Sensational Survey Shocker: Germans Pessimistic About The Future

Holy freakin’ Scheiße. Talk about coming out of left field.

Germans

A survey by the Allensbach Opinion Research Center has just discovered that Germans living in comfortable circumstances and aged between 39 and 59 are – now get this – really pessimistic about the future.

Boy oh boy do I ever hope that they (whoever they are) paid these opinion research center people one big pile of money because you can be absolutely certain that absolutely no one over here saw that one coming.*

Schwindender Optimismus, Sorge und Ängste trotz guter persönlicher Lebenslage und wirtschaftlicher Situation? Die Mehrheit der Deutschen zwischen 30 und 59 Jahren ist laut Analyse des Meinungsforschungsinstitutes Allensbach zwar materiell zufrieden, blickt dennoch eher pessimistisch in die Zukunft.

* I would have given them that data for half of whatever it was they paid them. I’m just sayin’.

Sharia Police

Sounds like it would make a good cop show to me.

Sharia Police

I know. To give the German version an interesting twist they ought to name the main cop dude something bizarre like, I dunno, Sven or something.

An Islamist preacher suspected of leading self-styled “Sharia police” patrols in a German city is going on trial in Duesseldorf.

In 2014, Mr Lau is said to have led a group of men wearing high-visibility vests emblazoned with “Sharia police” on patrols in Wuppertal, western Germany in a bid to enforce their ultra-conservative interpretation of Islam.

The Migrantania Is Unsinkable

And maiden voyage or not, the captain has vowed to stay on course no matter what. Full speed ahead, too.

Migrantania

Hey, what’s that pointy thing sticking out of the water up there ahead of us?

A day after voters in Chancellor Angela Merkel’s political home state delivered what amounted to a strong rejection of her refugee policy, the German leader acknowledged on Monday that she was “very dissatisfied” with the result but insisted that she would stick with her chosen course.

Big Anti-AfD Mass Rally Held In Berlin

Only without the masses. That’s strange. As we all know, or at least told time and time again, the “Alternative for Germany” AfD party is a serious threat to “all those who don’t fit into its view of the world” and must be stopped at all costs or something. So why didn’t anybody show up at the mass rally held against them yesterday in Berlin?

AfD

Maybe those telling as these things (the established parties and the established media outlets) don’t fit into the view of the German voter’s world anymore. Gee. I wonder how the regional election in Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania is going to go today?

The event, which was held in Berlin on September 3, managed to only attract 2,500 people, according to police sources. The organizers of the rally had expected around 10,000 demonstrators and said their count was 6,000 attendees.

Working Germans Totally Inefficient These Days

Whereas the number of working Germans who put in a 48-hour workweek back in 1995 was 1.3 million, some 1.7 48-hour workweek Germans are needed today to get the same amount of work done. Or so I assume…

Working

Was für Luschen. What a bunch of duds.

Während 1995 etwa sechs Millionen Beschäftigte regelmäßig am Samstag oder Sonntag gearbeitet haben, waren es im vergangenen Jahr bereits 8,8 Millionen und damit jeder vierte Beschäftigte.

Germany To Remain Germany

Attempting to calm current fears that Germany could possibly turn into France, Mexico or even Lithuania, German Líder Máximo Angela Merkel herself has assured her nervous countrymen that this will most definitely not be happening.

Merkel

Not any time soon, at least. “It is not being actively pursued at the moment,” she elucidated.

These irrational fears came about after the population discovered well over a million foreign residents living next door to them who seem to have suddenly materialized out of nowhere, fueling speculation by some that they could be from one of those three countries. “They don’t speak French very well, though,” said one member of the population when asked. “And nobody is wearing a sombrero. I’ve never been to Lithuania myself so maybe they’re like from there or something.”

“Change is not a bad thing — it is a necessary part of life,”

Berlin Is So Poor…

Poor? The city of Berlin is so poor that it can’t even afford the bullets for its policemen anymore.

Taser

Berlin’s plans to arm police patrols with taser guns would make it the first German state to implement extensive use of the electroshock weapon.

Makes good economic sense to me. Because then all they have to do is just hook them up to solar panels to recharge overnight.

Spätestens seitdem ein Beamter im Juni 2013 einen geistig verwirrten, bewaffneten Mann im Neptunbrunnen in Mitte erschoss, wird die politische Debatte um die Anschaffung der Taser geführt – auch und vor allem im Kontext des grotesk schlechten Zustands der Berliner Schießstände, an denen Polizisten den Einsatz ihrer Waffen in regelmäßigen Abständen trainieren müssen. In den vergangenen zwei Jahren hatten viele Beamte gar nicht mehr mit scharfer Munition üben, sondern lediglich ein Laser-Simulationsschießen als Ersatz absolvieren können.*

* That big long German sentence says, among other things, that Berlin cops don’t even have a decent firing range so they have to practice using laser simulation shooting.

The Dirty Dozen

The German army is shrinking fast. After a recent purge of right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists and now Islamists, the number of able combat soldiers the Bundeswehr keeps on hand to never actually use has dropped to a dangerously low level indeed. Below is a picture of the entire remaining German army in non-action.

Army

“This has gone far enough already,” said one disgruntled spokesman for the pitifully anemic somewhat military-like force. “If they ever make us kick out the common criminals and other unsavory types we won’t have anyone left to not go to war with at all.”

More than 60 Islamists are suspected of sneaking into the ranks of the Germany army to undergo military training and carry out attacks in the country, it has been reported.

Failed City-State

Take your pick it’s both.

Poor

Other than “poverty, unemployment, poor infrastructure, a floundering education system, debt, the refugee crisis and crime,” and a dozen or two other things nobody wants to address right now, Berlin is a great place to live.

Jeder fünfte Berliner ist einem Zeitungsbericht zufolge arm und verfügt monatlich höchstens über 841 Euro.

German Of The Day: Stinkefinger

That means stinky finger. You know, as in the finger?

Stinky

SPD boss Sigmar Gabriel recently got some Sommerloch good press by doing what is generally considered to be a bad thing. Only he was flipping off neo-Nazis who were heckling him so that made it a good thing.

Getting in a little more mileage out of it, he has now said in an interview that his only regret is not having used two stinky fingers (no, not the peace sign, he means two hands).

“Ich habe nicht beide Hände benutzt.”

PS: A Sommerloch or summer hole is the “silly season” during summer vacation months typified by frivolous or unimportant news stories in the media.