Next Big US-Amerikan Internet Giant Soon To Threaten The German Way Of Life Again

May 19, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Internet, Postmates, Satire, Silicon Valley, Uber Leave a comment

Whatever that is. It’s called Postmates and it’s an on-demand courier service that is sure to ruin everything Germans hold to be hoch und heilig (holy) in the realm of quick and easy albeit expensive pick-up and drop-off service.

It’s despicable and it’s nasty and it’s wait a minute… A German invented it. Well, a little German innovation never hurt anybody, right?

Postmates has set itself an ambitious goal — to be the Uber of goods, with a vast network of couriers, linked, like Uber’s drivers, via a sleek app, waiting for users to hit a button on their smartphones and send them forth to pick up anything that money can buy. Like Uber’s drivers, Postmates couriers aren’t employees but “independent contractors.” Anyone with a bike, car, truck, scooter or motorcycle can register and decide exactly when they want to work.

“In Germany, if you have an idea like mine, people think you’re deluded.”

German Of The Day: Nervensäge

May 15, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Birthdays, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Idioms, Language, Political Parties, Politicians 4 Comments

That means “nerve saw” or annoying person. And heaven knows that Claudia Roth of the German Greens has spent an entire career making a name for herself in that department.

The Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung even once referred to her as the “Mother of All Nerve Saws.” But that was then and this is now. She has clearly mellowed out now that she just turned 60 (today). Now it’s more like she just gnaws on your nerves.

Happy Birthday, Claudia!

Selbst Etiketten wie “Mutter aller Nervensägen”, wie die “FAZ” einmal schrieb, ärgern die streitbare Politikerin nicht. Im Gegenteil: Im Bundestagswahlkampf 2013 griff sie das Thema selbstironisch auf, eine Parteikampagne für mehr weibliche Mitglieder warb mit dem Spruch: “Wer nervt mehr als Claudia?”

But What Does This Guy Know?

May 13, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

China and Russia are the most avid intelligence gatherers in Germany, says Hans-Georg Maassen, head of Germany’s intelligence agency.

But like, who cares about that? That’s beside the point or something. We Germans are empört (appalled) about this Skandal (scandal) and we’re going to stay that way, damn it.

Liebe Deutsche, findet euch damit ab, dass ihr ausspioniert werdet!

German Of The Day: Behindert

May 12, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Aging, Disabilities, Disabled, German, Germany, Language, Statistics 2 Comments

That’s what Germans are. Or at least one out of eight Germans are these days: Disabled.

Not only are they getting more and more old and gray and in the way, they also seem to be doing so less gracefully.

Funny how the number could be so high here so quickly though, don’t you think (up 7 percent since 2009)? This couldn’t be another popular scam for some, could it? I’m so ashamed. How could I even think of such a thing?

Whatever it is, it reminds me of a German oddity I have observed here in Berlin: Oddity 168. If there were only two Germans left on earth, one would try to take advantage of the other by pulling out his “Schwerbeschädigter Ausweis” or disabled person ID. I was boarding a bus in Berlin once when two passengers got into a real argument over one of the seats reserved for the disabled by waving around their IDs and yelling back and forth at each other about who was the more disabled of the two. It came dangerously close to a real brawl. That made me wonder. Would the winner of the fight have then been disqualified for no longer being the most disabled one?

Gegenüber 2009 ist die Zahl der Menschen mit Behinderung um 7 Prozent beziehungsweise 673.000 Personen gestiegen.

German Spies Spying For American Spies Shocked To Discover That American Spies Were Actually Of The Spy Variety

May 7, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, BND, Espionage, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

After years of close cooperation with the NSA, Germany’s BND has now suddenly reduced this cooperation upon finding out that the information they had been furnishing the NSA with was being used for espionage purposes.

“Who would have thought that?” asked one high-ranking German spy official with a paper bag on his head. “We all figured that that list of 40,000 selectors (IP addresses, search terms and names) we at the BND used on behalf of the NSA had some other justification. I dunno. I personally assumed they wanted to order pizza or something. But to go and spy on other folks like that? No way. We don’t want anything to do with that kind of Scheiße.”

