Would Kilgore Trout Tell A Lie?

August 13, 2016 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Higher Education, Humor Tags: 99c, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Berlin, Book Sales, Deutsch, eBooks, German, iTunes, Jokes, Kilgore Trout, Language, Sales, Smashwords, Travel Leave a comment

It’s special ebook offer time again already, folks. Deal with it.

Dumb Deutsch: Absurd German Language Errors (auch für deutsche Leser geeignet)

Also at iTunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, etc. For a limited time only or something.

“Very funny book, relating dumb things people say while trying out their high school German. Laughing so hard at my normally quiet workplace I had tears in my eyes, my boss walked by and asked if I was OK. Oh yeah! She has a great sense of humor with an eye toward languages. Buy this book and laugh yourself silly!”

–Kilgore Trout

German Foreign Office Supports Trump

August 10, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Diplomats, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Politicians, Trump, US Presidential Election 1 Comment

Poor old Frank-Walter Steinmeier. He never was the sharpest knife in the, uh, cupboard. What is more, as Winston Churchill might have put it, “he is a sheep in sheep’s clothing.”

But worst of all are this guy’s instincts, or the lack of them. By coming out publicly and saying, as he just did, that the world is too complicated for characters like Trump (implying, of course, that only smart folks like Steinmeier HIMSELF are in the position to keep this complicated world of ours running so wonderfully as it is already) he assures that any American voter who hears this and is not quite sure about whether he or she wants to vote for Trump or not just got that much closer to deciding to do so.

„Die Welt ist wahnsinnig kompliziert. Sie braucht Politiker, die sich ihrer Verantwortung bewusst sind; die helfen, die Welt zu verbessern. Wir brauchen keine Anführer, die unsere Welt noch gefährlicher machen.“

German Of The Day: Butt and Fuchs

August 9, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Humor Tags: German, Germans, Hockey, Language, Olympics, Twitter Leave a comment

Butt is a short form for halibut (although in this case it’s just somebody’s name). Fuchs means fox. Not like anybody cares here.

Linus Butt and Florian Fuchs were part of a German team that destroyed their Canadian opponents 6-2 in a group stage fixture on Saturday in Rio de Janeiro.

Footage shows the two men standing standing with their backs to the camera during the game with the surnames on their shirts side-by-side.

But Twitter immediately reacted with one user, Kris Kristensen, posting the image along with the caption: ‘This one’s for the 12 year old in all of us.’

Poor But Sexy, But Poor

August 8, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Cities, Employment, Finances, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Money, Poverty Leave a comment

Those were the days. Berlin used to be just (arm aber sexy) poor but sexy.

Now Berlin is poor but sexy, but poor. At least when it comes to trying to earn a living here.

The German capital pulls down the per capita income for the entire country. According to Eurostat (the European statistics office), Germany’s gross national product (with an emphasis on gross) would climb 0.2 percent if they could just find a way to factor out losers like us here in Berlin.

Poor? Yo capital is so poor it can’t afford to pay attention.

Die Hauptstadt drückt auf das Pro-Kopf-Einkommen der gesamten Bundesrepublik: Das Bruttoinlandsprodukt je Einwohner würde um 0,2 Prozent steigen, wenn man Berlin und seine Einwohner ausklammert, wie das Institut der deutschen Wirtschaft (IW) auf Basis von Daten des Europäischen Statistikamtes Eurostat errechnete.

Half Of German Army Resigns

August 2, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, Combat, Conscientious Objectors, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Soldiers 1 Comment

Over 400 German soldiers have filed applications for resignation from the country’s armed forces, leaving the other half to fend for itself all on its own.

“Combat situations are often revelatory moments in which the risk of a soldier’s career – of killing or being killed is often realized for the first time and then experienced in its full scope,” said a Left party Bundeswehr expert when interviewed about the matter.

“That the German army doesn’t ever experience any combat situations like ever at all (as in NEVER) is the really mysterious thing behind all of this,” said another unnamed expert who wasn’t even being interviewed. Or even asked, for that matter. Nor will he ever be, as far as I can figure.

