Lyrics Aren’t Everything

December 30, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Anthems, German, Germans, Germany, Hymns, Language, Lyrics, Migrants, Muslims, PEGIDA, Refugees, Song Leave a comment

Especially when you don’t have any.

A wordless song released by the anti-Islam group PEGIDA has knocked Adele off the top off the top of Amazon’s German downloads chart.

The song, Gemeinsam sind wir stark! or Together We Are Strong!, is being sold to raise funds for the protest movement, short for Patriotic Europeans Against the Islamisation of the Occident.

“Unfortunately, the product does not work,” Party-Idiot Patriot wrote. “I have repeatedly listened to the song with friends, but we are neither stronger nor more German.”

Speaking Of Explosions…

December 29, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Day of German Unity, Fireworks, Germans, Germany, Migrants, New Year's Eve, Refugees, Silvester 2 Comments

Germans typically turn their country into a war zone on New Year’s Eve, blowing the begeezus out of every small to medium-large object they can get their fingers on (fingers included) with big honking fireworks for hours and hours and hours on end. It’s just what they do.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon how you look at it), they are not “alone” this year and some communities are now banning setting off these fireworks near or on the grounds of the many refugee centers located in Germany now “out of concern about the psychological effects on refugees,” a lot of whom having come here from real war zones. As far as bad ideas from local government go, maybe this one isn’t that bad at all.

In der Ersten Verordnung zum Sprengstoffgesetz heißt es: “Das Abbrennen pyrotechnischer Gegenstände in unmittelbarer Nähe von Kirchen, Krankenhäusern, Kinder- und Altersheimen sowie Reet- und Fachwerkhäusern ist verboten.” Kommunen können darüber hinaus weitere Verbotsbereiche bestimmen.

This Guy Has The Darwin Award In The Bag

December 28, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Condoms, Darwin Award, Explosions, Explosives, Germans, Germany, Robberies 2 Comments

Man dies in Germany after blowing up condom machine: A man died on Christmas Day in Germany after he was hit in the head by a flying piece of metal from a condom machine that he and two accomplices blew up in an apparent robbery attempt, police said on Monday.

They didn’t give the names of the two accomplices but I’ll bet you a pack of Trojans they were Moe and Larry.

The Darwin Awards recognize individuals who have supposedly contributed to human evolution by selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization by their own actions.

Mit einem selbst gebauten Sprengsatz wollte das Trio wohl an die Einnahmen aus dem Gummi-Automaten kommen.

German Of The Day: Heulsuse

December 26, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: EU, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Immigration, Language, Migrants, Reem Sahwil, Refugees, Satire Leave a comment

A “howling Susie” is a crybaby here. You know, like that Palestinian refugee girl who just got granted a three-year residence permit for herself and her family for being one?

In a related story, hundreds of thousands of refugees all across Germany have suddenly broken out in a spontaneous public fit of sobbing, bawling and bewailing, the likes of which have never ever been seen or heard before in this country (Germans prefer to spontaneously moan, gripe, grumble and lament loudly in public).

Bei einer Veranstaltung mit Kanzlerin Angela Merkel (61, CDU) im Juli brach sie vor laufender Kamera in Tränen aus: Merkel hatte ihr erklärt, dass Deutschland Flüchtlinge zurückschicken müsse, wenn sie keinen Anspruch auf Bleiben hätten. Auch Reems Fall werde ganz normal geprüft und könne so enden.

Edumacated Germans To Smart Four So-So Media

December 22, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hysteria Tags: Education, Facebook, German, Germans, Germany, OECD, Social Media, Society, Studies, Twitter Leave a comment

You know, like Tweeter and all that stuff?

Uh oh. Just look at that chart. Yet another German Alleingang (solo action), or what?

Statistics show that unlike other industrial nations, more highly-educated Germans avoid social networks than people with little or no education.

“This mixture of protectionism and distaste for communication organized through the market economy makes the educated classes see the power of social media more as a threat than an opportunity.”

Mehr Bildung = weniger Social Media. Jedenfalls in Deutschland

Rejected Asylum Seeker Problem To Be Solved In No Time

December 21, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Asylum Seekers, EU, German, Germans, Germany, Immigration, Migrants, Refugees, Syria Leave a comment

In no geologic time, I mean.

