Togetherness

August 28, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hideology, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Irak, ISIS, Kurds, Saddam Hussein, Social Democrats, Socialism, SPD, Stress, Terror, Terrorism, Terrorists, Thomas Oppermann 1 Comment

SPD party whip Thomas Oppermann has found it necessary to interrupt his clearly less than busy summer vacation to explain to Germans who already know that it is the United States ITSELF that is directly responsible for the rise of the ISIS terrorist group and their atrocities in Iraq.

The American intervention and overthrow of Saddam Hussein ten years ago, so the reasoning goes, ruined the “togetherness” that had predominated under the peoples and religions down there up until then. While their fearless leader was still around to take care of things like togetherness and stuff like that, I mean. Whatever.

But not to worry, folks. Six (that’s the number between five and seven) German soldiers have now been sent to the area to calm things down and clean things up.

Personally, I think that this guy needs to extend his vacation another month. He’s obviously stressed out and can’t see very clearly at the moment. Not only do Germans get terribly stressed out just watching TV (while on vacation or otherwise), a new study also indicates that the enormous stress Germans are generally under can lead to vision impairment, too.

Die US-Intervention habe das Miteinander der Völker und Religionen im Irak zerstört.

German Of The Day: Lösegeld

August 24, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hate, Heconomy, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Hostages, IS, Islamic State, James Foley, Ransom, Syria, Terror, Terrorists Leave a comment

That means ransom.

You know, like the ransom Germany just paid IS terrorists in Syria to free a 27 year-old German who wandered down there “not being aware of the threat posed there now by the ‘Islamic State.'”

The German government officially denies having paid the ransom, of course, but they have a long tradition of doing this. Paying the ransom and then denying that they did, I mean. And this is a very sound policy, I find, because by doing so they never have to deny that paying ransom to terrorists for German hostages only encourages them to take other hostages and then kill them later when the ransom is not paid.

Zahlte Deutschland Lösegeld? Does a bear scheißt in the woods?

Ronald McDonald Could Take The Stand At Attempted Bonn Bombing Trial

March 16, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Bombing, Bonn, Cameras, Humor, Islamist Militants, McDonald's, Satire, Surveillance, Terror, Terrorists, Videos Leave a comment

After having placed charges against four alleged Islamist militants for plotting a failed bomb attack at the Bonn railway station in 2012, German authorities have now contacted the McDonald’s Corporation to try to find out how it could be so easy for them to deliver the incriminating video while the German security cameras aimed at the platform where the explosive device was found didn’t even, well, you know, like exist.

“Our main interest is in establishing how the hell they got permission to install those things here in Germany, and from whom,” one authority said. “It would be really cool if we could do the same thing here too, you know?”

“Of course we also want to make sure that McDonald’s understands the complex implications involved when it comes to questions of video surveillance and matters of privacy in our country,” he continued. “They can’t just go around spying on people in their restaurants like that, you know.”

Die Ungläubigen sollen Blut weinen.

No Spy Deal Now No No Spy Deal

January 14, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Eavesdropping, Edward Snowden, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Naivete, No Spy, NSA, Satire, Terror, Terrorists Leave a comment

As Washington said it would announce reforms to its National Security Agency (NSA) later in the week, German media were already focused on a likely disappointing outcome for Berlin in talks on a “no spy” arrangement.

Oh, I dunno. Other than Washington not promising to stop listening in on politicians’ calls or say when they are listening in on Chancellor Angela Merkel’s mobile phone (or whoever else) or not allowing the Germans access to an alleged listening post on top of US embassy in Berlin, I’d say those “no spy” arrangement talks are moving along pretty well.

Doch der Fehler liegt woanders: in einer naiven Erwartungshaltung. Dass die Drahtzieher des 11. September aus Hamburg kamen, ist den Amerikanern immer noch präsent. Dass es zahlreiche Deutsche gibt, die sich nach Syrien aufgemacht haben, um dort an der Seite von Islamisten zu kämpfen, ebenfalls.

