“Earnest question: What do European leaders talk about that’s worth spying on?”
“I’m not sure I’d want to listen in to Silvio Berlusconi’s cellphone.”
Category Archives: Hysteria
NSA Not Monitoring Chancellor’s Cell Phone
Talk about your sleeper cell phone.
The Obama administration has denied that the NSA is monitoring the communications on chancellor Angela Merkel’s cell phone.
This was confirmed by NSA officials after Merkel had called to discuss the matter with Obama on her cell phone.
Merkel und Obama hätten in dem Telefonat übereingestimmt, die Kooperation der Geheimdienste beider Länder zu intensivieren.
Speaking Of Ausländer…
Who cares about a few thousand Brits? Germany has more foreigners than you can shake a stick at and, well, more than they did back in 1993 (that’s bad, right?).
Some 7.2 million total there be. Not bad. For a xenophobic, racist, narrow-minded Volk living in a contemptuous and chauvinistic country still suffering under a living-dead Nazi past, I mean.
Die Zahl der in Deutschland registrierten Ausländer ist 2012 so kräftig gestiegen wie seit fast zwei Jahrzehnten nicht mehr. Sie erhöhte sich um 4,1 Prozent auf gut 7,2 Millionen, teilte das Statistische Bundesamt mit.
PS: Damn. Claudia made it. Weren’t they even allowed to vote against anybody during that vote?
Bundeswehr Afghan Troops Now Marching Through Leipzig
With nowhere to put their dreaded and battle-tried Bundeswehr troops after the recent pullout from the Afghan province of Kunduz (German troops in Afghanistan are now being reduced from 4,000 to 800), Bundeswehr strategists have decided to use them for what they hope will be the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden instead.
German Defense Minister Thomas de Maiziere noted that a victory against the cunning French emperor would be “a turning point not only for the Bundeswehr, but also for German society itself” and would finally prove to the GermanVolk and even the rest of the world out there that the Bundeswehr “will actually shoot at people if they like absolutely, positively have to, but of course only if the UN and Starfleet Command have OK’d it in writing first.”
Thousands of people will don period costumes, mount horses and raise their muskets and sabers to recreate the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden.
American Political System Broken For Real This Time
Honest. Or at least that’s what we read in Der Spiegel.
Here is a quick summary of yet another intellectually challenging and frankly quite bizarre Spiegel “analysis:”
US democracy is nearing its limits.
The United States has avoided federal default, but no one should be happy about this.
This is because the American political system is truly broken.
This latest political crisis has turned out to be a systemic crisis.
The country’s political architecture was not designed for long-lasting blockades and extortion, the likes of which have been enthusiastically practiced by Tea Party supporters for almost the last four years.
America is no longer a representative democracy. This is because in the congressional elections in 2012 the Democrats won 1.17 million more votes than Republicans but Republicans got 33 more seats in the House of Representatives.
Not even 10 percent of the 435 seats in the House of Representatives are considered competitive.
The last of the mohicans, uh moderates, have been pushed out of Congress.
Politicians actually call each other names these days (which apparently never happened in the past) and this is in part due to talk radio personalities.
Radical groups and billionaires (on the right, of course) actually make campaign contributions now.
The Tea Party came into being because the old “white majority” is shrinking into a minority and this is why they now proudly hold up ignorance and stupidity as badges of honor.
But other than all that though, I thought the commentary was pretty good.
And this just in: Germans are not really rude! And this video here will prove it or something.
No Private Sphere Here
Fed up with having their personal privacy abused by Facebook, Google and the NSA all the time, many Germans have decided to give up their personal privacy altogether and now actively and gladly publish online practically ever damned freaking boring imaginable thing they do like ALL DAY/EVERY DAY/ALL LIFE LONG.
Actually, I thought they were all doing that already.
And in a related story, the Deutsche Telekom is planning to introduce “a vast computer network linking smaller computer networks worldwide,” or at least German-wide. They are then going to call this innovative and highly original new invention of theirs the Internetz. Or they sure ought to.
Or how about the Inner-Netz?
“My philosophy is that information is more useful when it’s out in the open.”
Lothar Matthäus Claims He Isn’t Really Dead
After bringing by an ärztliches Attest (doctor’s certificate) certifying that he is “in fact like really and truly actually still alive,” ex-soccer star Lothar Matthäus has received an official apology from the otherwise infallibel Deutsche Post for returning a letter addressed to him from his ex-wife as unzustellbar (undeliverable) due to his being, well, like verstorben (deceased) already.
“Look, I’ve been dead for my ex-wife for years now, but this is taking it a little over the top, don’t you think?” the living and breathing Promi (celebrity, sort of) said, still alive and kicking.
Weil ein Brief seiner Ex-Frau Liliana nicht zugestellt werden konnte, wird der 52-Jährige kurzerhand für tot erklärt.
Whoopee! The Electricity Prices Are Going Up Again!
Seven percent in the coming year! For starters.
Hot dog. And all because of the The German Renewable Energy Act.
And this act kind of goes like this: Every kilowatt-hour that is generated from renewable energy facilities receives a fixed feed-in tariff. Renewable energy plant operators receive a 20 year, technology specific, guaranteed payment for their produced electricity. Anyone who produces renewable energy can now sell his ‘product’ for a 20-year fixed price.
And who pays this tariff? You guessed it.
Die EEG-Umlage steigt im kommenden Jahr voraussichtlich um einen Cent je Kilowattstunde.
Next Troubling Demographic Development Stuns Germany
As if Germans did not have enough to worry about already, a study from Credit Suisse has just confirmed that more than 1.7 million German citizens are now living above the millionaire line.
In fact, despite the so-called financial crisis, the amount of personal wealth has nearly doubled here since the year 2000.
German experts are grappling to find a sufficient explanation for this troubling development, as the causes of excessive German wealth were hitherto thought to have been fully understood and firmly under control.
With the release of these new findings, however, it appears as if some sources of this disgusting German wealth may be attributable to certain socio-demographic characteristics or other social, political, economic and cultural factors that may not have been fully comprehended up until now.
“This is absolutely shameful,” one grudging expert said. “It is an absolute outrage that wealth like this could exist in such an advanced and envious society as ours. We will not tolerate it and we shall never cease our efforts until the causes for this injustice are found and alleviated.”
Seit Mitte 2012 seien 221.000 Menschen hinzugekommen; insgesamt lebten in Deutschland nun gut 1.735.000 Dollar-Millionäre.
Clever German Union Outsmarts Evil American Online Retailer
In a move that will clearly bring Amazon to its negotiating knees, German union Ver.di is threatening to strike the evil American online retailer’s logistic operations in Germany during the Christmas season itself should said evil retailer not increase wages for its German employees real pronto-like.
Shocked spokesmen at Amazon were clearly speechless here, prefering to announce that their company will now be opening three big new logistic centers just down the road in Poland in the very near future instead.
„Ich würde mich an Amazons Stelle nicht darauf verlassen, vor Weihnachten alle Kundenversprechen einhalten zu können.“
