Clowns Funny After All

October 26, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Horror, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Beatings, Clowns, German, Germans, Germany, Hammers, Humor, Knives 2 Comments

It took me forever to finally get how this creepy clown conspiracy stuff works but now I’m laughing my Hintern (behind) off.

I had always found clowns creepy (even the old-school, “normal” kind) and anything but funny but that’s only because nobody had ever explained to me how this works. Once one of these new “horror clowns” shows up to bug you, for instance, you either stab them with a knife or wack them with a hammer. Well that’s how they’re doing it here in Germany. Hardy, har, har! Give me more!

Horror-Clown-Attacke: Junge wehrt sich mit “Hammer Gottes.”

German Of The Day: Schwerbehindert

October 24, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypochondria Tags: Disabilities, Disease Mongering, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Scams 7 Comments

That means severely disabled. You know, like 10 percent of the German population?

Huh? I know what you’re thinking, but it’s true. No, I’m not thinking it’s just another big scam (I know it is). I’m thinking how could it only be just 10 percent?

Schwerbehindert sind laut Statistik Menschen, denen die Versorgungsämter einen Grad der Behinderung von mindestens 50 Prozent zuerkennen und die einen gültigen Ausweis haben.

Wussy Clowns Pissed Off At Creepy Clowns

October 21, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Clowns, German, Germans, Germany Leave a comment

Worried about the bad reputation the current creepy clown conspiracy could give the already bad reputation that wussy, so-called “genuine” clowns in the German clown industry now enjoy, wussy clown spokesmen have denounced the creepy clowns as being “a bunch of creeps” and have asked them to “please stop clowning around already.”

“It’s bad enough that we scare that pants off of small children and animals already,” one spokesman said. “While cheering them up against their will, I mean. But now you want to freak out the rest of the nation in just the same way? Like how sick is that?”

Der Dachverband „Dachverband Clowns in Medizin und Pflege Deutschland e.V.“ hat sich am Mittwoch in einer Pressemitteilung zu Wort gemeldet. Und bittet um Abgrenzung. „Grusel-Clowns sind keine Clowns“, heißt es darin. „Es sind wirre Menschen, die ihre destruktiven Neigungen nur auf diese armselige Art ausleben wollen. Sie sind weder komisch noch beeindruckend, sondern ein grotesker Abklatsch einer zutiefst menschlichen, positiven Freude an der Anarchie.

German Of The Day: Sexmonster

October 20, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Bildzeitung, Compound Words, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Media, Trump 4 Comments

That means sex monster.

But that’s only because this year’s presidential election is a real Schlammschlacht.

German word-compounding really shines: Schlamm means “filth” (with connotations of “slime”), and Schlacht, in addition to meaning “fight,” as it’s used here, also means “slaughter” (which you may remember from Schlachthof-fünf in the Vonnegut classic).

The International Creepy Clown Conspiracy Has Now Reached Germany

October 18, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Horror, Humor Tags: Clowns, Conspiracies, German, Germans, Germany, Halloween 3 Comments

And the first sighting was in Gelsenkirchen. Itself.

Just remember, folks: If ever attacked by a mob of creepy clowns, go for the juggler.

Police in Greenville, South Carolina, were alerted this summer to clowns trying to lure children from an apartment complex into the woods. In Texas and West Virginia, people dressed as clowns were arrested this month for chasing strangers with sticks and baseball bats.

Seit etwa zwei Jahren machen unheimliche Clowns in den Vereinigten Staaten die Straßen unsicher. Die Maskierten machen sich einen Spaß daraus, anderen Menschen aufzulauern und sie zu erschrecken. Als Videos tauchen die unheimlichen Streiche dann oft im Internet auf.

German Jail Guards Shocked That Syrian Suicide Bomb Suspect Would Want To Kill Himself

October 14, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: German, Germans, Germany, ISIS, Islamic Terror, Jaber al-Bakr, Syrians, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

“I am incredibly shocked and in disbelief that this could have happened,” said one guard after being informed of the hanging, while eating a sandwich and watching Tatort in the break room.

“Yeah. Just because some guy was fiddling around with the same high explosive used for the suicide vests in the Paris attacks doesn’t necessarily mean he was out to harm himself,” another guard replied, sitting next to the first guard, playing solitaire. “Besides, we’re like nowhere even near Paris.”

