German Of The Day: Späti

May 18, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Beer, Berlin, Corner Stores, German, Germans, Germany, Kiosks, Language, Späti, Spätkauf 2 Comments

Speaking of Berlin… Finally there’s something this town can do really well: The Spätkauf or “open late” corner shop.

These late night places are everywhere in Berlin and, as the article linked to here rightly points out, “The Spätkauf in Berlin is not just an opportunity to go shopping, it’s also a social center for entire neighborhoods.” Or it’s an asocial center at the very least. There are guys at my Späti who seem to spend the whole summer hanging out around there, supporting the local beer industry in the process. Hey, somebody’s got to do it.

Mensch ist man dort, wo sie zu meinem Hund „meine Sonne“ sagen: Der Spätkauf ist in Berlin nicht nur Einkaufsgelegenheit, sondern auch soziales Zentrum ganzer Nachbarschaften.

“I can sing the Ode to Joy in German!”

May 9, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Boris Johnson, Brexit, EU, German, Language, Singing 2 Comments

Boris Johnson then added that “the French and German failure to get our jokes was a reason to vote Leave” the European Union (Brexit).

“There is simply no common political culture in Europe; no common media, no common sense of humour or satire and – this is important – no awareness of each other’s politics,” he said.

Dammit, that makes sense! Or at least I think it does.

“No, I don’t believe that leaving the EU would cause World War Three to break out on the European continent.”

German Of The Day: Mittelschicht

May 8, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Middle Class Leave a comment

That means middle class.

And here you thought that your middle class was shrinking. And it is, of course. But the German middle class is shrinking, too. And “it’s shrinking as quickly as the middle class in the U.S.” It’s down to 54 percent of the population, from 60 percent 20 years ago.

Der Anteil der Mittelschicht an der Bevölkerung ist in Deutschland in den vergangenen Jahrzehnten auf zuletzt 54 Prozent geschrumpft. Rund 20 Jahre zuvor lag er noch bei 60 Prozent. Vergleicht man die Entwicklung von 1991 bis 2013, schrumpfte die Mittelschicht in Deutschland genauso stark wie in den USA.

German Of The Day: Bollerwagen

May 5, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Ascension Day, Beer, Booze, Father's Day, German, Germans, Germany, Holidays, Humor, Language, Tradition 2 Comments

That means handcarts. Handcarts filled with beer.

And if a handcart isn’t available on German Father’s Day (Ascension Day) then you can always use a baby buggy or a shopping cart to put your booze in.

Es ist kompliziert. Warum aus Christi Himmelfahrt auch der Vater- und Herrentag geworden ist, lässt sich nicht mehr so recht nachvollziehen. Es wird spekuliert, dass die Prozession der Jünger Jesu zu einem Berg als Vorbild für die Männer mit Bollerwagen dienten.

German Of The Day: Spießer

May 1, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, History, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Germany, Hamburg, Humor, Language, May 1, Senseless Violence, Tradition 3 Comments

A Spießer is a fuddy-duddy. You know, like those fussy, old-fashioned and traditionalist folks who still insist on burning things down on May 1 in Germany?

Incapable of learning any new tricks, and still living in a fantasy world based upon stories about some mythical, imaginary past that their Spießer grandparents and parents read to them as small children, they are no longer able to understand that nobody in today’s real world is interested in their outmoded tastes and manners anymore and, accordingly, becoming frustrated by the lack of attention they receive when resorting to violence, resort to violence.

Traditionsgemäß haben zum 1. Mai linke Gruppen in Berlin und Hamburg demonstriert.

Money Doesn’t Stink In Germany

April 21, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Cash, Corruption, Crime, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Money Laundering 2 Comments

That’s because it gets laundered here so much. Get it?

Over 100 billion euros gets processed here every year. They even call it Geldwäsche (money washing). That sounds a lot more, I dunno, cleaner than laundering does, don’t you think?

Germany is considered an El Dorado for criminals who want to launder their money, a study for the Finance Ministry has found.

Money laundering deals that take place outside of the finance sector go largely undetected in Germany – meaning a large proportion of all illegal business is never found, the report claims.

So like why go to the trouble of opening some fake offshore company in Panama?

Nur Bares ist Wahres?

German Of The Day: Majestätsbeleidigung

April 20, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Böhmermann, Censorship, Erdogan, Free speech, German, Germans, Germany, Insults, Justice, Language, Law, Legislation, Satire, Slander Leave a comment

That means a slight or an insult against a sovereign majesty-type person (lèse majesté).

