German Of The Day: Das war knapp!

Meaning that was a close call.

Flughafen

For a moment there it almost appeared as if the city of Berlin might somehow actually manage to complete the construction of the Mother of All Politically Engineered Airport Absurdities by the end of 2017. But only for a moment. Whew. The more things don’t change, the more they stay the same.

Travelers are set to wait still longer for Berlin’s much-delayed new airport to open, as city media report that a provisional opening date in late 2017 is no longer achievable.

Niemand hat die Absicht, einen Flughafen zu errichten.*

*Nobody has the intention of building an airport. Get it? You know, like nobody had the intention of building a wall? The only difference is that they got that wall up in no time.

EU Demands 20% Steaming Crap Quota

Sorry. I meant streaming crap quota, of course. You know, when it comes to what Netflix and Amazon Prime is allowed to offer its customers here in Europe?

Film

That’s right. The European Commission is planning to introduce a quota ensuring that at least 20 percent of the content offered by Netflix and Amazon Prime are European productions. This “identity-building measure” is necessary, the commissioners say, in order to, well, build identity (the European Commission’s identity?) and of course to continue to protect films and series that nobody wants or intends to watch but to keep on subsidizing anyway (“culture” in ze Europe is regulated by unelected state bureaucrats who know better than you and are here to help you whether you want their help or not  and not by yucky old and vulgar supply and demand – just in case you were wondering).

“Wir halten 20 Prozent für sehr maßvoll.”

Germany Leading From Behind

While going in the wrong direction. With lots of wind in its face.

Energy

At one point this month renewable energy sources briefly supplied close to 90 percent of the power on Germany’s electric grid. But that doesn’t mean the world’s fourth-largest economy is close to being run on zero-carbon electricity. In fact, Germany is giving the rest of the world a lesson in just how much can go wrong when you try to reduce carbon emissions solely by installing lots of wind and solar.

After years of declines, Germany’s carbon emissions rose slightly in 2015, largely because the country produces more electricity than it needs. That’s happening because even if there are times when renewables can supply nearly all of the electricity on the grid, the variability of those sources forces Germany to keep other power plants running. And in Germany, which is phasing out its nuclear plants, those other plants primarily burn dirty coal.

Bayern Munich Wins DFB Cup For The 2,397th Time

What a surprise or something. And right here in Berlin, too. And that after another fascinating goalless finish in normal time. I got lucky, though. I only injured my forehead twice (slightly) nodding off during the match.

Hummels

Bayern management has already announced plans to celebrate the occasion by buying the next best Borussia Dortmund superstar money can buy. If there are still any left that they haven’t bought already, I mean. You know, the rich get richer and all that?

Während Bayerns Thomas Müller im Pokalfinale einfach “die Eier in die Hand” nimmt, versagen Borussia Dortmund im Elfmeterschießen die Nerven. Das nächste Titeltrauma veranlasst BVB-Coach Tuchel zu einem Feuerwerk der Selbstkritik – inklusive einer verbalen Abschieds-Ohrfeige für Mats Hummels.

Nazi Nuclear Bombs Found Underground Near Underground Nazi UFO Site

Near these, a Nazi gold train was also discovered. And the Amber Room. And the Loch Ness Monster.

Nazi

It too had been buried deep underground right next to the underground Nazi Time Tunnel device that helped Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan win World War II and occupy the dystopian alternative history-like America we all live in today, albeit in an underground fashion.

“Eventually, it will decompose, and we will have a second Chernobyl on our hands.”

Latest Cultural Exchange Takes Place

This time at Berlin’s Carneval of Cultures. Like, duh. Where else?

Culture

Police have detained three suspects after two teens were groped and robbed by a group of young men during Berlin’s “Karneval der Kulturen” festival. The assault was reminiscent of the New Year’s Eve attacks in Cologne.

Germans everywhere immediately began apologizing for not having first properly explained to these young men how sexual harassment, rape and robbery are not generally viewed as being socially acceptable in their country and then immediately sought to make amends for their shameful oversight by referring them to the German government’s latest $136,000 porn site specially designed for sex-starved refugees like themselves who are desperately trying to integrate with German women or anything else out there that moves.

Sex

Hmmm. They could have at least explained to that guy (I’m assuming here he’s the asylum-seeker) that the two of them are going to have to take the rest of their clothes off first.

The site is adorned with cartoon illustrations of various sex acts that are equally graphic and clinical. (Imagine the stick-figure man and woman on a public restroom sign pictured in virtually every conceivable sexual position.)

What Part Of Last Place Don’t You Understand?

I think I’m beginning to detect a pattern here. Didn’t Germany get last place at the Eurovision freak show last year, too?

Eurovision

And it’s not like the voting is ever politically motivated or anything, you guys. It’s strictly about the music. And that’s what makes this happening so, well, I dunno. Creepy?

But instead of seeing this last place as a badge of honor, it looks as though the Germans have hurt feelings about the results, yet again. So, in the end, I guess everybody wins after all, right?

Um das neue Punktesystem vollends zu begreifen, muss man vermutlich noch mindestens zwei Semester ESC-Wissenschaft studieren.

States Getting Safer All The Time

At least as far as Germany is concerned. Algeria, Morocco and Tunisia just got a whole lot safer than they were yesterday, for example.

Safe

How did this happen, you ask? It’s kind of like magic, I guess, but “safe countries of origin,” you see, are countries where asylum-seekers seeking asylum in Germany can be sent back to safely, in a safe manner. And this safes, I mean saves, Germany the trouble of having to deal with them.

The problem here being (and don’t tell anybody I told you this – it’s top secret or something) that most of the asylum seekers coming to Germany from these countries aren’t in need of asylum at all.

“A large number of people from the Maghreb states come to Germany for reasons that are not connected to asylum. The stay of such people must be ended quickly.”

Renewable Energy Actually Works In Germany

But only if it stays REALLY sunny and REALLY windy ALL the time. Like even at night.

Renewable

For those of us who live here, well… Let’s just say that they’re still working on that part.

Germany hit an incredible new high in renewable energy generation at the weekend – pushing power prices into the negative and allowing consumers to get paid to consume electricity.

At one point, the sunny and windy day weather propelling its solar plants and wind turbines supplied 87 percent of the power being consumed.

Meanwhile… Solarworld verdoppelt Verluste.