Our Autobahns Don’t Stink

January 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Infrastructure, Renewable energy, Satire, The Greens Leave a comment

Remember how the Greens in Berlin shot themselves in the foot after elections last fall by sticking ever so stickily to sticky green principles by just saying no to a two-mile stretch of Berlin autobahn that everybody in town wanted but them?

It was a stellar performance in reality check checking and how not to form a coalition government with the SPD even though everyone seemed convinced up until then that the Greens were either going to take over the Berlin city goverment completely or at least play a major role as junior partner (neither happened).

Well surprise, surprise. Green shirt ideologues what’s upstairs have now just okayed a working paper calling for a more offensive and quite massive expansion of the German autobahn system in West Germany. This is not a sell-out of green principles, however, not that you were even thinking that.

Green autobahns, as you may know, are made of biodegradable concrete and recycled plastic ALDI shopping bags, constructed using environmentally friendly green technology (wind-, I mean hot air-powered) and progressive landscaping techniques which allow for low carbon tire prints, renewable eco-outhouse rest stop stops and an overal eco-friendly and very green if not rather high global environmental greenhouse impact.

Alles im grünen Bereich, wie immer.

This Ain’t Iraq

January 13, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, History Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire, Soldiers, Troops 1 Comment

So we can’t pull out completely yet.

But it is time to remove another couple of brigades of American troops from German soil again.

It has long been clear that the US military was going to minimize its presence in Europe. On Thursday, new details emerged, with Washington planning to withdraw two brigades. At least one of those units will be pulled out of Germany.

Europe’s strategic importance for the US military looks to be dwindling.

PS: Speaking of violence… The military is violent, right? And the American military is the most violent of all , right? And we live in the most violent of times, right? Forget it. Everything you know is wrong. Violence is a myth.

Ich wulffe, du wulffst, er/sie/es wulfft…

January 12, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, Humor, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Christian Wulff, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Language, Politicians, Politics, Presidents, Satire 1 Comment

Not that anybody out there knows who the German President is or could really care less if they did, but a new German verb has just entered the language (in his honor?) referring to, well, referring to what, anyway?

The new German verb refers to the manner in which scandal-plagued President Christian Wulff has sought to manage revelations that he accepted a favourable home loan from a businessman, holidayed at the villas of the wealthy and left a threatening message for the editor of Bild newspaper.

It’s called wulffen and actually has two meanings (at least two), according to the director of the German Language Association in Dortmund. The first is to talk on and on unprompted. The second means to be evasive about a particular issue without actually telling a lie.

Damn. I really had no idea that politicians the world over have actually been wulffen with me the whole time.

“It means something in-between.”

Europeans Hurting Republican Feelings Again

January 10, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Employment, Europe, Europeans, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Working 2 Comments

The title reads: Greeks and Italians Work Harder Than Americans.

One common reaction to the European debt crisis has been to blame the victim: If only those Greeks/Italians would work harder, like us Americans/Germans, then they wouldn’t be in this pickle, the thinking goes.

Except it’s not, how do you say, true: Greeks and Italians actually work more than Americans and Germans.

As The Energy Turnaround Turns

January 8, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Alternative Energy, Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Green Jobs, Humor, Nuclear power, Satire, Solar Power, The Green Shirts 1 Comment

Now that the German Energiewende (energy turnaround) is here, tens of thousands of new green jobs have been created. Well, not quite yet actually. But it won’t be long now.

After all, once Berlin decided to permanently switch off the country’s eight oldest nuclear reactors and close the remaining ones still online by 2022, everyone here was absolutely ecstatic (at least those who didn’t work in the energy sector were). Sometimes you just have to give the people what they want, you know? And now they’ve got it. What they wanted, I mean

The same day the Energiewende was announced saw the first case in Germany of a solar panel manufacturer (Solon) announcing it was going into liquidation, threatening the loss of some 500 jobs. Then you had EON, Germany’s biggest power supplier, deciding to cut up to 11,000 jobs worldwide while its rival RWE shed 8,000. Then you had Solar Millennium. Then you had, oh I forget which one (there have been so many recently), solar something or something.

Hey, what’s a little job loss when it comes to the common green good (rhymes with Robin Hood)? These jobs are coming, people, sooner or later or maybe not even at all because, well, not even green jobs grow on trees.

Optimistic predictions that Germany’s decision to turn its back on nuclear energy will lead to the creation of hundreds of thousands of jobs in the renewable energy sector have met with scepticism.

We’ll Import Power From Anywhere

January 5, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Austria, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green energy, Humor, Nuclear power, Satire, The Green Shirts, Wind Energy Leave a comment

Even from Austria, if need be. And need there be.