No other jail guards were present to be interviewed at the time of this post so their comments concerning the incident will have to be gathered later.

Man kann den Eindruck bekommen, als wäre hier vorgegangen worden, als sei das ein Taschendieb, der vor dem Hauptbahnhof gefangen worden ist.

Germany Leaps Forward Again

October 10, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Bans, CO2, Emissions, German, Germans, Germany, Global warming, Industry, Nuclear power 2 Comments

In the saving the world game, I mean.

And here you thought the Germans shutting down their nuclear power plants after an accident in Japan was hardcore enough (and it was). Now they’re going to outlaw internal combustion engines (albeit not until the year 2030).

Amazing Scheiße, I find. It does make me wonder what they’re going to be outlawing next, however. I would have bet on the wheel but it’ll be pretty much taken care of as soon as the internal combustion engines go so I’m now going to put my money on fire itself. Do you have any idea how much CO2 cooking your food releases into the atmosphere? Me neither, but you can be sure that it’s way too much. At least in Germany.

Being a subscriber to Mad Magazine, when I first saw the title of this article at Gizmodo recently, I assumed I’d mixed up my bookmarks and gone to the wrong site. “German Lawmakers Vote to Ban the Internal Combustion Engine.” Oh, come on, man. That can’t be right, can it? The home of some of the higher performance engines in the history of fine cars can’t seriously be talking about this, can they? Well color me embarrassed because, with a few caveats, it turned out to be true.

Charges Dropped Against German Comedian Because He Wasn’t Being Funny On Purpose

October 5, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Comedians, Comedy, Erdogan, Freedom of Speech, Jan Boehmermann, Justice, Law, Satire, ZDF Leave a comment

He was only being funny by accident, investigators say, so that’s OK.

If he had been funny while trying to be funny on purpose, however, this guy would have been up Scheiße Creek without a paddle. Germany comedy is no laughing matter, folks.

Prosecutors have been praised in Germany for dropping a criminal probe into a poem perceived as insulting by Turkish President Recep Erdogan. Satirist Jan Böhmermann’s wording unleashed a diplomatic row last April…

In a three-page declaration Thursday, the prosecutors said their investigation had not established a deliberate intent to insult (insult comedy = to be funny, or can be), sufficient to lead to a criminal conviction.

Es ist enorm wichtig für mich als Künstler in solchen Zeiten einen starken, selbstbewussten öffentlich-rechtlichen Sender mit klarer, unabhängiger Haltung hinter sich zu wissen.

Hitler Face A Real Hit

September 30, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, High Art, History, Humor Tags: Art, Berlin, Berlin Leuchtet, German, Germans, Germany, Hitler, Installations, Mall of Berlin Leave a comment

Everybody is talking about it or something. It only comes out at night. And Halloween is still a full month away.

The huge Hitler face triggered a police call out after a stunned motorist was among dozens to ring in to say: ‘I have seen a gigantic Hitler projected on to a building at Leipziger Platz.’

It turned out the beaming dictator was projected on to the wall as part of the Berlin Light art festival which draws two million visitors from around the world, and Hitler forms part of the programme.

Am Leipziger Platz leuchtet ihnen ein übergroßer Adolf Hitler entgegen. Er rollt die Augen und lacht dabei irre.

Double-O-Sieben In Da Hood

September 27, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: 007, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, James Bond, Spies, Tax evasion, Werner Mauss Leave a comment

Or at least under it.

Now we know why we never hear much about German spy activity. First off all, German spies are really easy to recognize because of those dopey hoods they wear. I mean, duh. Like you can see them spying at you a mile away.

And secondly, if any of them do turn out to be any good, they get thrown into jail for tax evasion.

Germany’s answer to James Bond on Monday faced what may prove to be the greatest challenge of his career as he went on trial on charges of tax evasion…

The 76-year-old Mr Werner* has claimed he helped avert a mafia poisoning attempt against Pope Benedict XVI negotiated between Israel and Hamas, and took part in intelligence operations against Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (Isil).

* It’s Mr. Mauss, Telegraph journalists, not Mr. Werner. Mr. Mauss is a way cooler spy name, too.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Humor