Big Obama Brother Says Chill Already

What’s all the excitement about with these NSA surveillance programs, Germany?

NSA

Your, I mean our president himself has ensured everyone everywhere that he has not become a Big Brother with eyes and ears throughout the world of online communications.

“You can’t have 100 percent security and then also have 100 percent privacy and zero inconvenience,” the Pres says. And that applies to you too, Germany. This is only for your own good, or something.

So take a chill pill already. If Obama is behind all of this then everything is fine, right? After all, you voted for him.

Es ist kein Geheimnis, dass die USA weltweit Kommunikation überwachen. Die Programme haben immer neue Namen, ob sie nun Echelon, Total Awareness oder TrailBlazer heißen. Aber ihr Ziel ist immer das gleiche: So viel wie möglich davon mitzubekommen, was Menschen miteinander reden. Nun ist es also Prism.

Ray Must Pay

Welfare fraud? In Germany? No way.

Ray

Way, Ray. Not even forest boys get a free lunch around here in poor but sexy but poor Berlin these days.

The city is sticking Ray with a 30,000 euro bill for all they did for him while he was doing all he could to them for about nine months back in 2011/2012. And they won’t remove that blindfold thingy there until he pays, either.

“Wir haben ihm Essen, Trinken und Kleidung gegeben und sogar einen Sprachkurs finanziert.”

German Women Regularly Beat The Scheiße Out Of German Men

As if the shocking sexual coercion German women force their male sex slaves to endure again and again and again wasn’t bad enough already (and it certainly must be), an even more shocking new study has revealed what many of us have suspected all along: German women also regularly subject their German men to vicious physical abuse of the most cruel and unusual kind.

Gewalt

One Betroffene (person concerned) reports: Hamburg. At first he thought that he would be able to overcome the problems with his girlfriend. This is what Jochen K. (the initial has been changed to protect the innocent) wrote in his diary after she hit him the first time in the face with her fist. He held her back and tried to calm her down. But the attack in the hallway was not to be the last one. His girlfriend turned violent again and again in the following years. She couldn’t come to grips with her problem. Today Jochen K. admits that he must have been crazy to think that he could have overcome this problem alone.

But just what is it that makes these crazy German bitches so violent? Many psychologists and law enforcement experts believe that these men-beating monsters are simply products of their environment and actually victims themselves, having been socialized in a system of matriarchy in which beatings of this nature are simply not taken seriously. These women beat their men because they can, in other words.

So what can YOU do about it, German men? Break the silence. That’s the first step. And then go out and seek help immediately. Preferably in a city far, far away where nobody could possibly know you. And please, whatever you do, never ever use your real name while getting help, not unless you absolutely positively have to. No, I take that back. Don’t even use it then.

“Wenn Männer sich als Opfer an die Polizei wenden, werden oftmals keine Verfahren eröffnet”, sagt K. “Ihnen wird nicht geglaubt.”

Kleinvieh Macht Auch Mist

Literally, “small animals make manure, too.” But of course this German idiom means more. What they’re really saying is “every little bit counts.”

Kleinwaffen

And the Süddeutsche Zeitung just found a whole bunch of manure when it brought out a report about German small arms sales. They hit an all-time high in 2012, at more than double the previous year’s sales.

And Germans are really concerned about this (not). Not at all, really. As a matter of fact, as far as I can tell, the only time Germans seem to get concerned about small arms is when one of those crazy Americans goes berserk and uses one to kill a bunch of innocent people again because there is simply not enough effective gun control legislation in that dang dern US-Amerika country of theirs. Legislation aimed at stopping small arms imports from Germany, I suppose they mean.

Exporting small weapons is a contentious issue as they are used to kill far more people than heavy weapons and major military equipment around the world. Amnesty International estimates that 1,000 people die each day from gunshot wounds inflicted by small arms. Owing to their size, they are also the hardest weapons to keep track of, and circulate with comparative ease in conflict zones.

Literally Hundreds Celebrate Bayern München’s Champions League Victory At The Brandenburg Gate Public Viewing Party Thingy Last Night

It was raining like Katzen and Hunde, after all. So what do you expect?

Public Viewing

And, oh yeah. Bayern München won.

Bayern Munich are the club Germans love to hate: There may be some unresolved psychological issues too. The first football chant every German child learns is the Freudian “Zieht den Bayern die Lederhosen aus”: “Pull down the Bavarians’ lederhosen”.

PS: “Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie.”

Drink Your Fracking Beer Already

Uh oh. Germans are suddenly worried about their Reinheitsgebot or “German Beer Purity Law” again. And Fracking, I mean.

