Speaking Of Life Jackets…

Anybody who voluntarily goes to this event needs to be wearing one at the very least. Und zwar (namely) a get-a-life jacket*.

Life Jackets

That’s right. It’s Cinema for Peace time in Berlin again and this year’s theme is, how the hell do I know? Nobody knows. Refugees? Whatever it is it looks like only those with good connections to the cereal industry are allowed to take part this year (same procedure as every year). You know, you’ve got to be either a nut, a fruit or a flake?

Like, what is any of this supposed to mean?

Den Mist mache ich nicht mit, ich kacke ja auch nicht auf den Tisch im Namen der Kunst.

* Space blankets are of course also angesagt (hot) this year.

Meryl Streep Wants More Inclusion

As Berlin Film Festival Jury head, that is. In industry and politics, I mean. And the Berlinale is just the place to, uh, want that kind of thing, or something.

Meryl Streep

You know, more women, more people of non-white color, more transgender cats and dogs, more environmentally friendly refrigerators, stuff like that needs more inclusion. Who would disagree? Who even could? And we’re talking inclusion as in diversity here, people. NOT assimilation.

Sadly, things that are definitely not included in the inclusion here – here at the Berlin Film Festival, I mean, the Berlinale, that is, the reason why this lady from Hollywood is here in the first place – are films that anybody/anything in his/her/its right mind might ever possibly want to see.

“The thing I’ve noticed from my different roles is there is a core of humanity that travels right through every culture. And, after all, we’re all from Africa, originally. We’re all Berliners. We’re all Africans, really.”

Berlinale Increases Security To Protect Crappy Films

With the threat of terrorist attacks in Europe on the rise, organizers at the Berlin International Film Festival are worried that frustrated patrons might actually take action for once and are beefing up security big time this year.

Berlinale

“All measures essential to ensure the safety of these pretentious films of ours from any possible attacks carried out by radicalized festivalgoers and other unwanted guests are being implemented as we speak,” a spokesperson said, more like snarled. “Albeit in an inconspicuous and unobtrusive manner. Not like the way we organize the rest of our awful festival, I mean.”

Wird es auch spezielle Vorführungen für Flüchtlinge geben?

German Of The Day: Realitätsverweigerung

That means denying reality.

Invasion

It is very popular in Germany at the moment due to the refugee invasion currently taking place, part of the denial process here being that this invasion isn’t even being referred to as one. They call it the refugee question or situation or policy or crisis instead (crisis is clearly leading at the moment).

It has a long tradition. If German reality deniers don’t like the facts, the facts – or at least the ways they view them – just get twisted around (or we are informed by them that “there are no facts at all”). And that’s a fact. Happens all the time. Everything is relative, you see. See moral relativism.

Latest example: The vast majority of perpetrators committing those infamous New Year’s Eve sex attacks were newly-arrived “migrants” from Morocco and Algeria, for instance. Rather than addressing this very real problem, German reality deniers prefer organizing protest rallies against racism instead. Needless to say, these are always well-covered by the media.

This kind of predictable, incoherent reaction makes me feel sometimes like I’m Donald Sutherland’s character in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Have the minds of these people been replaced while they sleep by copies of themselves having some weird, extraterrestrial and, in this case, irrational intelligence? Why are there so many of them acting this way? Is their number increasing? Are the body snatchers going to get me next? I’m going to lay off the sleep for a few months now just to play it safe.

Auch wenn jetzt alle davon reden, man dürfe nichts “unter den Teppich kehren”. Der so hochmoralische wie unehrliche Umgang mit der Flüchtlingsfrage droht uns um die Ohren zu fliegen.

The Recklinghausen Connection

No, not staring Gene Hackman. This thriller stars an asylum-seeker French police killed as he tried to storm a Paris police station last week.

Paris

This guy was registered at a German asylum center in the city of Recklinghausen, had a phone with a German SIM card and carried a paper on him in which he pledged allegiance to the leader of the Islamic State. He had also been registered under four different names in Germany.

