Category Archives: Humor

Diplomacy Is Everything

February 2, 2017 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Just ask Donald Trump (after he gets off the phone with Australia). He and the new German foreign minister Sigmar Gabriel (SPD) ought to get along just fine. He’s coming for a visit to Washington today. If they let him through airport security, I mean.

Diplomacy

“The US will have to build better cars.”

“Here in Europe, it is not our policy to stigmatize people.”

“He actually means it and I think we must dress warmly (be prepared).”

“Dear USA, stay the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

“Like speculators who ride the wave of rage, without care for the consequences.”

“I hope to have a direct and personal exchange, as well as to offer friendship and trust to Washington,” Gabriel said ahead of the meeting.

“Overwhelming And Sustained Public Presence”

January 31, 2017 By in Habitudes, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

That’s what the English term fake news has in Germany. And that’s why it just won Anglicism of the year 2016 (that’s bigger than the Oscars over here, folks).

Fake

Fake (pronounced “fack” as in Fack ju Göhte) and news (pronounced “noose”) is more than the sum of its parts. Much more. It fills a gap in German vocabulary that would otherwise not be filled. That is, unless you filled this gap with fake German news, a term for which there is no proper German term. This is because all the news here is fake, always has been (state-run TV, know what I’m saying?). But it’s all good clean fun and nobody gets hurt feelings because Germany is a benevolent all-intrusive kinda state, right? Not always has been, but still.

„Fake News“ wird im Englischen den Angaben zufolge etwa seit dem Ende des 19. Jahrhunderts verwendet: Damals seien bewusste Falschmeldungen in Zeitungen ab und an so bezeichnet worden.

Germany To Build Autobahn And Let Austria Pay For It

January 27, 2017 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Outraged by years of illegal foreign automobile immigration into their country, irate German politicians have now announced the introduction of road tolls that purposely aim to discriminate against these foreign drivers. The money taken in here will then be used to build yet another autobahn to, uh, keep them out or something.

Foreigner

As one irate Berlin government spokesman noted: “We will build a great autobahn, and nobody builds autobahns better than us, believe me, and we’ll build it very inexpensively. We will build a great great autobahn on our southern border and we’ll have Austria pay for that autobahn.”

Furious and really, really pissed off, the Austrian prime minister has now cancelled a visit with chancellor Merkel planned for next week and Austrian companies have begun launching a series of boycotts of German companies.

Austrian Transport Minister Joerg Leichtfried on Wednesday said he was discussing with other countries whether to file a joint complaint against Germany’s proposed Autobahn toll, which he said violated the EU’s “principle of equal treatment”.

Der Aufstand gegen die Pkw-Maut beginnt

Who Am I? Where Am I? And Why Am I Reading This?

January 26, 2017 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Higher Education, Humor, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

My fellow Americans: We have lost our identity. Again already, or something. Or at least that’s what I just read down here.

Amerika

But luckily for us, the folks over at Spiegel Online are going to give our identities back to us. Only this being Germany, and Germany being Germany, and what with Datenschutz (data protection) and all, we will have to properly identify ourselves first, of course (unless we’re Syrian refugees from North Africa, I mean, but we’re not, we’re Mericans). So… Wait a minute. How the hell is this supposed to work anyway?

Reporter Holger Stark spent the past four years as DER SPIEGEL’s Washington correspondent during a time in which the country changed radically enough to elect Donald Trump as its president. What led this once mighty nation into decline?

Megalomania & Small-Mindedness – How America Lost Its Identity

PS: Just read it, folks. They’re only trying to help us. This is NOT fake news, by the way, so don’t even THINK of looking for any alternative facts.

Russia Scared?

January 25, 2017 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Of 17 German officers and 30 Belgian troops who have just arrived in Lithuania?

Troops

I’m scared, too. Or at least I was. That I hadn’t read that right, I mean. But now I’m scared again because I checked once more and I did read that right: German troops land in Lithuania amid Russia fears.