When The German Anti-Terror Units Aren’t Sick The German Taliban Are

December 3, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria Tags: Afghanistan, Bundeswehr, Disease Mongering, Fake Illnesses, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hypochondria, Justice, Law, Legalese, Legality, Satire, Taliban, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

Only Germans can come up with Pretraumatic Stress Disorder. But now we can take this puppy up a notch higher.

“German Taliban” Josef D. (the guy in the middle with the skin problem) joins a terrorist group, gets himself a Kalaschnikow, goes to Afghanistan intending to do that jihad thing but then gets Durchfall (diarrhea) and therefore cannot take part in all the cool attacks planned on US installations there so he has to return home to Germany where he promptly gets busted (I’m not sure for what, though).

Now his lawyer informs us that his Schuldfähigkeit (legal culpability) needs to be looked into very intensely and thoroughly-like because not only does this guy have terrible awful diarrhea problems, he also suddenly seems to be suffering from some kind of mysterious mental disorder. Uh, wait a minute. Don’t all terrorists suffer from some kind of mysterious mental disorder?

Anyways, this all has a certain logic to it if you ask me. Germany is the number one country when it comes to doctor visits, after all. Politicians get sick and throw in the towel here all the time. German intellectuals regularly get ill or “burn out” while analyzing the world around them. A huge portion of German youth suffers from “social phobia” and half a million Germans are hopelessly “addicted” to the Internet. Hell, even the German Pope gets sick and has to go into early retirement, for crying out loud.

It’s just not easy being a German, I guess. Without getting sick, I mean. But like doesn’t somebody out there – who is German – have to do it?

Wegen einer chronischen Durchfallerkrankung habe er aber nicht an Anschlägen und Angriffen der Gruppe auf afghanische und US-Einrichtungen teilnehmen können, so die Bundesanwaltschaft.

If It Works, Fix It

November 17, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Bureaucracy, Crime Fighting, Drones, Fluglärm, German, Germans, Germany, Graffiti, Humor, Satire, Security, Surveillance, Terror, Terrorists, Vandalism 1 Comment

This is another one of those “only in Germany” numbers. Or maybe it isn’t (I’m slowly losing track of what’s going on out there in “the real world”).

The Deutsche Bahn’s program to use small drones to patrol railyards by night in a bid to fight graffiti spraying graffiti terrorists has suffered a setback. Although the test flights worked out just wunderbar, the German Luftsicherheitsbehörden (air security authority) has stopped the program for now as no night flight permits have been permitted – for drones designed to patrol railyards by night. Ordnung muss sein already.

This is actually a bit of a relief for me, to tell you the truth. Before reading the article I was convinced that the flights had been cancelled due to Fluglärm issues. Fluglärm (aircraft noise) is a big honking major awesome all-important obsession for all Germans at all times in all regions and all locations all over the country (and tomorrow the world) and I was sure that I was about to read how these mini-drones were simply too loud for the Anwohner (local residents), whoever or wherever they were.

Whew! That wasn’t the case, like I said. At least not this time. But let’s just wait and see what happens when/if these things are ever actually allowed to fly.

“Die Tests sind exzellent gelaufen, ein hervorragendes Einsatzmittel. Jedoch erteilen die Luftsicherheitsbehörden der Länder derzeit keine Fluggenehmigung für die Nachtstunden.”

Germans Shocked To Learn That American Drones Are Not Being Used To Fight Graffiti

May 30, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Drones, German, Germans, Germany, Graffiti, Somalia, Terrorism, Terrorists Leave a comment

While Germans are in the process of introducing small drones to patrol railyards by night in a bid to fight graffiti spraying terrorists, many were shocked to learn that American drones (piloted by soldiers stationed in Stuttgart and Ramstein) are being used to fight terrorists of another caliber in Somalia.