You know, the crime German comedian Jan Böhmermann recently committed against the Top Sultan What’s in Charge in Turkey? In the year 2016, I mean?

Anyways, this law, paragraph 103, is still on the books here in Germany and Hamburg’s justice minister has decided to go way out on the limb here and give it a shot and see if he could maybe sort of like get rid of this ridiculous piece of legislation already. It would be a big step forward into the unknown and all that, of course, but I, for one, am convinced that German civilization will be able to handle it.

Die Justizbehörde geht davon aus, dass das Gesetz noch vor der Sommerpause gestrichen werden könnte und das Verfahren gegen Böhmermann dann eingestellt werden müsste. Davon unberührt blieben jedoch Ermittlungen gegen Böhmermann wegen Beleidigung nach Paragraf 185 Strafgesetzbuch.

Speaking Of State Control…

April 6, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: German, Germans, Germany, GEZ, Language, Nanny State, Patermalism, Prison, State Control, Taxation, Television Leave a comment

There may not be any punishment here for producing awful television shows but if YOU get sassy and don’t pay your GEZ TV tax (or “mandatory fee,” as the tax collectors prefer to call it) you can go to jail.

I’m not making this up. All German households must shell out 17.50 euros ($20) a month to watch great entertainment like Traumshiff, Lindenstrasse and Tatort, Tatort, Tatort as well as be submitted to propagandistic-indoctrination-like nightly news programs à la the Tagesschau by those good old fashioned unelected and nameless state TV official folks over there at the ARD and the ZDF (exhale now). Or else.

A woman was freed from prison after a court in Chemnitz had admitted that they had kept her in custody for 61 days because of her refusal to pay the GEZ fees.

Regional state broadcaster MDR applied for an arrest warrant against Sieglinde Baumert in September 2015 in an attempt to force her to sign a statement about her assets, which she refused because, as she told “Die Welt” newspaper, “With my signature I would confirm the legality of the mandatory fees.”

“I feel patronized, I get the decision taken away from me about what I’m paying my money for.”

Censorship Is For Everyone

April 5, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Censorship, Freedom of Speech, German, Germans, Germany, Justice, Language, Law, Lawsuits, Rammstein, State Control Leave a comment

Just like Liebe.

Hey, you know the deal here in Germany: Anything that is not expressly allowed is strictly forbidden. Or at least very, very, very suspicious. You know, like free speech?

Rammstein has filed a lawsuit against Germany for having temporarily indexed the album “Liebe ist für alle da,” said a spokesperson of the Bonn Regional Court on Monday (04.04.2016). The rock band is seeking 66,000 euros (nearly $75,000) in damages.

In 2009, the Federal Department for Media Harmful to Young Persons, a German governmental agency responsible for listing works that could potentially harm youths, had decided that one of the songs of the album, “Ich tu dir weh,” as well as the pictures in the booklet accompanying the CD, were “brutalizing” and “immoral.” The entire album was indexed.

Once a work gets listed by the organization, it may not be advertised and can only be sold under strict conditions – limiting its potential success.

Ist alles, was nicht ausdrücklich verboten ist, erlaubt?

I Didn’t Believe This For One Second

April 1, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: April Fools' Day, Berlin, F1, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Jokes, Language, Pranks, Prison Leave a comment

It took me about half the article before I finally figured out what was going on.

But I’m a real sucker for this kind of stuff: Formula 1 racing is coming to Berlin in 2017?

Anyone who knows anything about Germans knows they love cars. So it wasn’t immediately obvious that the Berliner Zeitung’s joke about plans for a new Formula One race on the streets of the capital wasn’t true – all the more so since Berlin already hosts a Formula E (electric) race each year.

A mocked-up image showed German Red Bull driver Sebastian Vettel doing donuts on the Pariser Platz, site of the Brandenburg Gate. The supposed 5.85-kilometre course through Berlin is similar to the lengths of the actual races in Monaco and Melbourne. And they even considered the impact on residents: the F1 cars were allegedly to be equipped with silencers designed to limit the noise for complaint-prone Berliners.

April, April (April Fools’ Day) or something.

Zu Promozwecken war Sebastian Vettel schon mal mit seinem Boliden in Berlin. Im kommenden Jahr darf er hier auch ein Rennen fahren.

PS: I think anybody who thinks up pranks like these ought to be sent to German prison. As a reward, I mean.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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