Where’s The Enlightenment When You Need It?

April 24, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helections, Helplessness, Hideology, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Jewish Museum Berlin, Jews, Moses Mendelssohn, Quotas, Regulation, Satire, Taxation, The Enlightenment, The Green Shirts 4 Comments

This is German regulation madness at its best. Or, to be fair, Berliner Green Shirt regulation madness at its best.

The city district council of Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg (the Greens) is currently causing not just a little bewilderment by refusing to name the square in front of Berlin’s Jewish Museum after Moses Mendelssohn, the German Jewish Enlightenment philosopher. No, not because they’re anti-Semites (at least not openly). It’s because Mendelssohn was not a woman.

You see, the district parliament decided back in 2005 (Greens and SPD) that 50 percent of the district’s streets and squares had to be named after women. Until that goal is reached, no new streets or squares will be allowed to be named after men, except in exceptional cases. Which this one isn’t, I guess.

This is about as small-minded as you can get, of course, and it fits perfectly with mainstream Green ideology, I find, in that nothing the Greens ever do or say can ever be allowed to be labelled as being small-minded or petit bourgeois in any way. But of course practically everything they do, well, is.

Die kleingeistige Posse spielt vor der Tür des weltweit bekannten Jüdischen Museums. Die Hauptakteure hocken in der mit Abstand stärksten Fraktion des Bezirks: Es sind die Grünen. Sie schämen sich nicht, „das leider falsche Geschlecht“ Mendelssohns in einem Satz mit dem „Projekt Unisextoiletten“ abzuhandeln.

PS: Speaking of Berlin city government in action: Oh boy! The new tourist tax is here! The new tourist tax is here!

Justin Bieber To Spank His Monkey

April 23, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Customs, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Immigration, Justin Bieber, Leave It to Beaver, Mally the Monkey, Munich, Satire 1 Comment

For not having any papers on him after landing in Munich in March. Or he sure would like to spank him now, I bet.

The popular god-awful and astoundingly annoying suckling superstar clearly had no idea that German customs authorities don’t cut slack for anybody, not even for monkeys – or a guy who’s last name means “beaver” in German.

His dumbass animal of a monkey “Mally” is still under animal shelter arrest and won’t be going anywhere until Bieber or an actual grownup get in touch with the German customs authorities directly (that is the custom here) and he’s running out of time fast.

This gives Leave It to Beaver a whole new meaning, if you ask me. Whether he spanks his monkey or not.

“Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver.”

Germany Honestly Not Seeking Hegemony In Europe I Swear

April 22, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Atavism, Economics, EU, Euro, Euro Crisis, Euro Zone, German, Germans, Germany, Hegemony, Humor, Satire, World Domination Leave a comment

German Chancellor Angela Merkel rejected again today claims that her country was seeking hegemony in the European Union.

“We already are the largest economy in Europe,” she might have said. “Like, by a long shot. So why on earth would we want to do that? All we want to do is just keep exercising our predominant influence over all those other namby-pamby nations around us and with time, through peaceful terms and non-aggression, achieve world, I mean, total European domination.”

“Germany has a sometimes complicated role,” she actually said. “Because we are the largest economy – we are not the richest, but we are the largest. Therefore Germany will only act together with the others – hegemony is totally foreign to me.”

Germans Want More CONTROL

April 19, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hypochondria Tags: Angst, Berlin, Bureaucracy, Control, Germans, Germany, Get Smart, Humor, Internet, Politics, Satire 2 Comments

A commission convened by Germany’s parliament believes the Internet should be given a greater political priority in the country.

The commission has recommended that Germany needs a permanent Internet commissioner.

CONTROL good. KAOS (the Internet) bad.

Let There Be Light

April 18, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, History, Humor Tags: Aerial Photography, Architecture, Berlin, Buildings, East Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Swastikas, West Berlin 1 Comment

Or at least a little more of it in the eastern half of town, I mean.

“Berlin at night. Amazingly, I think the light bulbs still show the East/West division from orbit.”

PS: Speaking of interesting aerial shots of Berlin…

OK, OK. This is in San Diego. But still.

There actually is one of these in Berlin, I’m told. I just couldn’t find it right now. Anybody know where?

Guy Paid To Warn Germans About Too Much Video Surveillance Warns Germans About Too Much Video Surveillance

April 17, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Crime Fighting, Data Protection, Fear, Frank Zappa, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Paranoia, Satire, Video Surveillance 1 Comment

This guy and millions of other Germans, too (although they don’t get paid and therefore do it for free).

Datenschutzbeauftragten (data protection officers) are just that way over here, whether they’re Datenschutzbeauftragten or not.

It doesn’t matter that most of this video surveillance might be taking place for a reasonable reason (like crime prevention/fighting – think Boston Marathon), there is clearly a pathological fear of being watched in play over here (and not just over here, either). It’s a sign of the times, I guess. I know. It’s only paranoia (but I like it).

Oh. This suddenly reminded me of some old lyrics (sort of) to Frank Zappa’s Didja Get Any Onya?

