Revolutionary Masses (Yearning To Be Seen)

October 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Banking, Berlin, Finance, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Occupy Berlin, Occupy Wall Street, Satire 1 Comment

Hampered by nice weather and apathetic compatriots who actually have to work for a living, a massive crowd of some 300 (three hundred) global democrats and worldwide social revolutionaries nevertheless managed to occupy the city of Berlin over the weekend again already.

Denouncing banking and financial industry practices and other unspeakable injustices of the new century – and possibly having been inspired by something called the “Occupy Wall Street” movement in New York (the weather there is less nice at the moment I’m told) – the German revolutionary masses doing the occupying this week were notably smaller than the already rather puny ones amassed at German protests a week ago, but still.

“Derweil will die OccupyBerlin-Bewegung nach eigenen Angaben ihre täglichen Mahnwachen vor dem Bundestag fortsetzen. Seit Sonntag vergangener Woche kämen zwischen 100 und 200 Teilnehmer.”

ROSAT Soon To Become ROASTSAT

October 21, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, ROSAT, Satellites, Satire, Science, Space Leave a comment

The defunct and smashingly successful 2.7-ton German ROSAT satellite will finally be making its fiery, uncontrolled and less than successful re-entry into our planet’s atmosphere sometime within the next 48 hours.

Important questions to answer here are (there is actually only one): What are the odds that a piece of ROASTSAT debris will hit someone?

Unless you are a German, the likelihood of getting injured as a result of ROASTSAT’s re-entry is extremely low. The probability of a non-German speaker somewhere on Earth getting hit is about 1 in 2,000. Those odds are for any one of the nearly 7 billion people (minus 80 million Germans) on the planet.

The odds that debris will hit you in particular — or your dog, say, unless he or she is a German Shepherd — are still just one in several trillion.

Experten warnen: Teleskop-Spiegel wird zur Bombe.

Dumb Broad Talking

October 19, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, History, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Hollywood, Humor, Ignorance, Nazis, Pope Benedict XVI, Satire, Susan Sarandon, The Pope 6 Comments

Or was it Dead Man Walking?

A favorite tactic of left-wing wanna-be moralists everywhere (and of those flashy Hollywood types in particular), fading actress-with-a-cause-but-I-forget-which-one-it-is-this-week Susan Sarandon successfully boosted relations with her public and her vaunted sense of self by tossing around Nazi analogies at Pope Benedict XVI over the weekend. The current Pope is German, you see. And old. Get it?

And being a good Catholic girl who played a well-known nun in a film called Dead Man Walking way back when in 1995, when Christ was a corporal, she certainly shows that she knows what she is not talking about (knows what she is not talking about?).

Some, however, believe that she might actually be “ignorant” of lots and lots of things, which can’t really be though, can it?

“No, the last one. Not this Susan Sarandon we have now.”

The Scam That Keeps On Giving

October 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Early Retirement, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hypochondria, Retirement, Satire, Scams, Shams 6 Comments

Word has clearly gotten out now. What used to be a Geheimtipp (insiders’ tip) has now become a full-fledged and nationally recognized Volkssport (national sport): Early retirement due to mental illness.

Up some 6,000 from the previous year, more and more Germans (71,000) are now being “forced” to retire early each and every year because they suffer from things like anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, multiple generalized anxiety disorder, mega ultra super mulitple generalized really really bad anxiety disorder and other such imaginary diseases.

In fact, being mental is now the number one main excuse used to have to go into “involuntary retirement” in Germany, with the average age of these hapless victims being 48, by the way.

Fear industry profiteers, I mean experts, are happy to report that the increased number of diagnosed cases is due to a greater willingness of sufferers to openly admit their problems, although none of these experts are able or willing to explain where this sudden willingness comes from.

Über das Thema werde jetzt “offener geredet und deshalb diagnostizieren Ärzte jetzt eher psychische Ursachen von Leiden.”

Nice Mellons, Mom

October 17, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Health, Higher Education Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Online Pornography, Pornography, Satire, Sex, Sex Education 3 Comments

Mother Knows Best (Father Knows Best got cancelled long ago)? Well it sure ain’t Leave It To Beaver we’re talking about here.

German sex experts (and there’s a whole bunch of those, let me tell you) think that parents’ porn fears are exaggerated and that online pornography is actually a wonderful and thoroughly wholesome way to change the way young people learn about sex.

Well hot diggity dog, it’s still changing mine and I’m as old as the hills.

Carl’s mother holds a PhD in cultural studies. She has done research on pornography herself and now writes erotic novels.

She explained to her son that he shouldn’t worry if his first girlfriend didn’t moan loudly during sex and that the actors in porn movies use lots of lubrication.

