And We Don’t Like Swabians Either

You already knew that Berlin’s Left had problems with all of those annoying, gentrifying foreign out-of-towners who won’t leave town. Now Ärger (resentment) has broken out with gentrifying German out-of-towners from Swabia (the region around Stuttgart in southwestern Germany) who won’t leave either.

Swabians go home!

More specifically, “native” Prenzlauer Berg Berliners of the poltically correct kind are pissed off these days about the confusion that reigns whenever they want to order their local breakfast buns in the morning (called Schrippen here). The upwardly mobile Swabians who now live here too prefer calling them by the name they use for them down south in their own neck of the woods: Wecken. And this is just plain wrong. Or something. And an issue. A German issue even. A classic German petty bourgeoisie issue even, even.

In fact, this German petty bourgeoisie issue has become such a German petty bourgeoisie issue that Bundestag Vice President Wolfgang Thierse (SPD) himself felt compelled to note in a recent newspaper interview that “I’m annoyed whenever I go to my local baker and find out that there are no more Schrippen for sale, only Wecken. In Berlin we say Schrippen – and the Swabians ought to get used to that.”

This would be funny except that he meant it. Which makes it funny after all, come to think of it. And I’m not even making this stuff up, people.

“Ich ärgere mich, wenn ich beim Bäcker erfahre, dass es keine Schrippen gibt, sondern Wecken. In Berlin sagt man Schrippen – daran könnten sich selbst Schwaben gewöhnen.”

Try And Stop Me

Some ideas are so unoriginal that they’re almost original. But only almost. That’s why it’s time for something completely different (not) and “Dinner for One, or the 90th Birthday” on New Year’s Eve – in Germany. Yet again.

Dinner for One

Happy New Year!

It’s a German New Year’s tradition – an English-language TV sketch that has been broadcast more often than any other program. It will be 50 years old in 2013.

1.4 Will Get You 5.5

Just in case you wondering about the virtues of stringent gun control laws in a country like Germany…

Gun

It turns out that there are 1.4 million Germans who legally own weapons. There are about 5.5 million weapons in circulation, however.

This is a so-called Widerspruch (contradiction), isn’t it? No German would/should own more than one weapon, (and one bullet) would/should he/she? I, for one, feel that German lawmakers should waste no time or effort in passing even more stringent gun control legislation immediately to well, uh, clear this Widerspruch up ASAP real pronto like already.

Die Deutschen haben rund 5,5 Millionen Waffen im Privatbesitz. Legale Besitzer gibt es aber nur 1,4 Millionen.

The New York Times Must Be Hurting Even More Than We Thought

Wow. Front page material even (online): Cindy aus Marzahn herself.

Cindy aus Marzahn

An overweight 6-foot-2-inch Valkyrie of a woman in a pink velour sweatsuit, Cindy plays up the worst stereotypes of Germany’s contemporary version of the welfare queen. She wakes up at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and begins drinking. Her dream man, Enrico, stands 4-foot-10, weighs 375 pounds and works as a bouncer.

Critics call her act offensive, lowbrow and worse, mixing high-minded attacks on her with patronizing depictions of her supposedly benighted fans.

“I have Alzheimer’s bulimia,” Cindy likes to say. “I eat everything in sight and then forget to throw up.”

More Godwin’s Law In Action

And it’s particularly popular with Germans, for some strange reason: “In other words, Godwin observed that, given enough time, in any online discussion—regardless of topic or scope—someone inevitably makes a comparison to Hitler or the Nazis.”

Hitler or what?

OK, technically this wasn’t online, but the latest unnecessary comparison to Hitler came from a certain Andreas Köhler, head of a German doctor lobby group here (die Kassenärztliche Bundesvereinigung).

“Julius Caesar, Charlemagne, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, Angela Merkel – the list of leaders is very long when it comes to those who have tried to unite Europe. And these attempts have always failed because no one can imagine living together in one and the same European house.”

Uh, is the doctor in?

Ein KBV-Sprecher sagte der dpa, aus der rein internen Feier seien Sätze ohne weiteren Zusammenhang nach außen gelangt.

