German Spies Don’t Spy On Friends

But only because they appear to have Laurel and Hardy doing it.

BND

An attempt to wiretap John Kerry’s personal cellphone number back in 2013 failed, for instance, because the agent trying to do the listening in mixed up the US country code with one from Africa.

The Germans apparently had better luck spying on the former foreign policy chief of the European Union, Catherine Ashton back in 2008, however, although I have to assume that they misdialed this number, too. Maybe they were tying to listen in on that Jose Manuel Barroso guy instead?

Laut „Spiegel“ hatte der BND auch die Handynummer von US-Außenminister John Kerry 2013 in die Erfassung aufgenommen. Dabei habe es aber wegen einer Panne keine Abhörergebnisse gegeben: Ein BND-Mitarbeiter habe angeblich statt der Ländervorwahl der USA versehentlich die eines afrikanischen Landes eingegeben.

77 + 13 = Null Ahnung

Null means zero in German. Null Ahnung means “I have no idea” or “I haven’t a clue.”

Gone

So just do the math:

The other day we found out that 77 percent of the migrants who came to Germany in January did so without having any identification papers. Now we learn that 13 percent of all migrants located in Germany just get up and, well, disappear. They get registered with the authorities somewhere when they arrive and then puff! They’re gone.

Ergo… When it comes to migrants in Germany, this 77 + 13 = uhm, wait a second… nearly 100 percent “I have no idea” or “I haven’t a clue” about what the hell is going on here in this country anymore. And something tells me I’m not the only one.

Knapp jeder achte registrierte Flüchtling verschwindet nach seiner behördlichen Erfassung.

Michael Moore Moved By German Kindness

But only about a centimeter or two.

Michael Moore

He’s a really big guy, see?

In a special wide-screen video appearance made especially for this year’s crappy Berlin Film Festival (Moore’s own latest crappy film, “Who to Offend Next,” oops, I mean “Where to Invade Next” is being shown here but he unfortunately cannot attend due to pneumonia and being a really, honking hefty dude, like I said) the annoying loudmouth commended Germany for its “kindness towards refugees, which has moved me and millions of Americans.” But, hey. Somebody’s got to do it, I guess.

Wanna see an even better Michael Moore video? When he was skinny, I mean?

Eure Großzügigkeit und Güte gegenüber Flüchtlingen haben mich und Millionen Amerikaner bewegt. Und ich weiß, es gibt Probleme.

You Can Still Bring Your Dogs, Though

As we all know, adults need their peace and quiet. Especially if they are German adults.

Hotel

And German adults who need their peace and quiet can also be real innovators. That is why Germany is currently leading the field when it comes to the child-free hotel industry. No shirts, no shoes, no sixteen years of age? No service, junior.

“Your children are loud, annoying, disruptive, shrieky, poorly behaved and annoying as hell and ruin everyone else’s experience. Maybe it’s time breeders stop trying to force everyone else to bow down to their special snowflakes and realize that no one else loves your kid.”

Mit Ruhe für Erwachsene werben Hotels, die für ihre Gäste ein Mindestalter vorschreiben. Auch in Deutschland gibt es einige der “Ab 16” oder “Ab 18”-Hotels. Die Reaktionen von Gästen und Publikum schwanken zwischen Zustimmung und Hass.

Speaking Of Life Jackets…

Anybody who voluntarily goes to this event needs to be wearing one at the very least. Und zwar (namely) a get-a-life jacket*.

Life Jackets

That’s right. It’s Cinema for Peace time in Berlin again and this year’s theme is, how the hell do I know? Nobody knows. Refugees? Whatever it is it looks like only those with good connections to the cereal industry are allowed to take part this year (same procedure as every year). You know, you’ve got to be either a nut, a fruit or a flake?

Like, what is any of this supposed to mean?

Den Mist mache ich nicht mit, ich kacke ja auch nicht auf den Tisch im Namen der Kunst.

* Space blankets are of course also angesagt (hot) this year.

Family Brown

Satire alarm! Please remain calm.

This neo-Nazi dude had a one-night-stand with this Eritrean chick seven years previously who is now being abgeschoben (deported) because of Ausländer raus (foreigners out) and all that so now he has to take care of his daughter who was the result of their short liaison.

Der guckt nicht traurig, der guckt nachdenklich. Er hat sehr viel nachgedacht früher.

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Meryl Streep Wants More Inclusion

As Berlin Film Festival Jury head, that is. In industry and politics, I mean. And the Berlinale is just the place to, uh, want that kind of thing, or something.

Meryl Streep

You know, more women, more people of non-white color, more transgender cats and dogs, more environmentally friendly refrigerators, stuff like that needs more inclusion. Who would disagree? Who even could? And we’re talking inclusion as in diversity here, people. NOT assimilation.

Sadly, things that are definitely not included in the inclusion here – here at the Berlin Film Festival, I mean, the Berlinale, that is, the reason why this lady from Hollywood is here in the first place – are films that anybody/anything in his/her/its right mind might ever possibly want to see.

“The thing I’ve noticed from my different roles is there is a core of humanity that travels right through every culture. And, after all, we’re all from Africa, originally. We’re all Berliners. We’re all Africans, really.”

Police Brutality Is Real

Police in Berlin had to drag a man from a bus on Wednesday evening after he refused to stop eating a Döner which he’d brought on board.

Döner

It’s a far cry from the relaxed attitude promoted in BVG advertising.

Döner im Bus ist verboten – was ist denn erlaubt?

Tank About It

It’s that jolly, merry, drunken Karneval season again, folks.

Tank

And this tank float here got labeled the “Imtaler Asylum Defense.” Uh oh, we’re gonna get letters… Officials are even looking into hate crime charges.

For some reason, however, this float here is perfectly OK. I guess because Angie’s on it. It’s called “Refugee Wave.”

Reugee Wave

Ein Panzer-Motivwagen mit der Aufschrift „Asylabwehr“ hat bei einem Umzug in Bayern für Empörung gesorgt. Die Behörden ermitteln jetzt wegen Verdacht auf Volksverhetzung. Auch die Aktionen anderer Vereine wurden als fremdenfeindlich kritisiert.

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The Little Red Book

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