“My mother told me that the positions they do are all just for show.”

“I learned some things from porn,” Carl says, “like licking, for example.”

Germans Mobilizing For World Financial Revolution

October 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Financial crisis, Financial Industry, Frankfurt, Germans, Germany, Humor, Occupy Frankfurt, Occupy Wall Street, Satire 1 Comment

Man oh man is this country ever ripe for revolution again already.

Literally a dozen or two protesters took part in the “Occupy Frankfurt” campaign a week or two ago and some reports indicate that a few of them even stayed there to continue protesting overnight. And that was just the start of it, folks. There were surely even dozens more occupying Frankfurt during protests now being held against the ECB this weekend although I’m having trouble finding news reports covering them because most Frankfurters leave Frankfurt over the weekend, it seems, as nobody here really seems to care.

One has to stop for a minute and consider the dreadful conditions under which the German people have to live in order to really understand why “casino capitalism” opponents will soon be taking down the financial world as we know it (or at least the German one). Unemployment is drastically lower here than in the US, for instance (and the unemployment rate keeps on dropping), but still. Obama is still Mr. Clean over here and always will be (so he can’t be the ineffectual disappointment that many of his compatriots are now taking to the street about). And despite the fact that “the ECB is one of the most powerful democracy-free zones in the EU and has acted in accordance with the interests of the financial industry for years,” many a thinking German financial expert can’t understand “why the ECB, of all financial institutions, should be declared the root of all evil rather than, say, Deutsche Bank or the Frankfurt Stock Exchange.”

No matter. This revolution is another in a long line of historical necessities and it is time for all of us to prepare for the coming cataclysmic change. It will not be televised, however. The ratings are simply too low.

One other important element is lacking in Germany: disappointment over Barack Obama, the man many Americans had pinned their hopes on to improve their society.

Sauerbraten Is Hell

October 14, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Health, Home Cooking Tags: Afghanistan, Army, Berlin, Food Poisoning, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire 1 Comment

Don’t ever eat German food in northern Afghanistan.

Some 200 NATO soldiers got food poisoning after eating in a German canteen in the ISAF regional headquarters in Mazar-i-Sharif.

But don’t worry, everbody has recovered and “overall fighting strength was not affected” (for the better? – maybe you should worry).

Too bad the kitchen has already been disinfected and everything. They could have started offering this stuff to the Taliban.

Army scientists were still hunting for the source of the infection.

Legalistic Republic Deutschland

October 13, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Crime, Criminals, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Legalism, Satire, Spyware Leave a comment

Outraged Germans everywhere are demanding to know why the German state of Bavaria is admittedly using spyware in at least five investigations (all judicially approved) to gather evidence on suspected drug dealers, dopers, Internet criminals and fencing suspects.

“This is completely unacceptable,” one enraged civil liberties activist said. “What will this lead to next? The next thing you know they’ll be using programs like these to gather evidence on suspected rapists, child molesters, murderers and terrorists.”

Bei den Verfahren in München, Landshut, Nürnberg und Augsburg ging es um Doping, Drogen, Hehlerei und eine Bande von Internet-Betrügern, die geschätzt 80.000 bis 120.000 Menschen um eine Summe von insgesamt 10 bis 30 Millionen Euro geprellt haben soll.

Arson Attacks Disrupt Berlin’s Disrupted Rail Traffic

October 12, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Bombs, German, Germans, Germany, Hauptbahnhof, Humor, Leftist Terror, Satire, Terrorism, Weapons Exports 2 Comments

Sort of. With some 2000 trains now running late in Berlin after the discovery of seven homemade explosives along the city’s railways these past three days – and none of the passangers having noticed yet because trains are always late here – the leftist peacenik terrorist group responsible for the diabolical attacks has confirmed that it would have caused “like considerable way more damage and maybe even have managed to blow something up big time if any of the freakin’ trains to be attacked would have been on time like for once already.”

But still… “This morning we slowed down the German capital and its function as a global player in the export of armaments,” said a statement from the group released Monday on a leftist website.

Wake Me When The Revolution Is over

October 11, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Nuclear energy, Satire, The Greens 1 Comment

Der Spiegel itself is asking these days: Are we having a successful green energy plan yet?

Uh, let me think. Nope.

Why is it that whenever Germany’s Environment Minster “explains to foreign politicians that his highly industrialized country aims to decommission all of its nuclear power plants by 2022 and obtain at least 80 percent of its energy from renewable sources by 2050, he is only rarely met with utter denial — at least not among his fellow environment ministers?”

I’ll tell you why. It is either because a) they are in denial themselves or b) they are too polite to laugh in his face.

A Bad Beginning – Broken Promises – Unanswered Questions

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Satire