Tag Archives: Jokes

Angela Merkel Now More Powerful Than Barack Obama?

November 5, 2015 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Like, duh. So is my Briefträger (mailman).

Merkel

Now for my money the real most powerful and toughestest muckahumma von Welt is Bad Vlad Putin HIMSELF.

Bad Vlad is so tough he eats his steak with a straw. You want power? This guy can ski up a mountain. He went skydiving once and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund. Vlad is so tough his cowboy boots are made of real cowboys. And yes, just in case you were wondering, he CAN talk about the fight club.

“Putin beweist weiterhin, dass er einer der wenigen Männer in der Welt ist, die mächtig genug sind, um zu tun, was sie wollen – und die damit durchkommen.”

PS: Before going to bed, the Boogeyman always checks his closet for Bad Vlad Putin first.

501 German Oddities For HOW Much?

October 10, 2015 By in Hard Facts, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

For only 99 cents? Why, that’s… 5.060606060606061 oddities per cent! A pretty high percentage of oddities there, I’d say. For the penny, I mean.

501 Oddities

And worth every penny, too. Just ask Marina. If you happen to know her, I mean:

“Hermann, thank you for your blog and books, I am hooked. I recently picked up 501 German Oddities and couldn’t stop laughing. I am German, but live in Boston with my husband, who is from the area and grew up here. We cracked up so many times and just had a blast reading your book. It was actually eye opening at times to the both of us and explained some “odd” behaviors of mine to him. Super grateful for the book and can’t wait to see more blog entries. All the best, Marina.”

Sale ends next week! So hurry or something.

PS: Also available at Smashwords, Apple, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Scribd, etc.

Greeks Apologize And To Pay Back All Debts Tomorrow

July 7, 2015 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

The nation of Greece said sorry to the European Union with a present of an enormous wooden horse.

Horse

Left outside the European Central Bank in the dead of night, the horse has now been moved into the ECB’s central lobby where it is proudly on display.

A gift tag attached to the horse, which is surprisingly light for its size and has small holes along the length of its body, suggested that it should be placed in the bank’s vaults overnight to avoid it being targeted by thieves…

Oddly, Greek representatives in Brussels have hinted that they may soon be in a position to settle their debts and have puzzled the French and German banks that hold their loans by asking if there is any discount for cash.

PS: Thanks for the link, A.K.

German Of The Day: Hand Over The Money Or I’ll Shoot!

July 3, 2015 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Greece

And here you thought that Germans didn’t have a sense of humor. Galgenhumor (gallows humor), OK, but humor all the same.

Public broadcaster ARD, in its Morgenmagazin breakfast show, lampooned the tit-for-tat battle that has ensued between German Finance Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble and Greek counterpart Yanis Varoufakis, 54, in a video clip based on the 2011 French film The Intouchables, depicting the unlikely friendship between a wealthy quadriplegic and his African carer. Schaeuble, 72, has been confined to a wheelchair since he was shot by a deranged man in 1990.

Accidents Do Happen

September 24, 2014 By in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

A German construction company has apologized to the city of Goslar after laying bricks in the shape of a swastika at a new shopping center there (this is the town that finally got up enough civil courage to revoke Adolf Hitler of his honorary citizenship last year, after all).

Swastika

The builders claim that the shape of the bricks was purely accidental but when trying to contact the particular worker responsible to ask him about some other shapes discovered at the shopping center (the Nazi party eagle, several pairs of SS bolts and a big “I Love Adolf” mosaic)  he could no longer be found for questioning.

“We have no leads, we are keeping our options open and investigating. We are speaking to the building firm responsible for the new footpath. They claim it was not deliberate but just an innocent mistake, and have already changed it.”

Dumb Deutsch

November 18, 2013 By in High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking Tags: , , , , , , , , 9 Comments

Dumb Deutsch, Absurd German Language Errors (auch für deutsche Leser geeignet). Apple, Barnes & Noble, Scribd, etc.

Amazon image

Have you ever ordered leather cheese? Have you ever told your cab driver that your hotel is located on One-Way Street? I doubt it. But English speakers trying to speak German say bizarre things like this all the time and I, for one, feel their pain. Acutely, even. They are speaking Dumb Deutsch. And they have no one else to blame but themselves.

The German language is complex, treacherous and terribly difficult to learn, you see. Dumb Deutsch, on the other hand, is relatively straightforward and can be learned in about fifteen minutes. This is the problem, of course. And here are some of the shocking results.

Please sit back and enjoy this short collection of bloodcurdling blunders, frightful faux pas and grisly gaffes, all in the Dumb Deutsch original. For the sake of fairness, a number of ridiculous errors Germans make when trying to speak English have also been included.

Bitte Beachten: Diese Sammlung von peinlichen Ausrutschern und haarsträubenden Fehltritten ist selbstverständlich auch für Deutsche Leser geeignet.

Germans Go Hoarse Yelling “Horse!” Now That Horse Is Main Course

February 19, 2013 By in Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

German officials sure know how to stirrup the emotions these days.

Horse

Whinny they gonna finally leave us alone?

They mustang out with the wrong people or something. They sure do have a lot of gaul. I think it would behoove them to try standing in good stead for once and keep calm because the mane thing is that we all still have enough meat to eat, regardless of the horse, I mean source, of course.

After all, horse meat is a stable diet you know.

And just for the record: Any pal of theirs is a palomino.

This gives Pferdiggerichte a whole new meaning.