Thank Goodness Email Made In Germany Is Safe

Safe from those awful NSA criminals over there in US-Amerika, I mean. Remember the recent “Boom Triggered By NSA: German Email Services Report Surge in Demand” hype?

Theft

Well now it turns out that evil data criminals have somehow managed to steal some 18 million email accounts, with passwords, across the board, from all the major German Internet providers. And these guys weren’t even working for the NSA, people!

You just can’t trust any kind of Internet criminal these days, I guess.

Die Staatsanwaltschaft Verden ist auf einen Datensatz von 18 Millionen E-Mail-Adressen samt Passwörtern gestoßen. Betroffen sind alle großen deutschen Provider.

Even The Germans Are Figuring Out That ADHD Is A Hoax

The use of Ritalin for ADHD (ADHS in German) in Germany is now sinking for the first time in 20 years. And this despite the fact that more and more adults are now using it.

ADHS

German families and even German doctors themselves are now coming to the shocking conclusion that not every German child with the fictitious disease needs to be prescribed a real medicine for it. So like, what do they do now? And how are they going to break it to the kids?

Some sociologists consider ADHD to be an example of the medicalization of deviant behavior, or in other words, the turning of the previously non medical issue of school performance into a medical one.

“ADHD is a prime example of a fictitious disease.”

We Apologize For Being Russia Apologists

But we’ve already gotten over it and we’re sure that you will soon, too.

Survey

Be they people who simply romanticize Russia, those with a penchant for realpolitik, those nostalgic for the Soviet Union or just armchair leftists, there are so many people seemingly sympathetic to the annexation that many are scratching their heads and asking if Germany is a country of Russia apologists.

No need to wonder about it, people. You are.

In the states that were part of East Germany, one encounters a bond with the former occupying power that at times borders on Stockholm syndrome.

PS: Between rounds of apologies for Putin, 100 German academics have found the time to get together and write an open letter in opposition to the planned honorary professorship of Henry Kissinger at the University of Bonn. They accuse the Nobel Peace Prize winner of being a war criminal, a criminal against humanity a Chilean putschist dude and an overall Emperor of Evil. I’m going to go out on the limb here, but something tells me that these professors were students back in 1968.

McDonald’s Wastes 600000 Liters Of Water With Every Happy Meal Served

Give or take a 0 or two, of course. And this is shocking. And bad.

Fast

The use of this water – used primarily for the cultivation of potatoes and grain, the feeding of livestock and the manufacture of beverages for McDonald’s customers – needs to be stopped immediately.

It could be used much more efficiently, or so the current WWF reports imply, if it were used for the cultivation of potatoes and grain, the feeding of livestock and the manufacture of beverages instead.

So stop eating fast food already and thus provide the rest of the world with this otherwise wasted water (“Over 60000000000000000000000000… liters served!”). What an epiphany. Why hadn’t anyone figured out this simple, simple truth long, long ago?

Burger, Pommes frites und ein Softdrink: Schon die Produktion eines einzigen Fast-Food-Menüs verbraucht nach WWF-Berechnungen 6000 Liter Wasser.

Ronald McDonald Could Take The Stand At Attempted Bonn Bombing Trial

After having placed charges against four alleged Islamist militants for plotting a failed bomb attack at the Bonn railway station in 2012, German authorities have now contacted the McDonald’s Corporation to try to find out how it could be so easy for them to deliver the incriminating video while the German security cameras aimed at the platform where the explosive device was found didn’t even, well, you know, like exist.

Bomb

“Our main interest is in establishing how the hell they got permission to install those things here in Germany, and from whom,” one authority said. “It would be really cool if we could do the same thing here too, you know?”

“Of course we also want to make sure that McDonald’s understands the complex implications involved when it comes to questions of video surveillance and matters of privacy in our country,” he continued. “They can’t just go around spying on people in their restaurants like that, you know.”

Die Ungläubigen sollen Blut weinen.

Germany Still Threatened By Fukushima

Or by the ghost of Fukushima, I should say.

Fukushima

Danger! Danger! More “experts” issuing expert warnings here again: Nearly three years have passed since the Fukushima disaster in Japan and Germany is still not adequately prepared for a nuclear incident, the Süddeutsche Zeitung reports.