“Missing power lines” are the cause behind the missing energy being missed in Southern Germany these days, we are told. That’s why Austria is being asked to help big buddy Germany out with a little “emergency energy,” pretty please.

But Austrians do this gladly, I think, because they know that if those missing German power lines weren’t missing than those missing power lines would be transporting tons of wonderful wind energy from the high German north to those energy-hungry factories in the south (and beyond to Austria?) where it’s missing at the moment, the energy. Like I said. Or so the theory.

The missing German nuclear power plants that were shut off after Fukushima (that’s in Japan) aren’t being missed by anybody here, though. Forget about them. It’s not the missing German nuclear power plants. It’s the missing power lines that are missing, I mean messing everything up around here.

Die Bundesnetzagentur hatte vor langfristigen Engpässen bei der Stromversorgung gewarnt. Die Versorgungssicherheit bleibe durch den Atomausstieg für eine Reihe von Jahren angespannt.

A Fistful Of Euros…

December 14, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Currency, Dollar, EU, Euro, Euro Crisis, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany 1 Comment

Won’t buy you what it used to.

Remember when the (place your favorite currency here) used to be worth something? I guess it’s the euro’s turn now. Hey, what goes up must come down, right? There must be something going on in the euro zone these days or something.

Die Gemeinschaftswährung sank am Mittwoch erstmals sei Mitte Januar unter die Marke von 1,30 Dollar. Am späten Nachmittag wurde der Euro bei 1,2988 Dollar gehandelt.

Bad Kanada, Bad!

December 13, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Activism, Berlin, Canada, Climate Change, German, Germans, Germany, Global warming, Kyoto, The Greens 5 Comments

Remember when Canada used to be one of the good countries (as seen from a German point of view)?

Well now those crazy canucks went and done it and have formally withdrawn from the Kyoto Protocol on climate change ITSELF, just like that, and just days after that cheesy last-minute el cheapo compromise on climate change in Durban that got German environmentalists over here (and everywhere else) all hot and bothered and globally warmed up and stuff. Sheesh.

And all for the love of money!? Why those no-good-dog-sledding-pill-pushing-maple-smokers. Can you imagine that? Is nothing sacred anymore? Since when has money made the world go around, people? Oh. That long, really? Damn.

So now even the Canadians are acting like, well, Americans. Talk about the wheels falling off your dog and pony show climate change bandwagen. What does this mean? Where do we not go from here? Like, other than Germany, who’s going to be next?

“Canada’s obligations under Kyoto would cost $13.6bn (10.3bn euros; £8.7bn): “That’s $1,600 from every Canadian family – that’s the Kyoto cost to Canadians, that was the legacy of an incompetent Liberal government.”

8000 Jobs For A Better World

December 4, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Nuclear power, The Greens Leave a comment

For a better dream world, I should say.

You know, for a better dream world without nuclear energy? Germany utility RWE plans to cut costs – and 8000 jobs – as it trys to come to grips with Germany’s decision to phase out nuclear power by 2022 – and then continue to import it´s nuclear power from France and others instead.

These 8000 jobs will just be the start of it, of course. But aller Anfang ist schwer, as the Germans say: The first step is the hardest. It will get a lot easier firing folks once “the movement” gains movement, I mean progresses.

The Color Of Money

November 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, The Green Shirts, The Greens, The State 1 Comment

We’re the Greens. You know, green like money (well it’s green back home)? And that’s what it’s going to cost you too, having voted for us like you did – and yet will (the Greens have become a Volkspartei or major party since Fukushima, remember?).

We only want to help you and we are only doing this for your own good, but in order to ecologically retrofit the German nation it will unfortunately be necessary for our subjects everywhere, green or not, to pay quite heavily through the nose.

It’s all about Umverteilung (redistribution – of other people’s money), as usual. And here at our party convention in Kiel we have come up with just a few of the ways with which this will soon be done:

The toll for trucks will be increased.
The company car privilege will be phased out.
Ecological taxation will be increased, loopholes will be closed.
The tax advantage for married couples will be phased out.
Reduced rate exceptions for the value added tax will be eliminated.
The top tax rate will be increased to 49% (beginning with 80,000 euros gross).
The flat rate withholding tax will be replaced with a progressive tax.
A capital levy on “the rich” will be introduced.
A capital tax will be introduced (replacing the capital levy on “the rich” after ten years).
A “financial market transaction tax” will be introduced.

Like we said, these are just a few modest suggestions for Vorspeise (an appetizer). Just wait until we are actually in power.

Qualität hat ihren Preis (everything comes at a price).

Viva la revolución verde!

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hard Facts