If It Wasn’t For Fake Names I wouldn’t Have No Names At All

Fake Germans everywhere are distraught about a legal battle Facebook ITSELF won yesterday in Germany affirming that users in that country must register on the website with their real names.

Facebook

This is a terrible blow to German privacy in general and the German Office of the Data Protection Commissioner in particular because, well, this leaves the door wide open for companies like Facebook “to determine their own policies about anonymity within the governing law” when offering their services and, uh, that is just plain unacceptable or something because, well, then people like the Data Protection Commissioner could soon be out of work.

Die Entscheidungen sind mehr als verblüffend.

Poor But Sexy But Inter-State Fiscally Adjusted

Berlin is.

Waste

Here’s a new German word for you: Länderfinanzausgleich. In a nutshell, this means that wealthy German states like Bavaria and Hesse (so-called donor states) are obligated to subsidize poor but sometimes sexy German states like Berlin and Bremen (so-called recipient states) because, well, hell if I know why.

This is also known as “inter-state fiscal adjustment” here. You know, good old fashioned Umverteilung (redistribution of somebody else’s money) or subsidies, if you prefer.

Anyways, Bavaria and Hesse, for one (or two), are mad as hell and aren’t going to take it (or give it) anymore and are bringing an action before the German Verfassungsgericht (Supreme Court) claiming that this type of thing is constitutionally imbalanced and needs to be done away with – at least when it comes to Berlin because the Berlin city/state government consists of a worthless bunch of lazy and wasteful bums who are completely out of control when it comes to spending and would never think of stopping their spending if they aren’t forced to, which is, well, a pretty accurate analysis of the situation here.

This will probably go nowhere, however, because Germans are big fans of something they like to call Solidarität (no English equivalent that I can find other than maybe “supporting lazy and wasteful and sometimes sexy bums”).

“Das Gesamtsystem leidet unter einer zu weitgehenden Nivellierung der Länderfinanzkraft, die den politisch Verantwortlichen eines Landes das Eigeninteresse nimmt, Maßnahmen zur Stärkung der originären Steuerkraft zu ergreifen.”

1.4 Will Get You 5.5

Just in case you wondering about the virtues of stringent gun control laws in a country like Germany…

Gun

It turns out that there are 1.4 million Germans who legally own weapons. There are about 5.5 million weapons in circulation, however.

This is a so-called Widerspruch (contradiction), isn’t it? No German would/should own more than one weapon, (and one bullet) would/should he/she? I, for one, feel that German lawmakers should waste no time or effort in passing even more stringent gun control legislation immediately to well, uh, clear this Widerspruch up ASAP real pronto like already.

Die Deutschen haben rund 5,5 Millionen Waffen im Privatbesitz. Legale Besitzer gibt es aber nur 1,4 Millionen.

Duff Beer Exists Here

Homer Simpson is a cartoon character, right? And Duff beer is imaginary.

Doh!

But in Germany you can enjoy Duff beer for real, brewed by two separate companies even, if you want to, because Germany’s Federal Court of Justice (the nation’s highest court of law) said you could.

I don’t make this stuff up, people. This country’s a freakin’ fantasia land amusement park or something. For cryin’ out loud.

“In dieser Zeichentrickserie tritt ein Herr Homer Simpson auf, und dieser Herr trinkt”, erläuterte der Vorsitzende Richter Joachim Bornkamm in der mündlichen Verhandlung. Wobei Bornkamm betonte, es sei wohl “ein eher billiges Bier”.

Pimp My Sheep?

She’s not baaaad and all, but this is so weird it’s… Well, I don’t even know how weird this is anymore, to tell you the truth.

Germany is about to ban sex with animals, including the “pimping” of farm animals for sex.

Lobbyist Michael Kiok, who lives with his dog Cassie, told the newspaper there were more than 100,000 zoophiles in Germany.

“Mere morals have no place in law,” he said.

The Latest Radical New Concept

After years of deliberation, the German Justice Department has finally decided to take a bold leap into uncharted legal waters and official declare that theft should be punishible. OK, in this case it’s “data theft.”

Wow. Talk about a great leap forward for German Gerechtigkeit (justice) or something. The background: Like junkies in need of their next fix, German tax officials (usually from SPD led state governments) have been regularly purchasing stolen goods in recent months; data CDs containing lists of German tax evaders with Swiss bank accounts. Needless to say, the SPD & Co. are unhappy about this rather belated juristic revelation.

Is this the beginning of the end of the means justifying the end? Or was it vice versa?

“Datendiebstahl soll strafbar sein.”

Circumcision Decision Revision

Not that there was ever much doubt about it. That it would come to a big backpedaling Aktion, I mean.

The German government says Jewish and Muslim communities should be able to continue the practice of circumcision, after a regional court ruled it amounted to bodily harm.

That’s what can happen when you have that pressing need to fix things that aren’t broken.

“Circumcision carried out in a responsible manner must be possible without punishment.”

That Didn’t Take Long

“We urge the Jewish community in Germany and circumcisers to continue to perform circumcisions and not to wait for a change in the law.”

A German court’s ban on circumcising baby boys has provoked a rare show of unity between Jews, Muslims and Christians who see it as a threat to religious freedom, while doctors warn it could increase health risks by forcing the practice underground.

Die Positionen zur Beschneidung waren bei Anne Will unversöhnlich, am härtesten stritten ein Rabbiner und ein Strafrechtler.

Circumcision Decision Causing Division

And may need a revision.

Leaders of Germany’s Jewish and Muslim communities have criticized a court ruling they fear could make circumcision a punishable offense in the country.

Talk about having short vision.

German courts need more tight supervision.

There was no provision for all the derision now caused by that little incision.

“This is an unprecedented and dramatic intrusion on the right to self-determination of religious communities.”