German Military To Acquire Armed Drones They Will Never Use

Germany’s military is planning to acquire armed drones which they will never use in a zillion years its Defense Minister said on Friday, reigniting a heated debate in Germany over the ethics of not using such aircraft.

Drones

The drones would protect German soldiers in dangerous situations, if we would ever use them that is, which of course we wouldn’t, as German soldiers are never put in dangerous situations in the first place, Thomas de Maiziere told the German government’s YouTube channel in an interview.

Critics of such German drone non-strikes argue that they would end up failing to kill high numbers of innocent civilians and that they would frequently not be launched across sovereign states’ borders – far more frequently than conventional attacks by piloted German aircraft that are never ever launched from anywhere to anyplace, either.

Prior to the official announcement, German opposition lawmakers had already condemned the pointless purchase of the useless, lame-ass, purposeless armed drones, with the head of the Greens parliamentary group Juergen Trittin saying that they could lower the threshold for German military non-engagement even lower than it already is.

“We have a gap in our capabilities which we want to close.”

Me No Steal Golden Cookie

And me no negotiate with cookie terrorists, either, if I were you.

Cookie

Das Unternehmen stellte in Aussicht, 52 000 Packungen Leibniz Kekse an 52 soziale Einrichtungen zu spenden, sollte das von der Fassade des Stammhauses gestohlene Wahrzeichen wieder auftauchen.

Heino Schlägt Zurück!

Heino (himself), the avenging angel of German Volksmusik, retaliates.

Avenging Engel

Tired of being verarscht (spoofed) by everybody else in the German music industry (and just about everywhere else, for that matter), he has now begun a winter offensive by offending bands like Rammstein and Die Ärzte. By covering their songs, I mean.

They clearly never saw it coming. And word is they don’t like it. The Spießer (bourgeois squares).

Der Schlagerbarde singt die Lieder derer, die ihn bisher so gern verhöhnten. Aber wehren können sie sich dagegen nicht.

A Boy Named Sue

As in I’ll sue you! Geez. Berlin’s mayor Klaus Wowereit is all touchy these days for some reason. The guy clearly can’t lighten up and take a joke. Not like in the good old Party Klaus days, I mean.

Olivia and Klaus

Now he’s even unleashed his lawyer after German transvestite Olivia Jones made a suggestive comment about him (Klaus) and her, I mean him (Olivia) on trash TV’s finest: Jungle Camp.

Wait a minute. Shouldn’t she ought to sue herself for suggesting that she had anything to do with Klaus Wowereit? I sure the hell would. Talk about defamation of character.

„Wowereit? Ist das nicht dein … dein … dein …“ „Ja – aber das war doch nur einmal!“

How About Berlin Brandenburg Willy-Nilly Instead?

Or maybe Berlin Brandenburg Infamy International?

Willy

For now, Berlin’s new airport is officially called Willy Brandt Airport after the former Germ chancellor and Nobel Peace Prize winner widely acknowledged to have been one of post-war Germany’s greatest leaders.

But the image of the airport has been tarnished so heavily by the construction fiasco surrounding it that the Willy Brandt Foundation appears to regret the choice of name.

“Willy Brandt would probably turn in his grave if he knew that he’s supposed to give his name to this catastrophic airport.”

“Laser”

Dr. Evil: [about his new “laser“] You see, I’ve turned the moon into what I like to call a “Death Star”. [Scott snickers]

Laser

German defense firm Rheinmetall Defense used a new high-energy laser weapons system to shoot fast-moving drones at a distance. The system, which uses two laser weapons, was also used to cut through a steel girder a kilometer away.

All I can say is thank goodness this technology is in German hands. That way it will only be used for peaceful purposes. You know, like making money, and stuff like that.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The Joys Of Aging

Helmut Berger starts out as Dorian Gray,

Dorian Gray

only to end up as Dorian Gray (the painting),

Helmut Berger

throwing in the sweat-drenched towel on day two of RTL’s Dschungelcamp (The Jungle Camp) in Australia.

“Das klingt jetzt blöd, aber ich bin auch nur’n Mensch.”