German Security Officials Now Ready To Consider Introducing More McDonald’s Restaurants

December 17, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Big Brother, Bombings, Bonn, CCTV, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, McDonald's, Paranoia, Satire, Security, Surveillance, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

After the German city of Bonn narrowly escaped a deadly bombing last week – and unable to locate the suspected radical Islamist perpetrators due to a lack of recorded surveillance images – German authorities are now ready to consider intensifying the use of CCTV surveillance in Germany by dramatically increasing the number of McDonald’s restaurants allowed to open for business here.

“Violent criminals could be deterred and crimes and planned attacks more quickly cleared up with increased McDonald’s video technology in public spaces,” one Interior Ministry spokesman said. “I mean, like we’ve got to do something now, don’t we?”

The only surveillance images that could help the police in the hunt for the Bonn perpetrators come from the McDonald’s fast food chain. Unlike Deutsche Bahn, the McDonald’s restaurant on Platform 1 did record activity with its surveillance cameras.

Horse Du Bezahlt?

December 16, 2012 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Animals, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Public Transportation, S-Bahn, Satire, Subways 3 Comments

What is the news story here, anyway?

That there is a pony taking the Berlin S-Bahn (it’s still better than walking, I guess), or that the pony didn’t pay?

Pony ohne Fahrschein in der Berliner S-Bahn unterwegs.

Because Talk Is Cheap

December 14, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Debate, Dialogue, Discussion, Günther Jauch, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Talk, Talk Shows 3 Comments

Why Germans like talking things through? Come on, give me a break.

“Being German means overdoing something for its own sake.”

PS: The only good Amerika is a rusty one.

Ronald McDonald Sees All

December 13, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Big Brother, Bombings, Bombs, Bonn, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, McDonald's, Paranoia, Satire, Surveillance, Terrorism, Terrorists Leave a comment

You can run, suspected terrorist types, but you can’t hide from the Golden Arches.

After discovering and destroying a “highly dangerous” explosive device at Bonn’s central train station, German police are now patting themselves on the back for having already made their first arrest in the case, all thanks to the dreaded (in Germany) security camera footage in use there.

No, not the footage from the security cameras aimed at the platform where the device was found – there was no coverage there – this footage came from the security cameras used at the central station’s US-Amerikan McDonald’s restaurant.

You know, die totale Überwachung (the total surveillance) state and all that? Germans don’t like that kind of stuff for some reason (that terrorist suspect dude doesn’t like it much either, I bet). It has to do with data privacy or Google Street View or something. I forget.

Would you like fries with that?

Zwar appellieren Datenschützer, bei der Überwachung öffentlichen Raumes die Verhältnismäßigkeit zu wahren. Doch etwa in Ballungszentren Großbritanniens hat man sich an flächendeckende Kamerapräsenz längst gewöhnt – und davon kann die Polizei häufig profitieren.

Secret Weapons Deals?

December 12, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Military, Military Industrial Complex, Pacifism, Peace, Weapons, Weapons Exports 1 Comment

Since when has any of this been a secret?

That Germany is the world’s third largest weapons exporter, I mean (preferably to the Middle East these days, by the way). So what’s the problem here? Germany is simultaneously the world’s number one pacifist nation too, you know.

But to make matters even, uh, better, some here are unabashedly calling this enlightened policy “the Merkel Doctrine” now: It’s better to maintain peace by selling weapons, rather than have to fight for it. They have to be German weapons, of course. But still. You know, help those who help themselves while you’re helping yourself at the same time?

Wait a minute. Hasn’t that always been the doctrine here?

Waffen verkaufen, statt selber zu kämpfen.

Pleasant Christmas Smells Make Germans Sick

December 11, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Christmas, German, Germans, Germany, Health, Holidays, Humor, Psychology, Satire, Smells 2 Comments

And here you always figured that your lousy Chirstmas spirit had to do with the dreaded Verwandtenbesuch (visiting relatives). Well, it does. But recent research indicates that Christmas smells in abundance (and they always are this time of year) can also make Germans irritable and depressed.

That’s right. Aromatic candles, incense, advent wreaths with cinnamon and cloves, vanilla, anise, coriander, you name it. All these wonderfully smelly yule tide substances now pose a health threat to us (I mean you) and should be enjoyed in moderation only. I mean not be enjoyed in moderation only, of course.

Bah! Humbug already!

“Zuerst empfindet man den Duft noch als angenehm, aber bald schon kippt die Stimmung, man fühlt sich unwohl, leer oder gereizt.”

Know What This Is?

December 7, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hate, History Tags: Berlin, Bombing, German, Germans, Germany, London, The Blitz, World War II 3 Comments

An interactive map of every single bomb dropped on London by the German Luftwaffe during the Blitz of World War II.

During that period (the London Blitz), London was attacked 71 times. More than one million houses were destroyed or damaged, and more than 40,000 civilians were killed.

“Wenn man diese Karten und die Verbreitung der Bomben über der Hauptstadt betrachtet, wird klar, was das Wort Blitz bedeutet.”

Yuppie Scum Need Not Apply

December 4, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Foreigners, Gentrification, German, Germans, Germany, Hipsters, Humor, Property, Real Estate, Satire, Tourism, Yuppies 2 Comments

What would you do if hords of uninvited strangers suddenly started pouring into your city for temporary visits in order to pump boatloads of money into your local economy? What would you do if affluent and upwardly mobile young expats moved into your neighborhood(s) and started opening businesses, buying homes and increasing the property values there?

Why you’d freak the hell out and demand that they get the freak out of Dodge by sundown, wouldn’t you? Oh, you wouldn’t? Then you’re not German. Worse still: You don’t live in Berlin and you’re not a Berliner, either.

Viva the Hipster Antifa Neukölln or something.

“The anti-foreigner thing started as a bit of a joke but now it is much more serious. This is critical, it is sneaking into mainstream thinking – it’s almost being perceived as normal to dislike tourists.”

Saudi Arabia

December 2, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Middle East, Military Industrial Complex, Saudi Arabia, Weapons, Weapons Exports Leave a comment

Beautiful German weapon sale of the week.

Because somebody has to admire them.

How Shocking

November 30, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, History, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Diplomatic Immunity, Embassies, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iran, Iran Hostage Crisis, Satire Leave a comment

Or something. 30 protesters stormed the grounds of the Iranian mission in Berlin Dahlem and pelted the building with stones and paint and stuff.

Uh, so what’s the problem with that, Guido? It’s not like they’re going to be taking hostages are anything.

“Just as we expect other states to provide adequate protection for our embassies, so we must ensure German authorities are doing everything possible to protect diplomatic missions.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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