Heckler & Koch Announces Bankruptcy Plans

German weapons manufacturing company Heckler & Koch has announced a major change of business strategy.

Guns

In the future the company will only sell its weapons to countries that are “unequivocally democratic” and “clearly not corrupt.” A frantic search has now begun by Heckler & Koch customer care professionals to locate any countries out there that might possibly meet these requirements before the liquidator is called in but the results have been less than encouraging and time is running out fast.

“Wir wollen nur noch solide Länder beliefern, also zweifelsfrei demokratisch, eindeutig nicht korrupt und in der Nato oder Nato-nah.”  

Angela Merkel To Be Deported

Although it looks to me like they may have picked the wrong one.

Merkel

Late last year, a Syrian woman gave birth to a girl at a former hospital that had been repurposed into a refugee shelter in Duisburg, Germany. She and her husband had only recently arrived in Germany and wanted to honor their new home. So, they named their daughter Angela Merkel.

But less than a month before the infant’s first birthday, the Al-Hamza family’s future in their adopted country isn’t looking so sure. According to the Bild newspaper, the family was told their asylum application had been rejected by Germany’s Federal Office for Migration and Refugees. Instead, the Al-Hamza family has been offered “subsidiary protection,” a separate legal status that protects people from deportation for an initial period of one year but does not allow them to bring their family to Germany. They may stay longer if they are shown to be working and learning German to a sufficient level.

“There are no indications that the Syrian state puts everyone under general suspicion of belonging to the opposition.”

And The Little Girl Was Goose-Stepping, Too

And those Christmas trees covered in snow? Talk about white supremacist symbolism par excellence.

Christmas

Are we having that Christmas spirit yet, Germany? It’s time to find Nazi symbolism in supermarket TV ads that make a pitch for spending more time with your children during the holidays. Seek and you shall find, I always say. But don’t forget to take your medication regularly, I also always say.

A Volvo shown in the 84-second clip has the number plate MU SS 420. “SS” is forbidden on German number plates because it is synonymous with the Schutzstaffel, the Nazis’ paramilitary “protection squadron”. The number 420 is a common abbreviation – especially in far-right circles in the US – for Nazi leader Adolf Hitler’s birthday, 20 April.

Rent A Sozi?

As in rent a social democrat? Sure, OK. But who would want to do that?

SPD

I always thought that “social” was code for “here’s something for free.”

According to a German media report, the social democratic SPD party is granting access to ministers and officials in exchange for payments of up to 7,000 euros. Experts say this may violate the law on political parties.

Eine erste Konsequenz hat man bereits beschlossen: “‘Vorwärts-Gespräche’ – ob mit oder ohne Sponsoring – wird es in Zukunft nicht mehr geben.”

Eco-Power?

As in enormous-cost-power?

eco

And green power must be short for greenback power, right? Only they have to pay in euros here in Germany.

You’re never going to believe this: Energy prices will be rising dramatically again next year in Germany (same procedure as every year). It has something to do with this little thing they call the “eco-power levy” here (levy sounds better than tax). It’s going up another 8.3 percent. But it’s for the Energiewende so that’s a good thing, or something. Hey. It’s not easy being the world’s leader in renewable energy but somebody has to do it. And you still don’t mind paying for it… And you still don’t mind paying for it… And you still…

Öko-Strom-Umlage steigt um 8,3 Prozent.

SPD To Announce Candidate Later

Now that Angela Merkel has opened the campaign for next year’s parliamentary elections in Germany by announcing her intention to run for a fourth term, the folks over at the SPD have made it clear that they intend to wait until they are good and ready before announcing their candidate, probably sometime in 2018.

SPD

They don’t have a candidate who has a chance in hell, get it?*

Am Montagmorgen hatte SPD-Vize Ralf Stegner erklärt, die SPD werde “bald” über ihren Kandidaten befinden.

*Chancellors aren’t directly elected here, of course, but the SPD is now an under-20%-party.

Too Big To Fail

And I’m not talking about her weight or anything, OK?

Merkel

No Plan B, no competitors in sight (who she hasn’t already crushed politically, I mean) and in power since 1953, Chancellor Angela Merkel will hold a news conference this weekend during which she will announce whether she will run for another term as chancellor or not. Or for Mutti, if you prefer. Many smart politico types here think that the chances are relatively high that this might just maybe be the case.

Der vielbeschworene “geeignete Zeitpunkt” scheint gekommen: Im Rahmen einer Parteiklausur dürfte Angela Merkel am Sonntag ihre vierte Kanzlerkandidatur bekanntgeben.

Egyptians Better At This, Too

Not only do Egyptians beat Germans when it comes to completing building projects (German construction sites are built to last and last and last), they are also better than the Germans when it comes to reducing CO2 emission levels (and they don’t preach about it all day long while they’re doing it like the Germans do, either).

CO2

A new ranking of how well countries are working to limit climate change shows that Germany has fallen behind countries like Egypt and Mexico to 29th place worldwide.

PS: But when it comes to completing construction site projects, not even the Egyptians can whop the Japanese.

And You Thought The Next President Of The United States Was A Real Shocker

It could be worse. You could live here in Germany.

Steinmeier

Well at least they don’t let the people vote for their presidents here. This guy, Mr. Diplomat, is now going to become Mr. President. Talk about a mediocrity, a sheep in sheep’s clothing and all that. He is the living, breathing Spiegel Gutmensch in person. Only he’s not really a real person in reality. He’s more like that Abraham Lincoln robot dude I remember seeing once at Disneyland when I was a kid, only this one can walk. And talk at the same time, sort of (forget the chewing bubble gum at the same time part, though). It’s best if you turn off the volume whenever he starts talking, however. It’s more like a whine. And I don’t mean a fine whine, either.

That’s right. In other words he’ll be the perfect president for Germany.

Steinmeier (SPD), backed by many German industry leaders, academics and cultural leaders, raised concerns among U.S. and NATO officials earlier this year when he said a series of Western military exercises in eastern Europe could be seen as “saber-rattling” against Russia.

Next Brilliant Green Idea Set To Explode In Their Brilliant Green Faces

Having years of experience when it comes to introducing ideas that nobody likes and losing votes and power because of it,  the German Greens now plan to introduce a “wealth tax” to ensure that they will continue to lose votes in the upcoming 2017 election, as well.

Tax

In traditional re-distributive, Robin Hoodlum manner, they announced during their party conference in Wald Nottingheim (Nottingham Forest) that it is time to ask the “super rich,” whoever they might be, for a higher contribution to wasteful state spending and through this thus ensure that countless Mittelstand (middle class) companies in Germany will be disproportionately burdened. This will of course make them more competitive internationally. Not. As in Nottingham.

If industrialized countries, such as the US following Donald Trump’s victory, opted for a national orientation of their economy, German small- and medium-sized businesses would need their reserve funds more than ever before, Kretschmann stressed. The state should not go after these savings.