Seit Mitte 2014 wollten 62 Soldatinnen und 407 Soldaten aus Gewissensgründen entlassen werden.

Neanderthals Back In Germany

July 22, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, History, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Axes, German, Germans, Germany, ISIS, Islamic Terror, Knives, Neanderthal, Terror, Terrorists Leave a comment

Neanderthals once populated the entire European continent. Around 45,000 years ago, Homo neanderthalensis was the predominant human species in Europe. They reached their population peak right before their population rapidly declined and they eventually became extinct.

Or so it was thought until recently.

Precisely why this species will finally die out for good is still unclear. Perhaps it will be due to low genetic diversity, perhaps to the rise of Homo sapiens like the rest of us with real brains. This question will continue to occupy amateur scientists like myself for some time to come.

Does The BratWurst Bot Automatically Short-Change You, Too?

July 20, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Automation, Berlin, Bratwurst, BratWurst Bot, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Robotics, Robots 1 Comment

Like the guy at my Imbissbude (snack stand) always tries to do, I mean?

BratWurst Bot was built using a set of common parts run by a flexible, adaptive software package that can interact with members of the public. It’s based on a Universal Robots UR-10 arm equipped with Schunk PG-70 standard parallel gripper hand and a very standard pair of grill tongs. The bratwursts were conveyed from an ordinary tray to a regular gas grill before being plated and served.

Was This The Same Lady Who Threw Away Somebody Else’s “Installation” At Another Museum A Few Years Back?

July 17, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Art, Cleaning Ladies, Crossword Puzzles, German, Germans, Germany, Installations, Kunst Leave a comment

An elderly German woman was questioned by police after filling in blank spaces on a crossword puzzle that was being displayed as a work of art at a local museum.

The BBC reports that the 91-year-old woman used a ballpoint pen to write on the work of art titled “Reading-work-piece” by avant garde artist Arthur Koepcke during a senior citizens tour to Nuremberg’s Neues Museum.

If she thought it was rubbish, it means it was. Art should be understood by everyone — including cleaners.

Pokémon Go Away

July 14, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor Tags: Berlin, Clubs, Games, German, Germans, Germany, Pokémon, Pokémon Go 2 Comments

Pah-lease. And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Pokémon Go has officially arrived in Germany, and that means you’re going to be on the hunt for at least the next few days/months. But if you’re anything like us, you probably don’t want to give up partying to become a full-time trainer. Fortunately, if you live in Berlin, you can do both, as the city’s clubs have their own wild Pokémon types, gyms and PokéStops. Of course, some are better than others, and that’s why we went out into the field to check out which clubs in Berlin are best suited for the aspiring Pokémaster.

Germans Pulling For France In Tonight’s Semi-Final

July 7, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hysteria Tags: Euro 2016, Football, France, German, Germans, Germany, Soccer Leave a comment

That’s tonight’s France versus Germany match, folks.

“Of course there is more at stake than football. France is feeling its economic weakness and it must look on enviously as the whole of Europe becomes more German.”

“A victory over Germany would be far more than a game won. It would be an act of liberation… A strengthened France helps Europe and the Germans.”

“One heart says France has suffered enough, so many dead from terrorism, the economy is in decline, 10 percent unemployment. France needs some solace.”

I haven’t read otherwise so I’m going to go way out on the limb here and bet you that the French are pulling for France tonight, too.

Die Deutschen selbstbewusst, mit einer seit Langem bewährten Führung, erfolgsverwöhnt nach einschneidenden Reformen, die jetzt schon über ein Jahrzehnt zurückliegen. Also: Klinsmann gleich Schröder und Löw gleich Merkel. Die Franzosen hingegen verunsichert und krisenbelastet, mit einer seit vielen Jahren erfolglosen Führung ohne klare Linie. Ihr heutiger Trainer Didier Deschamps, wie Präsident François Hollande seit 2012 im Amt, wechselt so beständig die Systeme auf dem Platz wie sein Präsident die politische Taktik im Élysée-Palast.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Humor