I don’t think that’s fair. That a poor refugee gets welcomed to Germany four times like that, I mean. Then there are fewer welcomes left to go around for the next wave of folks that comes in. And the next, and the next…

Der Mann posierte in seiner nordrhein-westfälischen Flüchtlingsunterkunft mit einer IS-Fahne. Die Landesbehörden stuften ihn demnach als Verdachtsfall ein, doch im Dezember 2015 verschwand er spurlos aus Recklinghausen.

PS: There’s this German turn of speech I really like: Ich glaub ich bin im schlechten Film. That means I think I’m in a bad movie. I’ve been hearing it more and more these days, too, for some reason.

Dear Hollywood

It’s Christmas season so here’s my wish. I know your first and foremost priority is to bash everything time-honored and traditional about us (as in US). I understand and respect that (actually I don’t, that was just a figure of speech). But seeing what’s going on in the world at this moment I would really appreciate it if you could possibly consider bringing back one of your own time-honored genres: The wartime drama. You know, like Casablanca? You could refer to it as a wartime propaganda film if that makes you feel better about it, of course.

Casablanca

I would like this Casablanca to have a Muslim hero in it, however. A Muslim Rick, so-to-speak. The reason being that one of the obvious intentions of the ISIS attacks in France (coming to Germany soon!) is to incite hatred against the Muslims living here and to hopefully, from their point of view, have this hatred lead to some form of civil war in ze Europe.

This may have seemed far-fetched a short time ago but a thoughtful look at the current atmosphere in Germany, for instance, should convince you that this is well within the realm of the possible.

The Traumfabrik (dream factory) needs to give us a positive Muslim role model here, in other words. The “normal,” moderate Muslims living here need one erst recht (all the more). This Ric, too, will need to do the right thing and combat the evil that is terrorizing us all and explain to everyone how it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, of course.

I know you’re busy and all these days and I really hate to bother you (another figure of speech) but I’m just thinking out loud here.

PS: Scarlett Johansson would make a great Ingrid Bergman character. No head scarves or anything, though.

German Of The Day: Fack Ju Göhte 2

That of course means “Suck Me Shakespeer 2” in our language.

Fack

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

– William Shakespeare

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ve done my job.

– Woody Allen

German Of The Day: Erschlagen

That means to strike dead. But it can also mean to be overwhelmed by something. In this case, it will be the sheer number of Wim Wenders movies, retrospectives, documentaries, exhibitions, etc. that we will now be overwhelmed with (he’s turning 70 next week).

By the way, this place down here doesn’t exist anymore. At least not in this form.

Himmel

I’d wish him a happy birthday now but that is absolutely positively not done in Germany. Brings bad luck or something.

70 Things We Love About Wim Wenders 15. Wenders tried for a time to marry German “brood-brood” with American “just do it.” A beautiful child sprang from this union: “Paris, Texas.”

Sommerloch Tornado Coming This Way!

The German Sommerloch is famous for being the time for scary none-news news reports. It is also famous for being the time for reports about scary non-animal animals, too.

Sharknado

That is why everybody is all hot and bothered right now about that scary low front “Zeljko“ approching Germany as you read this. Many Sommerloch weather forecasters are worried that this could be the beginning of a real live Sommerloch tornado (ignore the fact that Germany doesn’t actually do tornados, please).

Others who prefer to remain anonymous are going to go even further out on the limb and are predicting that “Zeljko“ could turn into the dreaded Sommerloch Sharknado ITSELF!

Im ersten Teil bekämpfen sie die fliegenden Haie in Los Angeles, in Teil zwei in New York und in „Sharknado 3 – Oh Hell No!“ macht sich der Raubtier-Tornado über der gesamten Ostküste der USA breit.

German Film May Have Foreshadowed Hitler…

As claimed in the book “From Caligari to Hitler: A Psychological History of the German Film.” But no force in the universe could possibly have foreshadowed, much less foreseen this latest greatest new and refreshing delicious taste treat snack: Hitler Ice Cream.

Hitler Ice Cream

From India. I guess you had to have been there. To get it, I mean.

Hitler Ice Cream. Mad, I mean made like no other. This gives “you scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream” a whole new meaning.

The ice cream packaging has a photo of Hitler along with a Swastika-shaped top hat, which is somewhat at odds with his furious expression and full military paraphernalia.