Wow. “Germany reports doubling of deportation numbers 2015” to more than 18,000 rejected asylum seekers, the headline goes. So, in other words, take a chill pill and relax already everybody. At this rate the rest of those to be rejected – from the 1,000,000+++ that have arrived so far in Germany this year – ought to be back home again by Easter, thus reducing the number remaining to 1,000,000++ (that’s minus one +). From the 2015 number, I mean. Next year all bets are off, however.

In 2014, German authorities registered 10,884 deportations. This year, the number rose to 18,363 until the end of November, the interior ministry said.

We Always Knew This Guy Didn’t Have Any Balls

December 20, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, History Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Hitler, Songs, Testicles 2 Comments

Now it’s official.

Analysis of long-lost medical notes seems to confirm that Nazi leader suffered from cryptorchidism, or an undescended right testicle.

Schon seit über 70 Jahren halten sich die hartnäckigen Gerüchte, Adolf Hitler hätte nur einen Hoden gehabt. Britische Soldaten schmetterten im Zweiten Weltkrieg den Schmähgesang “Hilter has only got one ball” (zu deutsch: Hitler hat nur ein Ei).

German ISIS Terrorist Comes Clean, Has Face And Most Of Last Name Removed

December 18, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Hate, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Harry S., Homegrown Terrorism, ISIS, Syria, Terror Attacks, Terrorism, Terrorists Leave a comment

Harry S., after all, is more than just a witness to firing squads and decapitations. He also says that on several occasions, IS members tried to recruit volunteers for terrorist attacks in Germany. In the spring, just after he first arrived in Syria, he says that he and another Islamist from Bremen were asked if they could imagine perpetrating attacks in Germany. Later, when he was staying not far from Raqqa, the self-proclaimed Islamic State capital city, masked men drove up in a jeep. They too asked him if he was interested in bringing the jihad to his homeland. Harry S. says he told them that he wasn’t prepared to do so.

“Merkel, you dirty dog, We will take revenge.”

Germans Have Nothing To Fear But Angst Itself

December 17, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Angst, German, Germans, Germany, Polls, Psychology, Satire, Surveys Leave a comment

German Angstforscher (fear research specialists) at the GfK research institute in Nuremberg have determined that the majority of Germans polled are fearful about the coming year, up nearly double from last year’s survey.

This immediately made the Germans reading these results even more ängstlich (fearful), screwing up the survey for the 69th year running.

Researchers then tried calming everybody down again by explaining to them that these types of studies have certain weaknesses and should not be taken at face value. Many of the Germans they attempt to survey, for instance, suddenly break out in a wild panic and run away in terror before completing the questionnaires. So the numbers could actually be a lot worse or something, they said.

The poll, carried out by the German market research institute GfK on behalf of the Hamburg BAT Foundation for Future Studies, found that 55 percent of Germans are fearful about the coming year, up from 31 percent last year, and 28 percent in 2013.

“Donald Trump hätte auch bei uns gute Chancen.”

Hate Speech To Be Gone Within 24 Hours, Dumb Speech Remains Untouched

December 16, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Censorship, Facebook, Free speech, German, Germans, Germany, Google, Hate Speech, Political correctness, Racism, Refugees, Satire, Social Media, Twitter Leave a comment

In an international move of solidarity to promote goodness and niceness the world over for the betterment of the entire human race itself, the nations of Germany, Facebook Google and Twitter have agreed to end hate speech from their websites in our time or at least within 24 hours of its issue.

“This cuts right to the root of the whole hate thing,” a spokesman for the nation of Germany stressed. “As we have all learned through our years of experience in enforcing political correctness, merely using the proper terminology or “newspeak” is enough to alleviate the actual causes behind this improper way of thinking, I mean speaking. It’s like magic.”

Another spokesman assured the public that only hate speech will be targeted here and that all that other kinds of dumb, inane and annoying speech, the vast majority of speech that’s out there, will remain untouched.

“Wir dürfen den geistigen Brandstiftern nicht das Feld überlassen – weder auf der Straße noch im Netz.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Germans