“I’m smarter than Bill Gates”

January 20, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Crime, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Internet Crime, Kim Dotcom, Megaupload, Satire, The Internet 3 Comments

And I’m bigger, too (maybe bigger than two or three of them). But I’m in jail now, which isn’t all that smart, although it smarts my pride, which is at least as big as I am.

Hey, what’s a little copyright infringement, money laundering and racketeering on a massive scale these days? Ain’t no big deal, says German hacker millionaire/thief and self-proclaimed god Kim Dotcom (don’t ask, it’s an old German name or something). “You’ll never get me alive, coppers!” he also said, locking himself in his panic room. But then they got him after all. And now, if found guilty in the US of A, he could get up to 20 years in jail.

But that’s not the worst of it. After they arrested him they did the most worstest and awfulest thing you could ever do to a German ever: They impounded his cars.

Many of the cars had vanity licence plates, including a Rolls-Royce Phantom bearing “GOD”, an AMG Mercedes carrying “HACKER”, and another labelled “MAFIA”.

We Are Still More Equal Than The Rest Of You

January 19, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Corrupt Politicians, Corruption, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Money, Politicians, Satire Leave a comment

German lawmakers are like lawmakers everywhere else on the planet. At least when it comes to giving themselves raises, they are. They give themselves modest raises, of course, albeit at very regular intervals, and as quietly as humanly possible.

This time they’re giving themselves a ridiculously measly 500 euro a month raise, bringing the grand total up to a less than measly 10,700 euros per month.

Now that may seem like a lot to you, but it really isn’t. Ask any SPD man and he’ll tell you why: “Representatives cannot be compared to those in lower income brackets.”

Well there we have it. They have to be on equal footing with others out there with, uh, I dunno, lots of money? Otherwise they might be susceptible to corruption or something. And we (I mean you) don’t want that because in Germany, as you may know, there is no corruption. So shut up and pay up.

“Abgeordnete kann ich nicht vergleichen mit unteren Einkommensgruppen.”

The Three Percent Solution?

January 18, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Humor, Renewable energy, Satire, Solar energy, The Greens 3 Comments

Three percent. That’s how much solar energy contributes to Germany’s overall energy mix (now don’t go be a jerk and break it to the Germans that the sun doesn’t shine very much here).

But that doesn’t really matter because, jeepers, that measly three percent only costs consumers half of the total 17 billion euros they have to shell out for renewable energy here.

It’s the principle of the matter, you see. If the Germans left this solar energy stuff up to the free market (that means no subsidies), then solar power’s contribution would be even lower than three percent – at none of the cost – and just think about how ridiculous they would look then.

And (even) the Spiegel says: Solar Subsidy Sinkhole

Sinking Ships Can’t Stop Them

January 17, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Home Cooking Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Travel, Vacation Leave a comment

Ethiopian gunmen can’t stop them.

Germans just can’t stop going on vacation. It’s what they do.

And that’s why they win the Reiseweltmeisterpreis (World Champion Travellers Award) every year. It’s not a real award, of course, but Germans are always talking about it as if it were (and only a German would be interested in winning an award like that in the first place, come to think of it).

And in 2011, the German nation spent 60 billion euros (that’s billion with a b) on travel.

“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.”

Die Deutschen bleiben Reiseweltmeister. Über 60 Milliarden Euro gaben sie laut einer Studie 2011 für Reisen ins Ausland aus.

Berlin Fashion Weak

January 16, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, High Art, Humor Tags: Berlin, Berlin Fashion Week, Fashion, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Mode, Satire 5 Comments

Hell if I know if they’ll be presenting this elegant ensemble at this year’s freak, I mean show.

All I know is that German fashion (or any other kind of fashion, for that matter) is clearly way too deep for me.

Neben zahlreichen Messen, darunter die Premium am Gleisdreieck, bietet die Fashion Week viel Klatsch und Tratsch bei Empfängen und Partys.

Our Autobahns Don’t Stink

January 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Infrastructure, Renewable energy, Satire, The Greens Leave a comment

Remember how the Greens in Berlin shot themselves in the foot after elections last fall by sticking ever so stickily to sticky green principles by just saying no to a two-mile stretch of Berlin autobahn that everybody in town wanted but them?