I can only assume that they mean being not adequately prepared for  a nuclear incident caused by a magnitude 9.0 undersea megathrust earthquake hitting somewhere off the coast of Bremerhaven in a region of the world that doesn’t “do” earthquakes and causing a massive tsunami that could wipe out one of Germany’s coastal power plants, or maybe even one in Bavaria, provided, of course, that said tsunami could still find a German nuclear power plant that was still in operation, which is very doubtful indeed, but still.

Nope. You can never be prepared enough when it comes to preparing for one of those worst conceivable and most completely unpredictable natural disasters like-in-recorded-history-type-disasters that has already happened somewhere else, I guess.

Deutschland ist nicht ausreichend auf einen nuklearen Störfall vorbereitet.

Germans Bugging Americans About Bugging Germans Again

Well they’re sure bugging me.

Merkel

I mean, the Pres already told the NSA to stop listening in on Angela Merkel, right? So like are they now supposed to stop listening in on everybody else out there, too? Why that’s, I dunno, unrealistic or something. Damned if you do. Damned if you still do.

The National Security Agency (NSA) has stepped up its surveillance of senior German government officials since being ordered by Barack Obama to halt its spying on Chancellor Angela Merkel, Bild am Sonntag paper reported on Sunday.

“Was soll ich denken?”

PS: Looking at that picture up there makes me think that I could work for the NSA, too. I bet I could have cracked that password eventually myself.

Chinese And Eastern European Spy Attacks Boring Spiegel Readers To Tears

1) Chinese intelligence agencies have apparently carried out a spy attack on the federal government of Germany. Yawn.

China

2) Some 16 million email addresses and passwords of 600 government employees at every German ministry have been taken in a massive data theft operation. The attack was carried out by eastern European criminals, according to Der Spiegel. Snooze.

When asked for more detailed information, a German government spokesman replied “More detailed information. Of what? Like who cares? It’s not as if these attacks were carried out by the NSA or anything.”

Researchers declined to speculate about the possible origin of the malware, but noted that none of the victims were from China.

PS: As for this year’s Berlinale, hmmm. The Chinese just won the Golden Bear for best film this year, too. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Some long-established film festivals, such as Cannes and Venice, can legitimately claim to be timeless. Berlin, however, seems to be stuck in the past, and not only because the event somewhat coasts on its bygone reputation as a festival of discovery…

The Berlinale’s 64th edition was the most lukewarm in years. You don’t usually expect swoons and scandals here, but you do hope that every year’s competition will bring one major discovery, or at least an unassuming gem that everyone falls in love with. There was one universally adored film in competition – but it doesn’t quite count as a Berlin revelation, as it came straight from wowing Sundance…

Berlin always provides its share of A-list red-carpet promenades – this year, by the likes of George Clooney, Bill Murray and Uma Thurman – yet these never quite disguise the festival’s essential earnestness…

Otherwise, I suspect that Berlin 2014 will be best remembered for its major innovation – the addition of a pop-up line of gourmet food wagons. Festival-goers will turn up undeterred again next year – but many of them will be doing it less for the films than for this Berlinale’s real discovery, the pulled pork baps.

The Thrill Is Gone

My how time flies. Especially when it’s only been fifteen minutes.

Snowden

For the rest of us, I mean. Edward Snowden still has a whole lot more time on his hands.

The European parliament is to ditch demands on Wednesday that EU governments give guarantees of asylum and security to Edward Snowden, the National Security Agency whistleblower.

In Brüssel ist ein Vorstoß von Grünen und Linken gescheitert, dem Whistleblower Schutz in der EU zu gewähren. Der Innenausschuss des EU-Parlaments stimmte gegen den Antrag.

Creepy Corn Coming (And I Don’t Care)

Ghastly, genetically modified creepy corn.

Corn

Creepy corn without a name. Creepy corn that isn’t even spelled with a capital K. Corn so creepy that it only has a creepy number; the nasty and nightmarish 1507. Corn devised in some creepy laboratory somewhere in the United States of Creepy Amerika.

Insect-resistant, creepy, nameless and K-less corn. Creepy corn that Germans dressed up like bees simply must say Nein! to. Corn that must be stopped at all costs.

Corn declared safe by the European Food Standards Authority. But still.

“Wir erkennen die Vorbehalte des Großteils der Bevölkerung gegenüber der grünen Gentechnik an.”