German Spies Spying For American Spies Shocked To Discover That American Spies Were Actually Of The Spy Variety

May 7, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, BND, Espionage, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

After years of close cooperation with the NSA, Germany’s BND has now suddenly reduced this cooperation upon finding out that the information they had been furnishing the NSA with was being used for espionage purposes.

“Who would have thought that?” asked one high-ranking German spy official with a paper bag on his head. “We all figured that that list of 40,000 selectors (IP addresses, search terms and names) we at the BND used on behalf of the NSA had some other justification. I dunno. I personally assumed they wanted to order pizza or something. But to go and spy on other folks like that? No way. We don’t want anything to do with that kind of Scheiße.”

It still remains to be seen whether this list can be released, as that depends on what arrangements were made with the US by the then government [of Gerhard Schröder] after the dramatic events of September 11.

Do They Strike This Much In Greece?

May 5, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: ATMs, Berlin, Cash, Germany, Greece, Labor, Labor Unions, Strikes, Trains, Unions Leave a comment

European travelers have contended for weeks with the possibility that Greece’s dwindling finances might lead to empty ATMs. They should have concerned themselves instead with Germany.

While cash machines in Athens are still operating without any trouble, striking couriers in Berlin this week stopped filling ATMs, leading to a crunch for those trying to make withdrawals. And the open-ended labor dispute with a local security company means there’s no end in sight.

Berlin’s strike is the latest in a series of walkouts that have riled a nation more accustomed to mocking the labor strife which has so often beset neighboring France. A strike by train drivers that began Tuesday is paralyzing travel and clogging highways throughout Germany. That action follows a March walkout by pilots at Deutsche Lufthansa AG that led to flight cancellations for 220,000 people.

Our Espionage Doesn’t Stink

May 4, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, CIA, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Security, Spying, Terrorism 1 Comment

On the one hand, we as German spies only do nice spying and would never spy on friends much less on other other nice Germans like ourselves.

“But on the other hand, intelligence agencies are working to ensure the public’s safety and the German government will do everything it can to ensure that it can carry out its job.

“And this ability to carry out its duties in the face of international terrorism threats is done in cooperation with other intelligence agencies, and that includes first and foremost the NSA.”

Deutschland regt sich über eine Spionageaffäre auf. Dabei wäscht seit Jahrzehnten unter den westlichen Diensten eine Hand die andere. Wir sollten endlich realistisch mit dem Thema Sicherheit umgehen.

German Of The Day: Krawalltourismus

May 1, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Anarchism, Berlin, Demonstrations, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Riots, Violence, Workers Leave a comment

That means “violent demonstration tourism,” more or less. And May Day (or International Workers’ Day) is booked out completely for this every year in Berlin.

These international workers are off that day, you see. And it’s a bewitching event that these folks just can’t afford to miss. You know, tradition and all that?

Weder mystisch noch romantisch. Für die Berliner Polizei steht run um die Maifeiertage viel Arbeit an.

Germans Can’t Figure Out Why Germans Keep Disappearing

April 30, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking Tags: Aging, Birth Rates, Demographics, Germans, Germany, Humor, Immigration, Interventionism, Satire, Sex Education 6 Comments

Suffering from one of the lowest birth rates in the EU and xenophobic to the core (although officially in denial about this), Germans everywhere (or at least where you can still find them) are puzzled by the continued drop in Germany’s population.

Federal statistics office Destatis said Germany was expected to have between 68 and 73 million inhabitants by 2060, compared to its current 81 million.

I think it’s time for even more concentrated government intervention, don’t you? More sex education efforts, for instance.

“It won’t fall below the 2013 level until at least 2023.”

