With A Little Help From My Friends

To keep Willy Brandt as Chancellor, the GDR was prepared to bribe members of German Parliament. Brandt’s intimate friend Egon Bahr (both SPD) negotiated with a GDR mediator in 1972 about payoffs for CDU and CSU parliamentarians. This has emerged in Stasi documents available to Der Spiegel. Brandt should thereby be kept in office. Bahr was State Secretary of the Chancellery at that time.

Brandt

And this is completely unrelated, of course, but for you history buffs out there: There was a very controversial Misstrauensvotum (vote of no confidence) in German Parliament back in 1972 which Willy Brandt won – with two decisive votes mysteriously missing for the conservative opposition that had proposed it.

“Das muss absolut verschwiegen bleiben.”

At Least It Wasn’t The NSA

The Unification Day celebrations are now officially over. Red-Red-Green coalition talks anyone?

STASI

Well what do you know? It turns out that the chief executive secretary of the Left Party in the Bundestag was a “top agent” of the Stasi. Sachen gibt’s die gibt’s gar nicht (what will they think up next?).

Left Party boss Gregor Gysi is absolutely shocked, of course, and just cannot understand how a person like that could infiltrate a political party like his.

But at least Left Party members are able to take solace in the fact that said agent was clearly not an insidious agent of North American imperialism (excluding Canada) and a rotten capitalistic scumbag opertive working for that reactionary bourgeois NSA spy system so in the news and up in our faces these days but rather an easy-going and progressive comrade type who was not at all forced to work for a quaint totalitarian state once located in the immediate vicinity but then inexplicably disappeared and was only trying to make the world a more, you know, social place to live

Schwerer Schlag für die Linke: Die Geschäftsführerin der Fraktion im Bundestag, Ruth Kampa, war offenbar eine Top-Agentin der Stasi. Fraktionschef Gysi will davon nichts gewusst haben.

Confirm Your Prejudice Here

Germans still have walls in their heads? Why should that surprise anybody? Everybody else does, too. It’s just that the Germans are the only ones who have an excuse for it, sort of.

Wall

“Eastern Germans often say that western Germans are arrogant, materialistic, more bureaucratic and superficial.”

…But Eastern Germans aren’t the only ones still holding prejudices – western Germans have their own clichés about Germans from the former GDR. According to surveys conducted by leading opinion research centers, western Germans think Eastern Germans are sour, mistrustful and anxious. On the other hand, only 43 percent of western Germans considered eastern Germans “motivated” and “flexible.”

And both are right, of course. Hey, if you believe you are a second class citizen, then you are one. And if you believe you are the superior one who calls all the shots, then you are. But it’s kind of fun watching these folks slowly ride off into the East-West sunset. Both camps know quite well that they’re already von gestern (yesterday’s news). Or as Butt-Head used to put it: “Uh-huh, old people, uh-huh.”

“The second and third generations after the unification are much more optimistic, and see more equality between east and west. The proportion of those who think there are more differences than similarities between eastern and western Germans has continuously decreased over the past years.”

And have a happy Unification Day already.

No Berlin Wall Here

Not unless you look at how Berliners vote, that is.

Berlin

There was no great cross-border migration in the city after 1989. People had security of tenure in their flats, and they stayed put. Berlin had a large concentration of members of the Socialist Unity Party (as the communist party in East Germany was called), as well as the civil servants and Stasi operatives who kept the communist state running, and they have remained in their areas and transferred their loyalty to Die Linke.

PS: Speaking of cross-border migration, whatever happened to Ray? You know, that Dutch dude who ripped off Berlin’s youth services for 30,000 euros while doing his memory loss show for months on end? Well, he just got slammed with all the Härte (severity) of German law and will now have to perform 150 hours of community work AND receive counseling. Yowie. Let me tell you what. The Germans do NOT mess around when it comes to dishing out draconic punishment.

Here’s How You Dress For Success

If you have ever dreamed of being a startlingly effective secret policeman in a paranoid German Communist dystopia, I mean.

Stasi

The Stasi fashion collection was extensive. The agency sent thousands of spies into West Germany and had access to vast amounts of cash to buy western goods to equip agents with.

“For me, the banality of some of these pictures makes them even more repulsive.”

Where’s The Pointy Hat?

A garden gnome or lawn gnome or in this case Karl Marx gnome is a figurine of a small humanoid creature, usually wearing a pointy hat, produced for the purpose of ornamentation and protection from evil sorcery, which is typically placed on front lawns or in gardens.These figurines originated in 19th-century Germany, where they became known as Gartenzwerg (garden dwarf).

Marx

Gartenzwerg should not be confused with Giftzwerg here, however. A Giftzwerg is a poison dwarf or a poisonous little man. Not unless you want to confuse the two, I mean.

“I want to inspire pedestrians to think about Karl Marx in a different way.”

Rookie Dictator Just Can’t Get Anybody To Take Him Seriously

In the latest feeble attempt to get the entire world to cower in fear before him, AZUBI (apprentice) communist dictator Kim Jong Un has now warned the German embassy in Pyongyang (and other foreign embassies as well) to consider evacuating their employees ASAP.

Rookie

North Korea will not be able to guarantee their safety in the event of the imminent conflict and subsequent Weltuntergang (Armageddon) which is about to take place honest I swear it is, he said.

And if these employees of yours are not evacuated real soon like, Kim Jong Un then went on to say, he may then have to seriously consider airing a live worldwide television broadcast (OK, YouTube) in which he will hold his breath until his face turns blue. No, he means red.

Nordkorea, das wegen seines Atomwaffenprogramms international isoliert ist, reiht seit Wochen militärische Drohungen insbesondere gegen die USA und Südkorea aneinander. Am Donnerstag hatte der Generalstab der nordkoreanischen Volksarmee mitgeteilt, ein Atomangriff auf die USA sei nun “offiziell genehmigt.”

Doing Business With Communist Regimes R Us

You won’t regret it, Pyongyang! Germans have always been the one-stop experts when it comes to laying the groundwork for foreign investment in crumbling shithole communist states!

Kim Jong Un

And here are just a few of the bennies your North Korean “companies” will soon be getting out of the coming deal:

We have absolutely no problem validating communism – we’ve been doing it for decades!

Our proven track record of indifference to the suffering populations under oppressive totalitarian regimes is virtually unmatched in the Western World!

Our economists and lawyers are all “can do will do” when it comes to selling expensive stuff to bullies of all varieties, no matter how bizarre, deranged or absolutely wacko they may be!

That is why you know that we support your latest master plan wholeheartedly – and we Germans KNOW a thing or two about master plans, too.

So remember Kim Jong: We are the pros when it comes to helping you help ourselves to help you help ourselves while helping you help us in the process.

“There is a master plan. They want to open up this year.”

International Olympic Committee To Disqualify All East German Olympic Medals

Just kidding.

The Limpics.

That the IOC seems determined to find a way to strip Armstrong’s time trial medal prompted Bill Mallon, one of the world’s leading Olympic historians, to ask in an email why the Olympic officials can’t do it for the medals won by doped East German athletes.  

It’s a good question.  

There actually is more documented evidence of East German doping than there is of Armstrong’s.  The Stasi (East German secret police) files opened after the 1989 fall of the Berlin Wall gave names, dates, and dosages, implicating many East German Olympic medalists from 1972 through 1988.