Germany To Remain Germany

Attempting to calm current fears that Germany could possibly turn into France, Mexico or even Lithuania, German Líder Máximo Angela Merkel herself has assured her nervous countrymen that this will most definitely not be happening.

Merkel

Not any time soon, at least. “It is not being actively pursued at the moment,” she elucidated.

These irrational fears came about after the population discovered well over a million foreign residents living next door to them who seem to have suddenly materialized out of nowhere, fueling speculation by some that they could be from one of those three countries. “They don’t speak French very well, though,” said one member of the population when asked. “And nobody is wearing a sombrero. I’ve never been to Lithuania myself so maybe they’re like from there or something.”

“Change is not a bad thing — it is a necessary part of life,”

Berlin Is So Poor…

Poor? The city of Berlin is so poor that it can’t even afford the bullets for its policemen anymore.

Taser

Berlin’s plans to arm police patrols with taser guns would make it the first German state to implement extensive use of the electroshock weapon.

Makes good economic sense to me. Because then all they have to do is just hook them up to solar panels to recharge overnight.

Spätestens seitdem ein Beamter im Juni 2013 einen geistig verwirrten, bewaffneten Mann im Neptunbrunnen in Mitte erschoss, wird die politische Debatte um die Anschaffung der Taser geführt – auch und vor allem im Kontext des grotesk schlechten Zustands der Berliner Schießstände, an denen Polizisten den Einsatz ihrer Waffen in regelmäßigen Abständen trainieren müssen. In den vergangenen zwei Jahren hatten viele Beamte gar nicht mehr mit scharfer Munition üben, sondern lediglich ein Laser-Simulationsschießen als Ersatz absolvieren können.*

* That big long German sentence says, among other things, that Berlin cops don’t even have a decent firing range so they have to practice using laser simulation shooting.

The Dirty Dozen

The German army is shrinking fast. After a recent purge of right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists and now Islamists, the number of able combat soldiers the Bundeswehr keeps on hand to never actually use has dropped to a dangerously low level indeed. Below is a picture of the entire remaining German army in non-action.

Army

“This has gone far enough already,” said one disgruntled spokesman for the pitifully anemic somewhat military-like force. “If they ever make us kick out the common criminals and other unsavory types we won’t have anyone left to not go to war with at all.”

More than 60 Islamists are suspected of sneaking into the ranks of the Germany army to undergo military training and carry out attacks in the country, it has been reported.

German Of The Day: Stinkefinger

That means stinky finger. You know, as in the finger?

Stinky

SPD boss Sigmar Gabriel recently got some Sommerloch good press by doing what is generally considered to be a bad thing. Only he was flipping off neo-Nazis who were heckling him so that made it a good thing.

Getting in a little more mileage out of it, he has now said in an interview that his only regret is not having used two stinky fingers (no, not the peace sign, he means two hands).

“Ich habe nicht beide Hände benutzt.”

PS: A Sommerloch or summer hole is the “silly season” during summer vacation months typified by frivolous or unimportant news stories in the media.

Ex-Miss Germany Confirms Ex-Mister Germany Shot By Currently Reigning German Cops

An ex-Miss Germany friend of an el wacko former Mister Germany (who denies the existence of the Federal Republic of Germany) has confirmed that he was shot while being evicted from his home (a little place he calls “Primeval Nation”) during a police action in a town that goes by the name of Zeitz.

Mister

Adrian Ursache apparently had started a group of so-called “Reichsbürger”, or citizens of the Reich, who do not recognize the current government of the Federal Republic of Germany and therefore do not believe they should pay taxes or fines.

Up until the cops came to evict him Ursache apparently also refused to recognize the existence of German police weapons, too.

“Adrian war ehrlicherweise immer schon ein bisschen durchgeknallt*, aber dass es so eskaliert, macht uns sprachlos.”

* German of the day: Durchgeknallt. That means cuckoo.

What Germans Do In Their Free Time?

Free time

One popular thing these days is stockpiling food.

Arming themselves is another favorite pastime at the moment, too.

Losing confidence in the future is also big. But that’s always among the the top ten German free time activities anyway so, well, let’s move on (yeah, to the future).

Once they’re done with those they also enjoy window surfing (put that towel down first!), having fights about opening and closing windows and shaking their heads in disgust.

In surveys over the past 25 years, watching TV has been the unchallenged most popular pastime of the Germans. Through the introduction of TV sets in households in 1984, television consumption has continuously increased. This year, 97 percent of those polled by the “Hamburger Stiftung für Zukunftsfragen” said they watch the tube at least once a week – and that it is their favorite leisure activity.

173 Stations

And 166 of them are ugly as sin. That’s Berlin’s subway system for you, folks.

Station

But, hey. Beauty is in the eye of the Schwarzfahrer (“black rider” or fare dodger). So enjoy them already or something.

The city’s U-Bahn system also felt the impact of the Berlin Wall, which divided the city for nearly three decades. Many train lines pre-dated the Wall, so some of the West Berlin lines necessarily passed through East Berlin stations. These stations were closed and guarded, and became known as ghost stations. The guards were visible to the West Berlin passengers as the trains slowly moved through the dimly lit stations.  

Ninjas Not Allowed In School

I meant niqabs, of course (I always mix those two up for some reason).

Veil

A Muslim woman who had been accepted to night school in Osnabrück showed up for class wearing a niqab. When asked to remove it she refused and was subsequently expelled. She then went to court to fight the decision but didn’t bother to show up for a court appointment set to help clarify the matter. The court has now decided in favor of the school.

The whole thing is very schleierhaft, if you ask me. You know, “veiled in mystery?”

Eine Muslima, die an einem Osnabrücker Abendgymnasium mit einem Gesichtsschleier am Unterricht teilnehmen wollte, ist vor Gericht gescheitert.

PS: In a related story, you can now pick up pepper spray at one of Germany’s popular drugstore chains. Supply and demand and the invisible hand. Capitalism is a wonderful thing, folks.

Germans Pissed Off At Smiling Olympic Athletes

Who lose, I mean.

Sieg

The nerve or something. “The Hahner twins Lisa and Anna ended their Olympic marathon race more than 21 minutes behind the winner and more than 15 minutes on their best performance, in position 81 and 82. It looked as though they completed a fun run and not an Olympic race.”

You’re supposed to win, verdammt (dammit)! Stomp the opponent under your Nikes or whatever Olympic athletes wear at a time like this and NOT come across the finish line holding hands and, well, smiling. It’s attitudes like these that make the Olympics seem as if it were supposed to be some kind of an uplifting experience, symbolizing the joy of participating and sharing, a rare occasion when all of humanity comes together as one. You know, fantasy stuff like that.

You want some German of the day, ladies? How about Sieg? You make us Sieg to our stomachs just looking at you. Losers!

“Number 81 and 82 was definitely not what we had hoped for. Whether we are satisfied? No. But crossing the finish line was nevertheless one of our greatest sporting moments.”