German Offshore Wind Farms More Deadly Than Fukushima

Nobody promised the Germans a rose garden when the so-called “energy turnaround” turned around the corner here last year.

So that’s why the three deaths and 80 serious accidents that have taken place so far while building Germany’s so badly needed offshore wind farms are being registered here with such stoic equanimity (or are being ignored altogether). Progress must march on or something. Keine Widerrede (no talking back)!

Do me a favor and wake me once this energy turnaround nonsense has finally turned around (as in over) and died itself.

Der Leiter des Havariekommandos in Cuxhaven, Hans-Werner Monsees, forderte gegenüber FOCUS ein „besseres und dichteres Rettungssystem“. Sonst drohe die Zahl der Toten und Schwerverletzten weiter zu steigen – in den nächsten Jahren werden bis zu 7000 Windräder vor der deutschen Küste installiert.

We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

And it’s all been downhill, if you ask me.

“A Munich disc jockey held for five hours as a sex slave by a 47-year-old German woman said on Monday he would press charges of sexual coercion and deprivation of freedom against a woman he had met just a few hours earlier in a local pub.”

So let me get this straight. The consenting man goes home with the consenting woman to, you know, consent and all that. And then this, uh, man, ends up calling the police to have them “rescue him” after she locked him inside her place, “hid the key and forced him to have repeated sex with her?”

This is beyond me. Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this? I don’t get grossed out easily but I think I’m about to barf.

“She was sex mad and there was no way out.”

Lots of Luck, Pal

He sure is an ambitious character, I’ll give him that much: Future German president Joachim Gauck “wants to rid Germany of angst.”

I’ll be the first to agree that what this nation needs is a good psychiatrist, but to actually rid Germany of angst?

That would be like ridding zebras of their stripes.

That would be like ridding muskrats of their musk.

That would be like ridding Americans of their apple pie.

No, no. I’ve just changed my mind. This not only can’t be done, I don’t believe it should even be tried. It would be immoral or something. And potentially dangerous. No, it would be absolutely positively dangerous. Let’s just let this sleeping, angst-ridden dog lie, el presidente.

Germany’s next president, wants to reinvigorate the nation with his passion for freedom and democracy. His emotional, at times unguarded rhetoric will liven up German politics — but could backfire if he isn’t careful.

Germans At Their Best

Together we are strong. Let’s turn into a pack of wulffs and kick him when he’s down (OK, wulffs, I mean wolves, don’t kick). Then we’ll kick him when he’s down and out. And then we’ll even kick him when he’s out (just out).

A Grand Tattoo? I thought there for a second that those soldiers were going to turn around, put him up against a wall and shoot him.

There is also a row over the music as President Wulff has requested four pieces, instead of the usual three.

Being A Pirate Sucks

I got your “aye me buckos” for you right here. Even the best-run running joke gets old after a while (or in this case the worst-run).

It turns out that too much transparancy leads to too much transparancy after all. That is: Finally being able to see that if you want to accomplish something in life (or even in politics, yuk), you’re going to have to work really, really, really hard for it.

Top pirate wench Marina Weisband quit first due to “health reasons” (she was clearly sick and tired of all this adolescent nonsense). Swashbuckling chairman of the Berlin pirate pack himself Gerhard Anger quit not long after that due to “the immense pressure” of having to actually get up every morning to go to work.

Like, life in the Internet was never like this. You can stick this reality bite crap back up to where the sun don’t shine, dude. A party “in tune with the Berlin vibe” is still a party. And every party has to come to an end sometime.

 „Ich ertrage diese emotionale Belastung nicht.”

Thriving, Struggling, Suffering

Although not necessarily in that order.

Germans are notorious pessimists, as you know. And they’re always bitching and moaning, especially when they don’t have anything to bitch and moan about. Take this latest Gallup survey, for instance:

“The 4 in 10 Germans who rated their lives highly enough to be considered “thriving” throughout 2011 was lower than in 2010.”

That could have been a whole lot worse, though. I’ve been living here so long that the first time I read that sentence I swear I was sure it read

“The 4 in 10 Germans who rated their lives highly enough to be considered “LIVING” throughout 2011 was lower than in 2010.”

Come on Germany, you’re giving me a complex. Go out there and live a little already!

In addition, the percentage of Germans who are “suffering” ticked up slightly in the fourth quarter of 2011, amid escalating economic turmoil in the eurozone.

Crisis, Doomsday And The End Of The World As We Know It

I don’t usually tend to panic when reading newspapers, but when German journalists start writing articles critical of the media’s “eternal ramblings about doomsday,” I get very nervous indeed. This is news, in other words, primarily because this isn’t news to me.

Evelyn Finger’s main concern here is the German obsession with “the” Krise (crisis) in general (crises plural) and the latest so-called Krise der Demokratie (crisis of Democracy) in particular.

“In the meantime (it started out long ago with “the oil crisis,” she believes) we have become all too accustomed to terms like education crisis, energy crisis, climate crisis and, most recently, financial crisis, debt crisis and euro crisis. We have all hoped that these crises would not prove to become any more threatening than they already are, especially since our linguistic capacity to express more crisis seems to have been exhausted: World financial crisis! But a new threatening term has been spooking the debates as of late: A crisis of Democracy. Is there really such a crisis or is the chatter about it the real problem?”

We all know the answer to that question, of course. She rightly finds this obsessive German Angslust (passion for fear) ridiculous and has no trouble exposing it for what it is; mindless, self-indulgent, neurotic nonsense. But I do wish she would have had the decency to have warned me first. I don’t like stumbling accross articles like this in German newspapers, articles that make sense by expressing something we used to call “common sense.” If I had wanted to read articles like that I wouldn’t have bought a German newspaper in the first place.

But thanks anyway, Evelyn. You may have shaken me up a bit, but I really do hope you have a pleasant week.

Das Wort Krise hatte seinen Schrecken schon fast verloren. Es klang in den letzten Monaten auch bei dramatischer Nachrichtenlage etwas schwach und durch häufigen Gebrauch abgenutzt.

It’s Us Against Them

Us as in US, I mean.

German authorities are trying to limit what the American tech companies can do, but the Silicon Valley giants are fighting back (the key word is American here, folks).

Give the Germans what they want, I say. But what DO they want, anyway (this is one of my favorite German schizophrenia thangs).

It’s worth noting that Facebook and Google are actually quite popular in the country — the BBC reported in September that “a quarter of the German population are active Facebook users and Google has 95% of the country’s search market.”

Dumbass Computer Gamers

As everybody out there knows… All this computer game nonsense (not to mention the violence) is dumbing down our kids and ravaging our European cultural identity (or at least yours).

“Scientists at the Berliner Berliner Charité medical school have made a surprising discovery: Moderate computer game players have a great deal more brain volume.”

Von wegen, Computerspiele machen dumm – Untersuchungen mit Magnetresonanztomografen ergaben, dass die Hirnstruktur von moderaten Computer-Spielern ausgeprägert ist.