Fracking

This has to do with the fact that fracking does not stick soley to the only ingredients that may be used in the production of beer: Water, barley and hops. As a matter of fact, I don’t even think that fracking uses barley and hops at all.

I’m interested in tradition, too, of course. But let’s face it, if you’re going to start quoting a 500-year-old “purity law,” quote it right: The law also set the price of beer at 1-2 Pfennig per Maß.

The Brauer-Bund beer association is worried that fracking for shale gas, which involves pumping water and chemicals at high pressure into the ground, could pollute water used for brewing and break a 500-year-old industry rule on water purity.

“Das Reinheitsgebot darf nicht beeinträchtigt werden. Es müssen alle Maßnahmen ergriffen werden, damit das Brauwasser geschützt wird.”

German Police And Practically Everybody Else Brutalizing Justin Biebers Ex-Monkey

Well I hope you’re satisfied now, Mr. Justin Bieber. Less than 48 hours after being granted German citizenship, Mally the Monkey is now being systematically abused by any German who can get his or her hands or ape hook thingy on him. They feel there are enough Affen (apes or ape-like people) in the country already, you see.

Monkey

Actually, Germans have a thing with/for Affen. Berlin is full of them, for instance (Peter Fox – Schwarz zu Blau).

The 19-year-old singer has had a string of curious incidents this year: he fainted backstage at a London show, threatened a photographer, and wrote in the Anne Frank House museum’s guestbook that he hoped the teen Holocaust victim “would have been a belieber.” Drugs and a stun gun were also found on a tour bus he had used in Sweden. Earlier this month, Bieber was grabbed by a fan onstage during a concert in Dubai, and thieves in South Africa swiped $330,000 from a safe room in the Johannesburg stadium where he was performing.

Germany’s Crappy Eurovision Song Not Given The Votes It Deserved

Denmark’s Loreen and 19 others sang crappy songs that took in way more votes.

Eurovision

Böse Zungen (malicious tongues) have even suggested that Germany’s crappy Eurovision showing last night might not be entirely the fault of its crappy Cascada entry.

“We are in a difficult situation,” Thomas Schreiber from the ARD TV über-network said. “This is clearly a political situation.”

It wasn’t like Angela Merkel was singing (she might have actually won), but “you also have to see that it wasn’t just Cascada up there, Germany was on stage, too.”

Der ARD-Unterhaltungschef deutet ein Imageproblem in Europa an: “Da stand auch Deutschland auf der Bühne.”

PS: It wasn’t all bad news for Germany this weekend, however. Justin Bieber’s monkey will now become a German citizen.

Euro Hawk Actually Euro Turkey

Just when Germans thought that they could own a drone of their own, one of those fancy European-made Euro Hawk drone type drones, somebody finally did the math and figured out that the 508 million euros already spent for the prototype had already been more than enough already.

Drone

Now Germany is in talks with Israel on buying something called a Heron TP drone instead. I assume that the TP stands for Total Preiswert (totally inexpensive) and this is definitely the way to go because if you absolutely positively have to own killing machines that you will never ever use in a million years anyway, cheapness is what you want.

Berlin sucht den Drohnen-Depp!​

Barbie Must Die

And the “Barbie Dreamhouse Experience” must be wiped from our collective memory. And said dreamhouse must be razed to the ground, too. This is because Barbie is a clear and present danger and a real threat. At least here in Berlin it is.

Barbie

And as far as I can tell, these are the German feministic reasons for this:

Everything is pink. Barbie and her Dreamhouse are a “pink-colored, sparkling world of beautiful illusion.”

There is an “endless” closet, cupcake baking kitchen, fashion runway and pop-star karaoke stage” inside (OK, I’m with them when it comes to this part).

The Dreamhouse gives “children the chance to taste the sweet nectar of life as a doll” and the protestors don’t like “pretty propaganda” like this.

They find it unfair that “not many women have the possibility of creating such a life for themselves.”

They think that Barbie is a role model that makes young girls want to “always look good, and to cook and clean.”

Barbie and her Dreamhouse “lead to eating disorders,” too.

And on and on and on. The head feminist, Michael Koschitzki, a member of the far-left Left Party’s youth organization, has spearheaded the protest movement against the Dreamhouse, printing thousands of flyers and calling on fellow feminists to gather outside for speeches and protest outside the temporary attraction on Thursday.

I’m speechless, almost. And I’m not making any of this stuff up, either. And these aren’t little girls cranking out this nonsense. These are real live feminist grownup human beings openly calling to picket a Barbie house, albeit a “Barbie Dreamhouse Experience” kind of house, but still. And the worst part of all this? The Barbie Dreamhouse Experience will be charging adults €15 just to get in.

“Barbie has again become a tool for some to advance their own agenda.”