here in Berlin, but still).

Dumm ist der, der Dummes tut.

Wayne’s World

September 19, 2011 By in Helections, High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Kennst Du Wayne? Wayne es interessiert?

Is anybody here really supposed to care that the Pirate Party, “a party in tune with the Berlin vibe” (and a cheap if not even flakier immitation of the Swedish original) attracted enough votes to win its first ever seats in the Berlin state parliament yesterday?

Nothing aginst Internet freedom activist freaks or anything, I just don’t want to have to deal with them in the non-virtual world like this.

Of course the real news is that the FDP (a real live party from Planet Earth) got tossed out. Hey, Scheiße happens.

And here you thought California was the land of nuts, flakes and fruits.

“Wir werden als erstes auf die Laternen klettern und unsere Plakate wieder runterholen.”

The Draußenminister Speaks

August 24, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Explains Libya, I mean. Who says that Germans don’t have chutzpe? But I guess that’s the only alternative you have left once you’ve so loudly and unnecessarily painted/isolated yourself into a corner (it’s not as if they could ever admit that they were wrong or anything).

Guido Westerwelle, who many Germans like to call the Draußenminister (the minister on the outside or the out of it minister, as opposed to Außenminister = foreign minister), has offered his take on Libya. Not that anybody really wanted to hear it or anything. But still.

Ignoring that big ugly elephant in the room, that a human catastrophe, a massacre can be avoided with rapid and determined military action, Guido informs us that Germany’s strict nein to taking part in this action (sanctioned by the UN, despite Germany’s abstention) and it’s electing to go it alone once again and push for gool old-fashioned “sanctions” instead, this is what actually brought about the change currently taking place in Libya. He never even turned red in the face once while explaining this to us, either. Diplomats can just do that stuff, I guess. Even when they’re on the outside. Looking in, I mean.

Der deutsche Außenminister gibt den Libyen-Experten und rät zur Vorsicht bei der Beurteilung der Lage. Dabei trifft Westerwelle wieder einmal nicht den richtigen Ton: Anstatt die Lektion aus dem deutschen Sonderweg zu akzeptieren, tut er so, als sei der Erfolg der Rebellen auch sein Verdienst.

Green Glamour?

July 11, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, High Art Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

In Berlin green is glamourous (wow, that’s a no-brainer).

Makes sense, if you think about it. Green certainly isn’t what you would call a “power” color.

But I don’t know. Do you really want to walk around in sustainable clothes all the time? After three or four months of constant wear, that sustainable sweater of yours  may not be biodegradeable any more.

Speaking of Heuling…

July 7, 2011 By in Habitudes, High Art Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The current women’s soccer fest has shown me once again that women just aren’t as good at soccer as men are. When it comes to fake soccer injuries, I mean.

“As soccer fans, we are shocked, shocked to learn that some players might not really be injured when they flop onto the pitch. Now comes a study suggesting that women are less likely to fake soccer injuries than men.”

They’re just missing that killer instinct or something.