It still remains to be seen whether this list can be released, as that depends on what arrangements were made with the US by the then government [of Gerhard Schröder] after the dramatic events of September 11.

Our Espionage Doesn’t Stink

May 4, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, CIA, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Security, Spying, Terrorism 1 Comment

On the one hand, we as German spies only do nice spying and would never spy on friends much less on other other nice Germans like ourselves.

“But on the other hand, intelligence agencies are working to ensure the public’s safety and the German government will do everything it can to ensure that it can carry out its job.

“And this ability to carry out its duties in the face of international terrorism threats is done in cooperation with other intelligence agencies, and that includes first and foremost the NSA.”

Deutschland regt sich über eine Spionageaffäre auf. Dabei wäscht seit Jahrzehnten unter den westlichen Diensten eine Hand die andere. Wir sollten endlich realistisch mit dem Thema Sicherheit umgehen.

German Of The Day: Krawalltourismus

May 1, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Anarchism, Berlin, Demonstrations, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Riots, Violence, Workers Leave a comment

That means “violent demonstration tourism,” more or less. And May Day (or International Workers’ Day) is booked out completely for this every year in Berlin.

These international workers are off that day, you see. And it’s a bewitching event that these folks just can’t afford to miss. You know, tradition and all that?

Weder mystisch noch romantisch. Für die Berliner Polizei steht run um die Maifeiertage viel Arbeit an.

German Border Guards To Keep Wolves Out

April 28, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, History, Humor, Hysteria Tags: Animals, Borders, Conservationists, Fairy Tales, Germany, Motorcycle Gangs, Night Wolves, Putin, Ukraine, Wolves Leave a comment

About 150 years have passed since German hunters eradicated wolves from the nation’s woodlands. But the animal’s threatening aura has persisted through folk tales, including those by German writers Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm.

So when wolf packs began reappearing in Germany late in the 20th century, thanks to the efforts of conservationists, the animals faced a public-relations challenge.

Meanwhile… Even though members of the “Night Wolves” may already have visas for Germany, they will be revoked at the border if members of the group, blacklisted in the United States for their participation in Russia’s annexation of Crimea, try to enter.

German Intelligence Insults German Intelligence

April 24, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Intelligence, NSA, Spying 1 Comment

When the NSA asks for INFO from the BND they get it ASAP. Or at least they used to.

Germany’s intelligence service, the Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND), has been helping the NSA spy on European politicians and companies for years, according to the German news magazine Der Spiegel. The NSA has been sending lists of “selectors”—identifying telephone numbers, e-mail and IP addresses—to the BND, which then provides related information that it holds in its surveillance databases…

Investigators found that the BND had provided information on around 2,000 selectors that were clearly against European and German interests. Not only were European businesses such as the giant aerospace and defense company EADS, best-known as the manufacturer of the Airbus planes, targeted, so were European politicians—including German ones.

I still can’t figure out where the intelligence part comes in here.

It’s TTIP, All Right

April 21, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Anti-Americanism, Cecilia Malmstroem, EU, Europe, Free Trade, German, Germans, Germany, Hysteria, ISDS, Merkel, Protest, Schizophrenia, SPD, TTIP 1 Comment

It’s TTIP of your normal-everyday-hysterical-German-anti-American iceberg.

“All this enters the debate, but it surprises me a bit that the resistance is so strong in a country like Germany, where the benefits will be the greatest.”

The most controversial element of TTIP is a plan to let companies have legal disputes with governments heard by supra-national tribunals, which campaigners say would undermine national sovereignty and favour big business.

The so-called investor-state dispute settlement, or ISDS, allows firms to sue national governments if they feel that local rulings — such as health and safety regulations — violate the trade deal and threaten their investments.

The courts are a critical issue for US negotiators, who underline that these types of panels have existed for decades and are already included in thousands of trade deals worldwide, including about 400 in Europe.

„Dabei ist es geradezu bizarr, dass die Debatte in Deutschland so aufgeheizt ist: Schließlich profitiert kein Land so stark von TTIP wie Deutschland.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hysteria