It was a stellar performance in reality check checking and how not to form a coalition government with the SPD even though everyone seemed convinced up until then that the Greens were either going to take over the Berlin city goverment completely or at least play a major role as junior partner (neither happened).

Well surprise, surprise. Green shirt ideologues what’s upstairs have now just okayed a working paper calling for a more offensive and quite massive expansion of the German autobahn system in West Germany. This is not a sell-out of green principles, however, not that you were even thinking that.

Green autobahns, as you may know, are made of biodegradable concrete and recycled plastic ALDI shopping bags, constructed using environmentally friendly green technology (wind-, I mean hot air-powered) and progressive landscaping techniques which allow for low carbon tire prints, renewable eco-outhouse rest stop stops and an overal eco-friendly and very green if not rather high global environmental greenhouse impact.

Alles im grünen Bereich, wie immer.

As The Energy Turnaround Turns

January 8, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Alternative Energy, Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Green Jobs, Humor, Nuclear power, Satire, Solar Power, The Green Shirts 1 Comment

Now that the German Energiewende (energy turnaround) is here, tens of thousands of new green jobs have been created. Well, not quite yet actually. But it won’t be long now.

After all, once Berlin decided to permanently switch off the country’s eight oldest nuclear reactors and close the remaining ones still online by 2022, everyone here was absolutely ecstatic (at least those who didn’t work in the energy sector were). Sometimes you just have to give the people what they want, you know? And now they’ve got it. What they wanted, I mean

The same day the Energiewende was announced saw the first case in Germany of a solar panel manufacturer (Solon) announcing it was going into liquidation, threatening the loss of some 500 jobs. Then you had EON, Germany’s biggest power supplier, deciding to cut up to 11,000 jobs worldwide while its rival RWE shed 8,000. Then you had Solar Millennium. Then you had, oh I forget which one (there have been so many recently), solar something or something.

Hey, what’s a little job loss when it comes to the common green good (rhymes with Robin Hood)? These jobs are coming, people, sooner or later or maybe not even at all because, well, not even green jobs grow on trees.

Optimistic predictions that Germany’s decision to turn its back on nuclear energy will lead to the creation of hundreds of thousands of jobs in the renewable energy sector have met with scepticism.

And The Downbeat Goes On

January 1, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Berlin, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, New Year's Eve, Satire, The Euro Crisis Leave a comment

Yeah, Angie Merkel has a New Year’s hangover, too.

The German chancellor warns us, I mean you, that the year ahead will “undoubtedly” be harder than 2011.

Yeah, prost Neujahr to you, too, lady.

Some 22 percent of the (German poll) respondents expect the region to abandon the euro and return to national currencies while 90 percent said in response to a separate question that other euro member states would join Greece, Portugal and Ireland in needing aid.

Too Much Sun, Son

December 22, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Alternative Energy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green energy, Humor, Renewable energy, Satire, Solar energy, The Green Shirts, The Greens 1 Comment

Now if we could only learn to harness the power of falling solar energy company stocks…

Solar Millennium AG plunged by a record in Frankfurt trading after becoming the second publicly traded German solar company to file for insolvency.

Let’s face it, people: The sun and Germany just don’t mix.

Solar Millennium war ein grüner Börsenstar. Beim Solarkraftwerk-Hersteller klang immer alles nach Weltrettung, ständig ging es um die Zukunft der Menschheit. Seit Donnerstag ist das Unternehmen pleite und es wird klar: Viele hundert Millionen Euro sind weg. Es droht einer der größten Anlageskandale der Geschichte.

This Just In: Britain Distrusts Germany

December 20, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, History Tags: Berlin, Britain, EU, Euro Crisis, Europe, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, UK Leave a comment

Wow, talk about a news item.

This must be the scoop of the century. Are Woodward and Bernstein back? Did the CIA finally do something right? Where on earth do Spiegel journalists uncover such unexpected and volatile information?

Always remember, folks: If it’s not in the Spiegel, it didn’t happen.

“Welcome to the Fourth Reich”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Heconomy