This puts Germans in a moral dilemma (something they are not at all accustomed to), because this yucky business of using drones to kill people who are planning to kill you (as in you Americans) is wrong because we (as in you Americans) are somehow responsible for having turned these terrorists into terrorists in the first place and if yucky things like piloting drones absolutely positively has to take place then it should take place on American soil and nowhere near a pleasant and peaceful place like Germany were yucky things of this nature are ausgeschlossen (impossible) from the get-go. Except for a little graffiti here and there, maybe. You see, we (as in we Germans) are pacifists.

In other words go ahead if you must, but not here. Because we know nothing, Colonel Hogan, nothing!

“Die Tötung eines Tatverdächtigen mithilfe einer bewaffneten Drohne außerhalb eines bewaffneten Konflikts” könne, wenn die Bundesregierung davon wisse und nicht protestiere, die “Beteiligung an einem völkerrechtlichen Delikt sein.”

German Security Officials Now Ready To Consider Introducing More McDonald’s Restaurants

December 17, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Big Brother, Bombings, Bonn, CCTV, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, McDonald's, Paranoia, Satire, Security, Surveillance, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

After the German city of Bonn narrowly escaped a deadly bombing last week – and unable to locate the suspected radical Islamist perpetrators due to a lack of recorded surveillance images – German authorities are now ready to consider intensifying the use of CCTV surveillance in Germany by dramatically increasing the number of McDonald’s restaurants allowed to open for business here.

“Violent criminals could be deterred and crimes and planned attacks more quickly cleared up with increased McDonald’s video technology in public spaces,” one Interior Ministry spokesman said. “I mean, like we’ve got to do something now, don’t we?”

The only surveillance images that could help the police in the hunt for the Bonn perpetrators come from the McDonald’s fast food chain. Unlike Deutsche Bahn, the McDonald’s restaurant on Platform 1 did record activity with its surveillance cameras.

Ronald McDonald Sees All

December 13, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Big Brother, Bombings, Bombs, Bonn, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, McDonald's, Paranoia, Satire, Surveillance, Terrorism, Terrorists Leave a comment

You can run, suspected terrorist types, but you can’t hide from the Golden Arches.

After discovering and destroying a “highly dangerous” explosive device at Bonn’s central train station, German police are now patting themselves on the back for having already made their first arrest in the case, all thanks to the dreaded (in Germany) security camera footage in use there.

No, not the footage from the security cameras aimed at the platform where the device was found – there was no coverage there – this footage came from the security cameras used at the central station’s US-Amerikan McDonald’s restaurant.

You know, die totale Überwachung (the total surveillance) state and all that? Germans don’t like that kind of stuff for some reason (that terrorist suspect dude doesn’t like it much either, I bet). It has to do with data privacy or Google Street View or something. I forget.

Would you like fries with that?

Zwar appellieren Datenschützer, bei der Überwachung öffentlichen Raumes die Verhältnismäßigkeit zu wahren. Doch etwa in Ballungszentren Großbritanniens hat man sich an flächendeckende Kamerapräsenz längst gewöhnt – und davon kann die Polizei häufig profitieren.

This Just In: The Taliban Is Violent And Yucky

November 4, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hate, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Drugs, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Ideology, Islam, Religion, Taliban, Terror, Terrorists Leave a comment

Infidel is in, again. Or at least it is for the 27-year-old German who had travelled to Waziristan with his wife intending to free the area from the “infidel occupiers” after they had converted to Islam.

He has now returned to Germany because, well, he was “disheartened by the violence and annoyed with the group’s macho and drug-taking world.”

The former fighter also complained of the unhygienic conditions in the war-torn lands of Pakistan’s Waziristan province and Afghanistan that left him infected with hepatitis, and which were, in his opinion, “incompatible with the teachings of the Koran”.

Holy crap. The Taliban is violent? Wow, like nobody had told me about that either, dude. We feel your pain (in the ass). So welcome back to the real, as in infidel world.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Terrorists