German Of The Day: Lebenslänglich

That means life-long, like in a life-long prison sentence?

Prison

That’s what this guy here got for killing that young woman there (and someone else not pictured), pretty much televised live. Actually, he got two life-long prison sentences. And that’s why he’s getting out of prison now because life-long in Germany, as in life-long prison sentence life-long, means 15 years and since he was sentenced in 1991 that means that, well, I dunno, he’s been in there a whole lot of years and it’s only fair that he be allowed to come out now, right?

Das Landgericht in Essen hatte die beiden Männer 1991 zu lebenslanger Haft verurteilt.

German Intelligence Service Devises Diabolically New And Original Espionage Technique

But don’t tell anybody you heard it from me.

Spy

It goes like this: The BND is soon going to start monitoring users of social networks like Facebook and Twitter in something they are referring to here as “Echtzeit.” “Echtzeit” can roughly be translated as “real-time” and means that said users will be monitored – now get this – live. That’s right. Like while it’s actually happening?

Let me repeat this so you will understand the implications of what it is I’m saying here: They will actually be seeing what these people are typing while they are actually typing it. Just like you and I and everybody else on Facebook and Twitter the world over are doing already, I mean. Like how creepy is that?

Befreundete Nachrichtendienste seien methodisch viel weiter

Berlin Convicts Unionize For Minimum Security

I mean for minimum wage. I kid you not. Here’s another one of those “I don’t make this stuff up, people” stories.

Union

Only in Berlin can prison inmates set up the the world’s first union for prisoners so they can campaign to get a minimum wage and a pension plan for convicts.

Hey guys, you forgot about the early retirement part. Hardy, har, har.

And what are they going to call your pension plan, anyways? Social High Security? Yuckity yuck.

Häftlinge der Justizvollzugsanstalt fordern einen Mindestlohn für Inhaftierte und eine Rentenversicherung

Half Of All Germans Too Fat?

And here you thought that Americans were too fat. And they are.

Fat

Ah… screw it. Let’s go out today (Happy Vatertag, Männer) and refocus our thoughts on something more positive and drink a swimming pool of beer! Yee-haw!

Fast ein Drittel der Weltbevölkerung ist übergewichtig oder fettleibig.

Same procedure as every year, men.

What Do You Mean BEFORE World War II?

“Given the horror of the Second World War where the guilt of course strongly lies with Germany and we take responsibility for the terror of National Socialism, we haven’t in Germany had the First World War so much in mind.”

WWI

One indication of Germans’ interest has been the success of the best-seller “The Sleepwalkers” by Australian Christopher Clark…

Experts and critics put the German success of the nearly 900-page title down to the book’s premise that Germany and the Austro-Hungarian Empire didn’t play any greater role than other countries in starting the war.

“People are delighted,” Historian Gerd Krumeich of Duesseldorf University said, sarcastically. “Among German intellectuals there was the conviction that everything led us to Hitler. Clark liberates us from all that by saying to us ‘you’re not more aggressive than the others’,” he said.

All The Butts. All The Time.

Enraged by the German Bild‘s publication of Kate Middleton’s bare butt…

Butt

several British newspapers have retaliated by publishing butt shots of just about anybody’s butt you can imagine who’s a girl. Butt really, isn’t it time for us to leave all of this behind behind us?

The revealing snaps were taken when Kate’s blue dress blew up in an unfortunate ‘Marilyn moment’ during her official tour of Australia last month.

No British magazine or newspaper would print the photo so they were sold overseas in a move which will no doubt deeply dismay Prince William and Kate.

Why Are These Eurosceptic Parties Winning?

The professional Europeans in Brussels made clear that they don’t want this to happen.

Alternative

So what do they do then? They do what they always do: Ignore what just happened and carry on with EU business as usual, whatever that is. Well, one thing we do know about EU business as usual in the meantime is that it is carried out by a Brussels political elite that Jane and Joe European simply does not understand nor feel represented by.

Not that anyone out there cares or anything, but the voter turnout for this latest round of European elections was absolutely pathetic and those who did vote voted in one-fifth of the new European Parliament’s seats to political parties critical of the EU’s previous policy, whatever that was. You would think that the elite would finally get the message here, right? Nope. It ain’t happening. And that’s why it ain’t happening with Europe.

I know. Why doesn’t Brussels consider acknowledging this overwhelming European apathy and start respecting how those Europeans who did vote have voted and slowly start the process of giving back competencies to the countries in question? You know, decentralize and let Europeans start deciding more for themselves at the local level again? Na. Wozu (what for)? If it wasn’t decided in Brussels, it didn’t happen.

Für den schlichten Normaleuropäer sei der schwierige Konsensfindungsprozess in der EU zu komplex. Der leider etwas beschränkte Bürger wisse gar nicht, wie gut die EU für ihn sei. So redet sich die „europäische Elite“ das Wahlergebnis schön und blendet die Tatsache der drastisch schwindenden Zustimmung aus.

PS: Speaking of winning, Tempelhof loses. I mean wins?

Only In Germany Can You Emasculate A Traffic Light

The city of Berlin may be poor but sexy, but it is not poor but sexy enough to not be able to scrape up enough needed tax euros to introduce a traffic light woman quota.

Quota

I don’t make this stuff up, people.

“Women need to be more present in the appearances of our capital’s streets,” Martina Matischok-Yesilcimen, Germany’s Social Democratic Party district leader who signed a recent motion (PDF) to introduce female walk signals, told Bloomberg News.

“We’re a diverse city, and that deserves to be seen.”

PS: And have a happy election day or something while you’re at it.