I’m The Stress

May 2, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Disease Mongering, Fake Illnesses, Frank Zappa, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, I'm The Slime, Satire, Science, Stress Leave a comment

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

Stop Hurting Russia’s Feelings Already

May 1, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Hideology, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Cold War, Communism, Crimea, Elections, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, May Day, Political Parties, Putin, Rosa Luxemburg, Russia, Sahra Wagenknecht, Satire, Ukraine Leave a comment

Who would have expected that? The German Left Party itself (they used to be called the PDS or Partei der Stasi) has expressed grave concern over the EU’s aggressive stance toward the Soviet Union, I mean Vlad Putin’s democratic Russia.

Rosa Luxemburg, I mean Sahra Wagenknecht herself has sharply critisized European crisis management with regard to the Ukraine conflict, saying it consisted of “vile Russia bashing right out of the Cold War” and that the West is pursuing a vicious anti-Russian policy of exclusion and unniceness and rottenness and that everybody, those damned faschist Ukrainians included, should finally just leave our commrades, I mean Russian partners alone already.

May Day, May Day… Earth to Wagenknecht. Earth to Wagenknecht. Can you read me?

Das ist übles Russland-Bashing aus Kalter-Krieg-Zeiten.

Tell Me How To Vote Oh Great And Powerful Vote-O-Mat!

April 30, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Big Brother, Elections, Europawahl, German, Germans, Germany, Voting, Wahl-O-Mat 4 Comments

Do you have any idea what the reaction over here would be if this were a freakin’ US-Amerikan invention?

That’s right, the Wahl-O-Mat is a specially designed hi-tech online device that will instruct undecided and/or clueless German voters who to vote for. Just answer 38 questions posed by Spiegel Online ITSELF and something called The Federal Center for Political Literacy and you will gladly be told precisely where to place your X in the upcoming European Election. And not to worry, the Wahl-O-Mat just can’t be evil because, well, it comes from here.

Hmmm. I wonder if these are going to be used in the upcoming Ukrainian referendum, too.

Testen Sie, welche Partei Ihren Ansichten am nächsten kommt!

Gerd Congratulates Vlad

April 29, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Corruption, Crimea, Gerhard Schroeder, German, Germans, Germany, Politicians, Putin, Russia, SPD, Ukraine 2 Comments

No, wait. Or is it Vlad congratulating Gerd? At any rate, there sure is a whole lot of Schroeder-Putin schmoozing going on around here these days.

Photos of Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schroeder sharing an embrace have caused the German government to quickly distance itself from the former Chancellor.

“He does not represent the German government,” a senior government official said when asked about the pictures of Mr Schroeder’s meeting with Mr Putin. “It should be clear to everyone that Mr Schroeder left active politics some time ago.”

Mitten in der Ukraine-Krise wird Altkanzler Gerhard Schröder geknipst, wie er den russischen Präsidenten Wladimir Putin herzlichst umarmt.

Eat More Rich People!

April 28, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Money, Satire, Taxation, Taxes, Wealth 2 Comments

Germans should be ashamed of themselves. Again, I mean. The amount of personal wealth just keeps on rising here – another 79 billion this past quarter – and has reached yet another historic level. The Germans, it seems, have never been richer. And this, as we all know, is a bad thing.

Haven’t you people ever heard of Umverteilung (redistribution) over here? What do you need all that damned money for? It’s not like it’s yours or anything. Well it is but it isn’t, if you know what I’m sayin’. And who says it doesn’t stink? It stinks that you still have it. What you folks need is leadership like we have now been graced with in New York City itself. You’ve already got all the tax loopholes you’ll be needing so roll up your sleeves and let’s get this party started!

Im vierten Quartal 2013 wuchs das Vermögen der privaten Haushalte in Form von Bargeld, Wertpapieren, Bankeinlagen oder Ansprüchen gegenüber Versicherungen im Vergleich zum Vorquartal um rund 79 Milliarden Euro oder 1,6 Prozent auf den historischen Höchstwert von 5,15 Billionen Euro, teilte die Deutsche Bundesbank mit.

German-Led Observers Lead Observer Team Into Captivity

April 27, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Hostages, Humor, OECD, One-Liners, Putin, Russia, Satire, Ukraine, Woody Allen Leave a comment

For more in-depth observation, I assume. And understanding.

Sheesh! I guess these guys must belong to the Woody Allen Brigade or something: “I’m classified as 4P. In case of war, I’m a hostage.”

Pro-Russia rebels have confirmed they are holding a German-led military observer team as hostages in the separatist stronghold of Slavyansk, as they announced plans to proceed with a referendum on May 11 to create a breakaway Donbass People’s Republic in eastern Ukraine.

“The Nato spies will be exchanged for our prisoners.”

Germans Show So Much Understanding For Putin Russia It Hurts

April 25, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Crimea, German, Germans, Germany, Propaganda, Putin, Russia, Ukraine 3 Comments

It sure hurts to read some of this stuff, anyway.

Dear Mr. President, you have called for an economic community from Lisbon to Vladivostok for almost four years. It would be the economic basis for the“common European home”. Ukraine could make a perfect bridge for future cooperation between your intended Eurasian Union and the European Union, not least in cultural terms. We are persuaded that the purpose of the massive influence of the USA is to prevent the Ukraine from becoming such a bridge. The forces which have prevailed in the European Commission are supporting the policy of the United States against Russia.

“The aggression against Russia always comes from the West, Germany should exercise restraint.”

Google Street View Time Travel To Offer Germans Blurred Out Views Of The Past

April 24, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Data Security, German, Germans, Germany, Google, Humor, Paranoia, Privacy, Satire, Street-View, Time Travel Leave a comment

Google Maps Street View has released a revolutionary new “time travel” feature that will allow, among other things, German users the novel opportunity to “go back in time” and see how the blurred out images of their homes in the past compare to the blurred out images of their homes in the present.

Google spokesmen regret that time travel to blurred out images of homes in the future is not yet available but will certainly be introduced as soon as googly possible.

Aus Datenschutzgründen ist die neue Funktion in Deutschland nicht abrufbar.

I Just Knew That Oettinger Pils Would Win

April 23, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Higher Education, Home Cooking Tags: Beer, Bier, German Beer Day, Germans, Germany, Oettinger Pils, Tag des Deutschen Bieres Leave a comment

Not Krombacher, not Bitburger, not Beck’s, not Warsteiner.

Oettinger Pils is Germany’s favorite beer.

Nope, I never heard of it either, but on “German Beer Day” anything can happen, I guess. Do they have to taste test those 5000 different brands of German beer, too?

Jahr für Jahr wird der Erlass des bayerischen Reinheitsgebotes aus dem Jahr 1516 gefeiert. Mittlerweile gibt es in Deutschland über 5000 verschiedene Biersorten. Der durchschnittliche Pro-Kopf-Konsum von Bier lag im vergangenen Jahr in Deutschland bei etwas über 100 Litern.

We Don’t Need No Special Treatment

April 22, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: Employment, Football, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, IGBAU, Soccer, Special Interest Groups, Unions, World Cup Leave a comment

We don’t need no fraud control
No dark sarcasm at the workplace
Boss man, leave them bums alone

We just want our union members to be able to turn up late for work after watching Germany World Cup games that begin after 10pm, unions say. That’s all.

“It would a noble move by employers if they showed a bit of flexibility during the World Cup.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Germans