Brilliant “Master Solution” Falling Apart

When “good guys” like the Deutsche Bank get raided after being suspected of incorrectly claiming some €211 million in tax rebates from the trade in carbon tax certificates, then it’s time to also suspect that the days of this nonsensical European emissions trading have finally reached their end.

Cap-and-trade

In case your were wondering: Emissions trading or cap-and-trade is a market-based approach used to control pollution by providing economic incentives for achieving reductions in the emissions of pollutants.  A central authority (usually a governmental body) sets a limit or cap on the amount of a pollutant that may be emitted. The limit or cap is allocated or sold to firms in the form of emissions permits which represent the right to emit or discharge a specific volume of the specified pollutant. Firms are required to hold a number of permits (or allowances or carbon credits) equivalent to their emissions. The total number of permits cannot exceed the cap, limiting total emissions to that level. Firms that need to increase their volume of emissions must buy permits from those who require fewer permits.

Well, it turns out that the European “carbon market” is now flooded and recent EU efforts to fix the system have only served to highlight how lame it is, yada, yada, yada, thus further eroding the price of a ton of carbon dioxide emissions permitted. Government intervention at its best again, in other words.

You know how that old saying goes: “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

EU-Klimakommissarin Connie Hedegaard will den Preisverfall der CO2-Zertifikate stoppen, der nach ihrer Meinung ein System unterminiert, das einst als Meisterlösung für die weltweite Klimaverschmutzung gepriesen wurde.

Peinlich, Peinlicher, Am Peinlichsten

Peinlich. You know, as in embarrassing or cringe-making? Berlin’s Tip Magazin has just announced this year’s winners for the city’s “Flop 100” Most Embarrassing Berliners and did a really thorough analysis, I find. The only difficult part was narrowing the short list down to 100 losers, it seems.

Wowereit in Aktion.

And no, it wasn’t really much of a contest when it came to selecting number one. The Überflieger (high-flyer – as in airport, get it?) himself, Mayor Klaus Wowereit, was never really in any serious danger of not coming out on bottom, although Pirate clown Johannes Ponader gave him a pretty good run for the money. And no, they won’t be receiving any, or any more than they have already.

Einen Ehrenplatz auf der Nummer 100 bekam Altplayboy Rolf Eden – der wäre vermutlich enttäuscht, wenn sein Name nicht in der Liste auftauchen würde.

I Got Your Demographics For You Right Here

No babies. And no immigrants, either.

Each year, the German government spends billions of euros in an effort to stop the country’s ticking demographic time bomb. By 2050, it is estimated that only 70 million people will be living in the country, down from today’s roughly 82 million. Without a major change in the birthrate or a mass influx of up to 24 million new immigrants, the population could soon begin shrinking, according to United Nations forecasts…

Birthrate this.

“…Germany underestimated the importance of a culture of welcome and overestimated the attractiveness as a country of immigration,” said Ulrich Kober of the Bertelsmann Foundation which commissioned the study released on Monday.

The country could pay a heavy price for its anti-immigration views as its older workforce dies out, concludes the Foundation. “Highly qualified people from non-EU countries actively avoid moving to Germany,” added Herr Kober.

German Security Officials Now Ready To Consider Introducing More McDonald’s Restaurants

After the German city of Bonn narrowly escaped a deadly bombing last week – and unable to locate the suspected radical Islamist perpetrators due to a lack of recorded surveillance images – German authorities are now ready to consider intensifying the use of CCTV surveillance in Germany by dramatically increasing the number of McDonald’s restaurants allowed to open for business here.

Achtung, baby!

“Violent criminals could be deterred and crimes and planned attacks more quickly cleared up with increased McDonald’s video technology in public spaces,” one Interior Ministry spokesman said. “I mean, like we’ve got to do something now, don’t we?”

The only surveillance images that could help the police in the hunt for the Bonn perpetrators come from the McDonald’s fast food chain. Unlike Deutsche Bahn, the McDonald’s restaurant on Platform 1 did record activity with its surveillance cameras.