Energiewende Update: German Solar Energy Production Still Not Working At Night

Or when it’s cloudy and gray and yucky outside (an estimated 359 days a year here). Wind energy does, however. But only when there is enough so-called Wind (wind) to go around.

Wind

German environmentally renewable scientists have now been informed, however, and once they figure out a way to keep it sunny and windy all day long this German energy turnaround thing is going to turn everything around for good.

Because Energiewende has been accompanied by a rapid move away from nuclear power following the Fukushima disaster Germany has had to make up its energy deficit by increasing its reliance on coal for the first time in years. German CO2 emissions have actually been rising over past three years.

Cocky German Soccer Team Loses To Australia

Still on an unnatural natural high after their nation’s recent World Cup championship victory over Argentina in Brazil, an overconfident team of German robots has lost miserably to Australia 5-1 in the RoboCup 2014 final.

Robocup

Congratulations to the Rockem Sockem Socceroos. Those many long nights in the lab really paid off.

“Unfortunately, during the final, after our goalie saved an attempt, he fell over and while trying to get back up and in position we conceded the only goal during the entire competition.”

To Spy Where No German Spy Has Ever Spied Before

Germany is commemorating the first anniversary of US spying revelations by announcing that its spies will now start doing bad things, too. You know, like spying on friendly intelligence agencies who spy on them?

Spy

It may take them some time to get going, however, as German intelligence agencies have never ever considered doing such an awful thing before and don’t have much practical experience in this nasty business. German intelligence agencies are more like German social intelligence agencies, you see. They are more adept at effectively negotiating complex social relationships and environments. In the cutthroat international spying community, I mean.

In Zukunft soll die Spionageabwehr auch befreundete Staaten einschließen: Nach Informationen von SZ, NDR und WDR hat sich die Bundesregierung dazu entschlossen, auch amerikanische und britische Geheimdienste auf deutschem Boden zu observieren.

Mystery Crater Discovered In Germany

As if the recent discovery of the mysterious mystery crater in the Yamal Peninsula of Siberia had not been mysterious enough…

Crater

German scientists have now discovered a giant, 50-square-mile mystery crater near Hambach, Germany, as well.

Hole

The German mystery crater appears to have been at one time filled with unimaginable amounts of something called “brown coal,” one of the dirtiest fuels on earth, until this dirty substance was removed by a mysterious machine some 30 stories tall to then be burned at mysterious German coal-burning power stations, which is the real mystery, of course, as Germany continues to insist that it is the world’s leader when it comes to the development of renewable energy sources – and they’re still digging.

Since the late 1970s, giant earth-moving machines have been digging what German environmentalists decry as “Europe’s biggest hole” at Hambach in the Lower Rhine basin.

German Word Of The Day: Meinungskartell

That means “opinion cartel” and was just created by ex-president Christian Wulff when referring to his dealings with Der Spiegel news mafia, I mean magazine.

Wulff

That’s the cool thing about German. You can just throw words together like that and make up new ones that everybody who speaks German immediately understands. And the thing that’s cool about that is that sometimes, like this time, the new creations hit the nail right on the head.

Der frühere Bundespräsident Christian Wulff hat eine Überarbeitung der Regularien des Presserats gefordert. Auswüchse in der Berichterstattung ließen sich so im Interesse des Ganzen strenger ahnden, sagte Wulff dem Nachrichtenmagazin “Der Spiegel”. Die Medien müssten sich immer wieder kritisch fragen, ob sie mit ihrer großen Macht auch verantwortungsvoll und korrekt umgingen.

Anti-Chancellor To Anti-Celebrate Her Anti-60th Birthday Tomorrow

And she’s been running the show here in Germany for about 40 of those sixty years too, I think. But don’t call her Anti, I mean Aunti. Her real name is Mutti.

Merkel

I’d wish you a happy birthday now, Frau Bundeskanzlerin, but Germans like you are very superstitious about doing that before the actual birthday takes place, so I won’t. But I’ll think it now anyway.

Das Talent der Angela Merkel, heraufziehende Chancen und Risiken zu erkennen und – ganz unabhängig von ihrer Überzeugung – opportun darauf zu reagieren, ist gut dokumentiert: beim nach Fukushima plötzlich betriebenen Atomausstieg, beim Ringen um Jean-Claude Juncker, als sie gleich mehrmals die Position wechselte, oder in der NSA-Affäre, in der sie zu Gunsten guter US-Beziehungen lange schwieg und auch angesichts der jüngsten Spionage-Skandale nur symbolisch handelt, um die Deutschen zu beruhigen.

Gerade die größten Erfolge der Kanzlerin bleiben bei einer derartigen Management-Methode unbesungen. Es sind jene Katastrophen, die nicht eingetreten sind, weil vorsichtiges, iteratives Agieren sie verhindert hat. Merkels größter Verdienst ist letztlich jene lang anhaltende Phase der Langeweile, an der Intellektuelle gerade wieder so lautstark leiden.

Germans Wrestling With Unresolvable Guilt After Annihilating Brazil

After a devastating 7-1 victory over Brazil, and with World Cup domination possibly just one small step around the corner, Germans everywhere have instinctively begun flagellating themselves with guilt and remorse in a futile attempt to come to grips with the responsibility they feel for the soccer atrocities committed in their name last night.

Soccer

“4-0 would have been enough,” a spokesman for the shamed German people said.

“This victory is too high,” another disturbed German tweeted. “Shame. Compassion for humiliated opponent. Quickly to bed.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel caught the mood with typical understatement. “I think it almost deserves the name ‘historic,” she said.

Security Sources?

International airports have been asked to expand their screening of passengers before flying to the United States after security sources have warned of possible new terror attacks.

Terror

Who might these security sources be? Certainly not the NSA, right?

Nach Angaben deutscher Sicherheitskreise stützten sich die US-Warnungen auf Informationen über eine verstärkte Kommunikation unter europäischen Rückkehrern aus Syrien, Afghanistan und Pakistan.