A Secret German Laboratory?

April 18, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Hi-tech, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Apple, Apple Car, Automobiles, Berlin, Cars, German, Germans, Germany, iCar, Think Tanks 1 Comment

An “underground” research facility run by an elite staff of sinister scientist specialist types? Right here in the heart of Berlin?

Damn. Sounds pretty creepy to me. And I think I even saw that one once, too. Didn’t you? Wasn’t that the one with Michael Caine in it?

Apple could be developing the Apple Car in a secret Berlin lab, according to a report from Frankfurter Allgemeine. The German publication said on Monday that it had “learned from informed sources that Apple is running a secret laboratory for the development of an automobile — and this in the middle of Berlin.”

Wie deutsch wird das Apple-Auto? Eine Denkfabrik aus 20 Branchenexperten soll in Berlin an einem Geschäftsmodell für das iCar arbeiten. Die Pläne sind angeblich schon sehr konkret.

Germans Don’t Need Foreign Leaders Telling Them How Far Free Speech Can Go

April 12, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Boehmermann, Comedy, Erdogan, Free speech, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Journalism, Satire, Turkey 3 Comments

They have there own leaders to do that.

It is illegal under Section 103 of Germany’s criminal code to insult foreign leaders, you see.

So that is why German officials are now “carefully reviewing” the Turkish government’s request to have criminal proceedings be brought against German comedian Jan Boehmermann over his satirical poem suggesting that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan engages in sexual acts with goats.

Wait a minute. Shouldn’t the goats be the insulted ones here? Hardy, har, har. Just joking. Honest, man.

Dass beleidigende Äußerungen hingegen überhaupt strafbar sind, versteht sich keinesfalls von selbst – in Ländern mit angloamerikanischer Rechtsordnung sind sie es ganz überwiegend nicht.

German Soldiers To Put Even More Blitz In Blitzkrieg

April 11, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, Defense, German, Germans, Germany, Military, Overtime, War 1 Comment

They have to. No more overtime will be allowed during regular wartime hours so get ‘er done quick, men. I mean persons.

The German military, once the most feared fighting force in Europe, is being forced to lay down its weapons by restrictive new overtime limits.

German soldiers taking part in a four-week Nato exercise in Norway earlier this year had to leave after just 12 days because they had gone over their overtime limits, it has emerged…

Under the latest reforms, in force since January, the military working week has been reduced to 41 hours and troops can no longer be paid for working overtime.

Stell dir vor, es ist Krieg, und die Bundeswehr muss Überstunden abbauen.

Bomb Actually Sex Toy

April 7, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hysteria Tags: Bombs, Gambling, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Police, Sex Toys, Terror 3 Comments

So like, it doesn’t even qualify as a sex bomb?

German police called to the scene of a suspected bomb could breathe a sigh of relief when the feared explosive device turned out to be a sex toy…

Three explosives experts of the Office of Criminal Investigation in the state of Saxony-Anhalt were called in to defuse the ‘bomb’

However, when the bomb squad examined the bin, they found that the explosive device was in fact a battery-powered vibrating penis ring.

Two men in the squad, Dick und Doof, answered the ring, saying “Hallo? Hallo?” but were unfortunately unable to determine just who had placed the call.

Aus Sorge vor einem Sprengsatz evakuierte die Polizei die Spielothek sowie umliegende Geschäfte, brachte etwa 90 Menschen in Sicherheit und sperrte eine Straße.

Speaking Of State Control…

April 6, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: German, Germans, Germany, GEZ, Language, Nanny State, Patermalism, Prison, State Control, Taxation, Television Leave a comment

There may not be any punishment here for producing awful television shows but if YOU get sassy and don’t pay your GEZ TV tax (or “mandatory fee,” as the tax collectors prefer to call it) you can go to jail.

I’m not making this up. All German households must shell out 17.50 euros ($20) a month to watch great entertainment like Traumshiff, Lindenstrasse and Tatort, Tatort, Tatort as well as be submitted to propagandistic-indoctrination-like nightly news programs à la the Tagesschau by those good old fashioned unelected and nameless state TV official folks over there at the ARD and the ZDF (exhale now). Or else.

A woman was freed from prison after a court in Chemnitz had admitted that they had kept her in custody for 61 days because of her refusal to pay the GEZ fees.

Regional state broadcaster MDR applied for an arrest warrant against Sieglinde Baumert in September 2015 in an attempt to force her to sign a statement about her assets, which she refused because, as she told “Die Welt” newspaper, “With my signature I would confirm the legality of the mandatory fees.”

“I feel patronized, I get the decision taken away from me about what I’m paying my money for.”

Yoga Spend The Rest Of Your Life In Prison

April 4, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Crime, German, Germans, Germany, Jail, Prisoners, Prisons, Punishment, Yoga 3 Comments

Or at least a year or two of your life, if it’s a German prison. Maybe longer, even. But only if they keep you in for good behavior.

Talk about your shocking, sickening and thoroughly unacceptable prison conditions.

The inmate conditions found at Heidering Prison about 20 miles south of Berlin, Germany would shock most Americans. The prison is surrounded by fences, not walls. The hallways are filled with light and inspiring views of the countryside beyond the perimeter. Thought-provoking artwork by inmates is on display. Prisoners walk the grounds in street clothes, practice yoga, take classes, and cook meals for themselves.

“I’ve been on a Google campus for other stories, and frankly, it reminded me very much of it.”

I Didn’t Believe This For One Second

April 1, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: April Fools' Day, Berlin, F1, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Jokes, Language, Pranks, Prison Leave a comment

It took me about half the article before I finally figured out what was going on.

But I’m a real sucker for this kind of stuff: Formula 1 racing is coming to Berlin in 2017?

Anyone who knows anything about Germans knows they love cars. So it wasn’t immediately obvious that the Berliner Zeitung’s joke about plans for a new Formula One race on the streets of the capital wasn’t true – all the more so since Berlin already hosts a Formula E (electric) race each year.

A mocked-up image showed German Red Bull driver Sebastian Vettel doing donuts on the Pariser Platz, site of the Brandenburg Gate. The supposed 5.85-kilometre course through Berlin is similar to the lengths of the actual races in Monaco and Melbourne. And they even considered the impact on residents: the F1 cars were allegedly to be equipped with silencers designed to limit the noise for complaint-prone Berliners.

April, April (April Fools’ Day) or something.

Zu Promozwecken war Sebastian Vettel schon mal mit seinem Boliden in Berlin. Im kommenden Jahr darf er hier auch ein Rennen fahren.

PS: I think anybody who thinks up pranks like these ought to be sent to German prison. As a reward, I mean.

German Of The Day: Wut-Burger

March 30, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hate, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Beer, Burger King, German, Germans, Germany, Hamburgers, Language, Whoppers 1 Comment

No, not Wut-Bürger (enraged citizen). Wut-Burger (Angriest Whopper), from Burger King. For enraged citizens, of course.

Talk about your Umsatz (sales). They’re going to be going through the roof. Just like all of the Wut-Bürger out there who are going to be ordering these things – available tomorrow!

So like take a chill pill already, folks. Or, better yet, have a relaxing refreshment along with your order. “Would you like a supersize beer with that Wut-Burger, Mr. Wut-Bürger?”

Der Wut-Bürger ist seit Monaten in aller Munde – aber einen Wut-Burger, den hat die Welt noch nicht gesehen.

This Has Gone Beyond A Joke

March 29, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: England, Football, Germany, Marbles, Sports 1 Comment

Still fuming over their football loss to England over the weekend, the Empire struck back at Germany yet again. This time the British team defeated Germany to win the World Marbles Championship. For crying out loud already.