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“Ich spüre eine große Unsicherheit. Viele wollen auf das Unvorhersehbare vorbereitet sein.”
Category Archives: Humor
German Security Officials Now Ready To Consider Introducing More McDonald’s Restaurants
After the German city of Bonn narrowly escaped a deadly bombing last week – and unable to locate the suspected radical Islamist perpetrators due to a lack of recorded surveillance images – German authorities are now ready to consider intensifying the use of CCTV surveillance in Germany by dramatically increasing the number of McDonald’s restaurants allowed to open for business here.
“Violent criminals could be deterred and crimes and planned attacks more quickly cleared up with increased McDonald’s video technology in public spaces,” one Interior Ministry spokesman said. “I mean, like we’ve got to do something now, don’t we?”
The only surveillance images that could help the police in the hunt for the Bonn perpetrators come from the McDonald’s fast food chain. Unlike Deutsche Bahn, the McDonald’s restaurant on Platform 1 did record activity with its surveillance cameras.
Horse Du Bezahlt?
What is the news story here, anyway?
That there is a pony taking the Berlin S-Bahn (it’s still better than walking, I guess), or that the pony didn’t pay?
Pony ohne Fahrschein in der Berliner S-Bahn unterwegs.
Pleasant Christmas Smells Make Germans Sick
And here you always figured that your lousy Chirstmas spirit had to do with the dreaded Verwandtenbesuch (visiting relatives). Well, it does. But recent research indicates that Christmas smells in abundance (and they always are this time of year) can also make Germans irritable and depressed.
That’s right. Aromatic candles, incense, advent wreaths with cinnamon and cloves, vanilla, anise, coriander, you name it. All these wonderfully smelly yule tide substances now pose a health threat to us (I mean you) and should be enjoyed in moderation only. I mean not be enjoyed in moderation only, of course.
Bah! Humbug already!
“Zuerst empfindet man den Duft noch als angenehm, aber bald schon kippt die Stimmung, man fühlt sich unwohl, leer oder gereizt.”
Duff Beer Exists Here
Homer Simpson is a cartoon character, right? And Duff beer is imaginary.
But in Germany you can enjoy Duff beer for real, brewed by two separate companies even, if you want to, because Germany’s Federal Court of Justice (the nation’s highest court of law) said you could.
I don’t make this stuff up, people. This country’s a freakin’ fantasia land amusement park or something. For cryin’ out loud.
“In dieser Zeichentrickserie tritt ein Herr Homer Simpson auf, und dieser Herr trinkt”, erläuterte der Vorsitzende Richter Joachim Bornkamm in der mündlichen Verhandlung. Wobei Bornkamm betonte, es sei wohl “ein eher billiges Bier”.
German Blue Cards Going Like Hotcakes
A mass influx of skilled foreign laborers with “blue cards” to Germany is causing unexpected bureaucratic headaches and unsettling the already unsettled German xenophobic population at large.
So far, a grand total of 139 (that’s 1-3-9) foreign professionals have received the coveted card, camparable to the US-Amerikan “green card,” since its introduction in August.
“Wow. We had no idea just how bad people wanted to come here,” said one suprised immigration official. “This was way too easy. But how are we going to find jobs for all these folks now?”
Skilled employees from outside the European Union have apparantly been lining up everywhere and eating their achy breaky yearning little hearts out in earnest for this envied piece of blue plastic for quite some time now, partly due, it seems, to Germany’s celebrated image of being an overly bureaucratic and unwelcoming place for foreigners of all non-German kinds.
“German immigration law is still complicated and not very transparent for foreign skilled employees.”
There Was Nothing Else In The News These Past Two Days
So I thought I would post about the new non-stop long distance bus line from Leipzig to Frankfurt that will already be starting service this coming November 29.
It is going to be really neat. The trip might take a bit longer, I read, but at least you’ll be able to take your bike with you.
Längere Fahrzeit, aber Radmitnahme
This Just In: The Taliban Is Violent And Yucky
Infidel is in, again. Or at least it is for the 27-year-old German who had travelled to Waziristan with his wife intending to free the area from the “infidel occupiers” after they had converted to Islam.
He has now returned to Germany because, well, he was “disheartened by the violence and annoyed with the group’s macho and drug-taking world.”
The former fighter also complained of the unhygienic conditions in the war-torn lands of Pakistan’s Waziristan province and Afghanistan that left him infected with hepatitis, and which were, in his opinion, “incompatible with the teachings of the Koran”.
Holy crap. The Taliban is violent? Wow, like nobody had told me about that either, dude. We feel your pain (in the ass). So welcome back to the real, as in infidel world.
Who Needs Sandy?
Thanks to this dad gern new-fangled Energiewende (energy turnaround), the power goes out in Germany “mit ohne” (without) a damned hurricane these days.
Es ist 16:32 Uhr, für die meisten ist der Feierabend nicht mehr weit. Da zuckt in den Büros kurz das Licht. Im Stadtteil Griesheim gehen die Lampen sogar ganz aus. Zeitumstellung. Es ist dunkel. Rund um die Innenstadt bricht mitten in der Rush Hour der Verkehr zusammen. Die Ampeln tun – zumindest nördlich des Mains – ihren Dienst nicht mehr. S- und Straßenbahnen bleiben auf offener Strecke stehen. In den U-Bahnen geht die Notbeleuchtung an.
I Was Nowhere Near Tegel Airport On Saturday
So it wasn’t me.
Fumes coming from a toilet at Berlin’s Tegel airport on Saturday sickened 53 people, local media reported.
Die Experten vermuten, dass Reinigungsmittel falsch dosiert wurden.
Observing Hermann 