Though political parties within Germany – whose national history makes it a hesitant military leader – clashed over the deployment of German troops, Lithuanian President Dalia Grybauskaite greeted Germany’s decision to lead the NATO forces as a “breakthrough” for the future of European defense.

Moscow, on the other hand, has criticized the move as an example of NATO aggression against Russia.

Designated Loser (SPD) Magnanimously Makes Room For Next Designated Loser (SPD)

January 24, 2017 By in Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, Hideology, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The current head of the SPD, Sigmar Gabriel, has decided not to run as SPD candidate for chancellor in next September’s Merkelection, magnanimously allowing the all-knowing and immensely more annoying Martin Schulz to lose in his stead instead.

SPD

Schulz, commissar refugee from Brussels currently seeking asylum in Germany, could not be reached for comment but this does not really matter because he never freakin’ stops talking anyway.

Das Porträt zeigt einen Politiker, der “nach einem halben Jahr Nachdenken, Zweifeln, Ringen, nach Fahrplanänderungen und Freundschaftskrisen” endlich mit sich im Reinen ist.

Time For More Yummy Berlin Fashion!

January 18, 2017 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Horror, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , 1 Comment

At Berlin Fashion Week!

Berlin Fashion Week

And they’re finally bringing out a collection for the rest of us. It’s called “Alien Nation” and I couldn’t feel more alienated if I tried.

This latest collection, prepared for the autumn/winter 2017/18 season, is being shown under the title “Alien Nation,” a nod to the estrangement that Goy and Kubeja, like many other artists today, feel as a result of the shifts in the political climate. “The collection is not as pictorial as previous collections have been,” said Goy.

German Of The Day: Stiff Upper Lippe

January 16, 2017 By in Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

That means stiff upper lip.

Trump

And that’s what meany Berlin politician types are struggling with to keep up after Donald Trump’s latest bizarre attacks against Germany, the EU and NATO.

In trying to console themselves, however, many German stiff-upper-lippers remind the rest of us that Donald Trump is also against the UN, the CIA, the FBI, AC/DC, TCP/IP and even LSD itself, to name just a few. Although the LSD…

With a stiff upper lip, Steffen Seibert instead pledged that Berlin would “co-operate closely” with the Trump administration.

My German Is More Dumber Than Your German Is

January 14, 2017 By in High Art, Higher Education, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s 99 cent blowout ebook sale time again! Like how outrageous is that?

Dumb

Dumb Deutsch: Absurd German Language Errors (auch für deutsche Leser geeignet)

Also available at iTunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, etc. For a limited time only or something.*

“Very funny book, relating dumb things people say while trying out their high school German. Laughing so hard at my normally quiet workplace I had tears in my eyes, my boss walked by and asked if I was OK. Oh yeah! She has a great sense of humor with an eye toward languages. Buy this book and laugh yourself silly!”

–Kilgore Trout

* I’d give this ebook away for free but then you wouldn’t read it and that would be irresponsible so I won’t.

Leading German Fake News Provider Upset That News It Calls Real Now Being Called Fake By Others

January 12, 2017 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Aghast (along with CNN) at allegations by President-elect Donald Trump that the fake news they and other major fake news purveyors regularly claim to be real is actually fake, German fake news provider Der Spiegel now claims that the President-elect’s allegations are “like totally fake already.”

Fake

“He can’t be serious, can he? Let’s get real here, people,” said one empörter (indignant) journalist in Hamburg. “He’s faking it. And I know a fake when I see one. That’s my job. And I mean that. For real.”

Fake News ist für manche die unbelastete Variante von “Lügenpresse” und ein bequemes Schlagwort für alles Neue, was einem nicht in den Kram passt. Auch in Deutschland findet das Nachahmer bei jenen, die die von ihnen sogenannten Mainstream-Medien ins Visier genommen haben.