German Of The Day: Heimatfilme

April 29, 2015 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, CIA, Claire Danes, Films, German, Germans, Germany, Homeland, Language, Terrorism, TV Series 2 Comments

Heimatfilm (German pronunciation: [ˈhaɪmatˌfɪlm], German for “homeland-film“; German plural: Heimatfilme) is the name given to a film genre that was popular in Germany, Switzerland, and Austria from the late 1940s to the early 1970s. They were usually shot in the Alps, the Black Forest, or the Lüneburg Heath and always involved the outdoors. These films were noted for their rural settings, sentimental tone and simplistic morality, and centered on love, friendship, family and non-urban life. Also, the polarity between old and young, tradition and progress, and rural and urban life was articulated. The typical plot structure involved both a “good” and “bad” guy wanting a girl, conflict ensuing, and the “good” guy ultimately triumphing to win the girl to the happiness of everyone and the children.

Well that’s cool and all but I guess they’ve tweaked the genre around a bit because they’re going to film the next bunch of “homeland-films” with lots of guns and blood and terror and stuff right here in not so non-urban Berlin itself. But still.

The fifth series will pick up two-and-a-half years after the previous one ended, with main character Carrie Mathison out of the Middle East and in self-imposed exile in the German Capital.

Dial M For Merkel

April 27, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Debt, EU, Euro, Eurozone, Germany, Government spending, Greece, Merkel, Socialists, Tsipras Leave a comment

And something tells me there was a lot of heavy breathing during this telephone conversation, too.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras made an uncexpected telephone call to German Chancellor Angela Merkel that nobody wants to comment about officially.

Bild newspaper reported on Monday that Tsipras had called Merkel as well as Euro group head Jeroen Dijsselbloem to try to convince them of the need for more help for Greece and for the need for an emergency meeting of EU leaders this week.

Bild said the reason for the call is that the Greek government has run out of money

“It’s on fire and there’s no water there to put out the fire. The situation is more than dramatic.”

Plan B For Bankrupt

April 26, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Debt, Euro, Eurogruppe, Eurozone, Germany, Greece, Grexit, Schäuble, Varoufakis Leave a comment

Tick tock tick tock…

German Finance Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble hinted on Saturday that Berlin was preparing for a possible Greek default, drawing a parallel with the secrecy of German reunification plans in 1989.

“You shouldn’t ask responsible politicians about alternatives,” Schaeuble answered, adding one only need to use one’s imagination to envisage what could happen.

He indicated that if he were to answer in the affirmative that ministers were working on a Plan B — what to do when Greece runs out of money and cannot pay back its debt — he could trigger panic.

“Da ist überhaupt nichts dran. Der Plan B wurde nicht diskutiert.”

German Intelligence Insults German Intelligence

April 24, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Intelligence, NSA, Spying 1 Comment

When the NSA asks for INFO from the BND they get it ASAP. Or at least they used to.

Germany’s intelligence service, the Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND), has been helping the NSA spy on European politicians and companies for years, according to the German news magazine Der Spiegel. The NSA has been sending lists of “selectors”—identifying telephone numbers, e-mail and IP addresses—to the BND, which then provides related information that it holds in its surveillance databases…

Investigators found that the BND had provided information on around 2,000 selectors that were clearly against European and German interests. Not only were European businesses such as the giant aerospace and defense company EADS, best-known as the manufacturer of the Airbus planes, targeted, so were European politicians—including German ones.

I still can’t figure out where the intelligence part comes in here.

What Would Gazprom Gerd Do?

April 22, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Antitrust Proceedings, EU, Gazprom, Gerhard Schroeder, German, Germans, Germany, Putin Leave a comment

Or what will he do, I should ask. Duh. Talk about your no-brainer. You can say what you want about Gerd, but at least he’s consistent.

The European Union has accused Russian energy giant OAO Gazprom of hindering competition and charging unfair prices in the natural-gas markets of Central and Eastern Europe, in a move that risks deepening a rift with Moscow.

“Gazprom has been able to charge higher prices in some countries without fearing gas would flow in from resellers or where the prices were lower.”

Wer ein Staatsunternehmen straft, meint auch den Staat. Moskau versteht die Botschaft des Kartellverfahrens gegen den russischen Gas-Giganten sehr wohl – und wird antworten.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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