Eurovision?

I think it’s time they changed the name of this thing to the Eurohallucination Song Contest.

Conchita

The Eurovision Song Contest, which played to a TV audience of more than 120 million Saturday, was won by bearded Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst.

Wurst said: “This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are — we are unity and we are unstoppable.”

“Diese Nacht widme ich allen, die an Frieden und Freiheit glauben. Wir sind eine Einheit”, schluchzte Wurst.

That Guy Down There Works For The Telekom

And it looks to me like they’re trying to save on energy these days or something.

Telekom

Hey, who needs the NSA when you’ve got the Telekom right here at home in your own backyard in Germany? Doing the wiretapping, I mean.

Hello? Hello out there! Where’s all the excitement about this? The Telekom just got a little more transparent and admitted that it taps 50,000 phone connections a year. It hands out information on a million IP addresses annually, too. No, not to the NSA. To certain German “state agencies” that wish to remain unnamed.

Well there is a big difference here, you know. The difference being, of course, that the Telekom “sticks to the rules” and no one here has any reason to doubt them because the Telekom would not lie to us, I mean you, and besides, Germans snooping on Germans in a country like Germany when not following the rules precisely and to the letter is absolutely unimaginable and thoroughly ausgeschlossen (impossible). Here, I mean.

Die Telekom ist verpflichtet, in bestimmten Fällen mit Behörden zusammenzuarbeiten. Wie viele Anfragen es jährlich gibt, erstaunt dann doch. Neben tausenden überwachten Telefonanschlüssen gibt die Telekom Daten zu fast einer Million IP-Adressen preis.

I’m The Stress

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

Stress

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

Stop Hurting Russia’s Feelings Already

Who would have expected that? The German Left Party itself (they used to be called the PDS or Partei der Stasi) has expressed grave concern over the EU’s aggressive stance toward the Soviet Union, I mean Vlad Putin’s democratic Russia.

Wagenknecht

Rosa Luxemburg, I mean Sahra Wagenknecht herself has sharply critisized European crisis management with regard to the Ukraine conflict, saying it consisted of “vile Russia bashing right out of the Cold War” and that the West is pursuing a vicious anti-Russian policy of exclusion and unniceness and rottenness and that everybody, those damned faschist Ukrainians included, should finally just leave our commrades, I mean Russian partners alone already.

May Day, May Day… Earth to Wagenknecht. Earth to Wagenknecht. Can you read me?

Das ist übles Russland-Bashing aus Kalter-Krieg-Zeiten.

Gerd Congratulates Vlad

No, wait. Or is it Vlad congratulating Gerd? At any rate, there sure is a whole lot of Schroeder-Putin schmoozing going on around here these days.

Gerd

Photos of Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schroeder sharing an embrace have caused the German government to quickly distance itself from the former Chancellor.

“He does not represent the German government,” a senior government official said when asked about the pictures of Mr Schroeder’s meeting with Mr Putin. “It should be clear to everyone that Mr Schroeder left active politics some time ago.”

Mitten in der Ukraine-Krise wird Altkanzler Gerhard Schröder geknipst, wie er den russischen Präsidenten Wladimir Putin herzlichst umarmt.

Eat More Rich People!

Germans should be ashamed of themselves. Again, I mean. The amount of personal wealth just keeps on rising here – another 79 billion this past quarter – and has reached yet another historic level. The Germans, it seems, have never been richer. And this, as we all know, is a bad thing.

Rich

Haven’t you people ever heard of Umverteilung (redistribution) over here? What do you need all that damned money for? It’s not like it’s yours or anything. Well it is but it isn’t, if you know what I’m sayin’. And who says it doesn’t stink? It stinks that you still have it. What you folks need is leadership like we have now been graced with in New York City itself. You’ve already got all the tax loopholes you’ll be needing so roll up your sleeves and let’s get this party started!

Im vierten Quartal 2013 wuchs das Vermögen der privaten Haushalte in Form von Bargeld, Wertpapieren, Bankeinlagen oder Ansprüchen gegenüber Versicherungen im Vergleich zum Vorquartal um rund 79 Milliarden Euro oder 1,6 Prozent auf den historischen Höchstwert von 5,15 Billionen Euro, teilte die Deutsche Bundesbank mit.

Germans Show So Much Understanding For Putin Russia It Hurts

It sure hurts to read some of this stuff, anyway.

Understanding

Dear Mr. President, you have called for an economic community from Lisbon to Vladivostok for almost four years. It would be the economic basis for the“common European home”. Ukraine could make a perfect bridge for future cooperation between your intended Eurasian Union and the European Union, not least in cultural terms. We are persuaded that the purpose of the massive influence of the USA is to prevent the Ukraine from becoming such a bridge. The forces which have prevailed in the European Commission are supporting the policy of the United States against Russia.

“The aggression against Russia always comes from the West, Germany should exercise restraint.”

Google Street View Time Travel To Offer Germans Blurred Out Views Of The Past

Google Maps Street View has released a revolutionary new “time travel” feature that will allow, among other things, German users the novel opportunity to “go back in time” and see how the blurred out images of their homes in the past compare to the blurred out images of their homes in the present.

Blur

Google spokesmen regret that time travel to blurred out images of homes in the future is not yet available but will certainly be introduced as soon as googly possible.

Aus Datenschutzgründen ist die neue Funktion in Deutschland nicht abrufbar.

I Just Knew That Oettinger Pils Would Win

Not Krombacher, not Bitburger, not Beck’s, not Warsteiner.

Bier

Oettinger Pils is Germany’s favorite beer.

Nope, I never heard of it either, but on “German Beer Day” anything can happen, I guess. Do they have to taste test those 5000 different brands of German beer, too?

Jahr für Jahr wird der Erlass des bayerischen Reinheitsgebotes aus dem Jahr 1516 gefeiert. Mittlerweile gibt es in Deutschland über 5000 verschiedene Biersorten. Der durchschnittliche Pro-Kopf-Konsum von Bier lag im vergangenen Jahr in Deutschland bei etwas über 100 Litern.

Easter Peace Marches So BORING These Days

Nearly a million peaceniks used to get together in Germany back in the 80s (against American Pershing missiles) but these days it’s hard just getting a couple hundred peace activists together over Easter.

Peace

There’s just nothing worth marching against anymore, I guess.

In fact the only excitement anybody could seem to whip at all this year was a call for action under the motto “Stop NATO and EU Wars!”

Trotz Ukraine-Krise wenig Zulauf bei Ostermärschen