…Years ago in Germany when I was a very small boy, zere was a lot of people standing around on ze corners asking questions: “Why are you standing on ze corner, acting ze way you act, looking like you look? WHY DO YOU LOOK THAT WAY?” And they ask me and I only would say: “I don’t . . . I don’t know, I’m just standing ’round ze corner waiting here . . . just in . . . in ze evening, and . . . and it’s so nice outside . . . the night is so nice . . . why . . . are you just asking these questions . . . ”

“Offenbar scheint eine notorische Neigung zu bestehen, Nachbarn zu überwachen. Und eine pathologische Befürchtung, überwacht zu werden.”

Ausgeliefert

April 15, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Amazon, ARD, Berlin, Distortion, Documentaries, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hype, Journalism, Propaganda, Public-Service Broadcasters, Satire, State-Run TV 9 Comments

As in being at the mercy of.

Everbody agrees that big American hi-tech companies are fundamentally evil, right? Well they do here in Germany. In Germany’s state-run media, I should say (they actually call these channels “public-service broadcasters” here because that sounds better).

Anyways, the latest greatest twist to the anti-Google/Facebook/Apple/Microsoft/Amazon agitpop over at the ARD is breaking new ground (or maybe it isn’t) by unabashedly inventing witnesses and working/living conditions in one of Amazon’s German plants in a scarry documentary about that horrible company called Ausgeliefert – and all of this while using the generous funding provided by the compulsory charge every German household has to pay to support objective “public-service broadcasters” like these, of course.

Germans have to pay this charge now whether they even own a television or not, by the way. Hmmm. The ARD called their documentary Ausgeliefert (as in being at the mercy of Amazon), and that’s something every German knows about personally already. Being at the mercy of the ARD like they are, I mean.

Dort, gezeigt wurde das in einer angeblichen E-Mail, würden Menschen “abgefüttert wie die Schweine”, hieß es. Eine Behauptung, der CoCo von Anfang an widersprochen hat und nun vor Gericht zunächst Recht bekam. Der besagte Speiseraum existiere gar nicht, so das Unternehmen: “Das ist schlicht eine Erfindung der ARD-Journalisten, gegen die wir auch juristisch vorgehen.”

Der HR hat bereits vor der Gerichtsentscheidung bestätigt und eingestanden, dass der strittige Screenshot der E-Mail “fingiert” gewesen sei. Zudem musste der Hessische Rundfunk über seine Rechtsabteilung zugeben, dass auch eine im Film porträtierte polnische Leiharbeiterin namens Agnieszka Lewandowska “niemals als Leiharbeiterin bei Amazon beschäftigt war.”

Quatsch

April 14, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Corruption, Failure, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Klaus Wowereit, Mayors, Megalomania, Politics, Rumors, Satire, SPD Leave a comment

Nonsense, Berliner SPD politicians insist, when it comes to the persistent rumor around town these days that Klaus Wowereit has finally had enough and is willing to make everybody happy and resign already for cryin’ out load.

I would accept this explanation if it weren’t for the fact that they are also saying things like „absoluter Quatsch,“ „eine Quatsch-Debatte,“ „wirklich Quatsch“ and „auch das ist Quatsch,“ too.

Ja, eine „Quatsch-Debatte“ sei das, dass der Regierende Bürgermeister, wie es in der Boulevardzeitung BZ zu lesen war, keine Lust mehr aufs Regieren habe und angesichts mieser Umfragen und ebensolcher Aussichten plane, noch vor der Sommerpause seinen Rücktritt bekannt zu geben.

Gold-obsessed German Smuggler Drops Plans To Rob Fort Knox

April 13, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: 007, Bailouts, Berlin, Euro Crisis, Euro Zone, Films, German, Germans, Germany, Gold, Goldfinger, Greece, Humor, Satire, Tax evasion 2 Comments

But gets caught at Athens International Airport attempting to smuggle half a ton of gold and silver out of Greece to Germany instead.

Wait a second. Aren’t the Germans the ones who are supposed to be smuggling their gold (as in Geld) into Greece these days?

The man was trying to board a Lufthansa flight back to Germany when the airline uncovered nearly 1,000 lbs. of what the BBC calls silver “tablets” in a cargo container.

Germans Tired Of Being Cast As The Euro Zone’s Scapegoats

April 11, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Cyprus, Euro Crisis, Euro Zone, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Hitler, Humor, Leadership, Merkel, Nazis, Power, Satire, Scapegoats 1 Comment

But once they take a nap and rest a little bit, they won’t be so tired anymore.

Sometimes Germany was too weak, sometimes too strong. Or, as Henry Kissinger, a former American secretary of state, put it, referring to Germany just after unification in 1871, it was “too big for Europe, but too small for the world”. Today, Mr Simms (Cambridge University) argues, “it sits uneasily at the heart of an EU that was conceived largely to constrain German power but which has served instead to increase it, and whose design flaws have unintentionally deprived many other Europeans of sovereignty.”

The question is whether Germany can use its power by unapologetically leading. Given Germany’s past, its political culture militates against even trying.

“It’s nice to go to a conference of ‘young leaders’, but you don’t want a conference of ‘junge Führer’.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Humor