Category Archives: Humor
Big Sister Assures Germans That 47-Percent Price Hike Actually Not Such A Bad Thing If You Think About It
Not.
Worried about grassroots unrest after Germany’s electrical grid operators announced they were nearly doubling the charge consumers will pay to finance subsidies for renewable energy as Germany phases out nuclear power, Big Sister herself has reacted boldly and decisively by going into hiding and pretending as if none of this were really happening.
Long used to this tactic, worried German consumers were assured, sort of, as they will now be paying an additional 60 euros per year, “taking overall add-on power taxes up to about 185 euros.” But that’s just the start, of course.
Sheesh. Why do Germans see everthing energy turnaround-related so negatively these days? You know, like as in black? Or like as in blackouts, I should say?
“The costs for consumers and industry of the electricity price charge for renewable energy has risen to an unbearable degree.”
This Still Doesn’t Beat Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize
But it comes close.
Many euroskeptics clearly just don’t get it. Of course the Norwegian Nobel Committee’s decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union is “beyond parody,” “laughable” and an “April Fool’s Joke.” That’s been the whole point of the thing for years now.
Hasn’t it?
In Britain, Friday’s award has been the subject of particularly heated commentary. Iain Martin, a columnist with the conservative Daily Telegraph dismissed the prize as “beyond parody.” He writes that the prize has been awarded prematurely because “we have no idea how the experiment to create an anti-democratic federation will end.” Besides, he writes, “daftest of all is the notion that the EU itself has kept the peace.” Instead, he writes, it was the Brits and the Americans who brought peace to the Continent.
Even the EU-friendly Economist columnist Charlemagne writes, “Hmmm,” questioning the timing of the award, given that the EU is currently threatened with a break-up.
German “Critical Thinking” vs. American Debate Culture
Here is another interesting German commentary by American Eric T. Hansen in Die Zeit.
I’d like to translate it all, but I can’t, so I won’t (no time). Here are a few highlights, though:
Critical thinking does not allow for self-criticism. Where would we be then?
Critical thinking is not debating, it’s finding concensus, or, as I call it, harmony nagging (Harmonienörgeln): Two people criticize a third person so long until the two become friends.
If I want to hear a new or even a different perspective on something, I have to turn to the Anglo-American press. Regarding certain questions – for instance whether nuclear energy, genetically modified corn or having Mitt Romney as president might also have certain advantages – many of my German friends are not even aware that two sides to these arguments even exist.
I too understand Mitt Romney’s positions quite well and suspect that he would make just as good (or bad) a president as Obama. In America that makes me an intellectual. In Germany that makes me a right-winger.
Everything is so serious for the Germans, and they need to know immediately: “Who is my friend, who is my enemy?” For Americans and their debate clubs, however, there is always an element of playfulness involved.
Auch ich verstehe die Positionen eines Mitt Romney gut und ahne, dass er ein ebenso guter (oder schlechter) Präsident wie Obama wäre. In Amerika macht mich das zu einem Intellektuellen. In Deutschland macht mich das zu einem Rechten.
Well I Thought It Was Real News, Too
German news is reporting that Iranian news is reporting that American news is reporting that a Gallup poll is reporting how rural white Americans prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama.
Unfortunately (did I just write unfortunately?), this was just another satirical piece by The Onion. Dumb Iranians.
“I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.”
When Will The Hurt Feelings Ever End?
Germany has decided to take precautionary measures and will now be closing its embassies in Muslim countries after word got out that Bettina Wulff is currently planning to produce a Muhammad film.
“We have intensified security precautions everywhere in the region, and in some cases increased security personnel too.”
Kraut ist Out
The new German national stereotypes are in! From the furious citizen to power Ossis, they’re everywhere these days. My personal favorite here is the Bio-Bourgeois (Organic Bourgeois).
“The German Organic Bourgeois still recycle their garbage, but donate about half the amount to charitable organizations that their British counterparts do. The Organic Bourgeois select their own green power providers, carry handmade linen shopping bags and drink their own favorite organic limonade brands, but that’s about it.”
Bio-Bourgeois recyclen ihren Müll, geben jedoch nur halb so viel Spenden für Wohlfahrtsverbände aus wie ihre britischen Pendants. Der Bio-Bourgeois sucht sich einen Ökostromanbieter, trägt eine handgemachte Leinentasche oder trinkt eine Bio-Marken-Limonade, aber mehr auch nicht.
The German Petty Bourgeoisie At Its/Their Best
One thing that all Germans have in common is their absolute disgust for all things kleinbürgerlich (petty bourgeois). You know; being small-minded, scrupulously orderly, old fashioned, reactionary, banal, provencial, dilettante and, well, “square?”
Another thing that all Germans have in common is that they are small-minded, scrupulously orderly, old fashioned, reactionary, banal, provencial, dilettante and, well, “square.” You know, kleinbürgerlich?
Take this latest tourist-bashing craze going on by the Enlightened Left in Berlin (the way coolest, least kleinbürglich city in Germany), please:
“Noisy tourists go home!” reads one hostile sign in the eastern district of Friedrichshain. “Berlin doesn’t love you,” say stickers plastering traffic lights in nearby Kreuzberg.
A gallery in an area known for its trendy bars featured for months a scrawled sign in the window: “Sorry, no entry for hipsters from the U.S.”
Being petty bourgeois here isn’t pretty, folks. It never has been. But it sure is petty. And somebody’s got to do it. I just wish they’re weren’t so many volounteers here all the time.
This German Woman Right Here Knows Practically Nothing About Computers
And German men want to keep it that way. You know, so they can help them and stuff? Again and again and again?
The latest Bitkom survey has found out that only half of all German women have halfway sort of somewhat decent computer skill knowledge. And the other half are real turkeys (especially the younger ones). So let’s keep it that way.
Selbst beim Anschließen von Druckern und beim Versenden von Emails scheitern sie.
Berlin Air Show To Be Held At Creepy Unfinished Ghost Airport
In a move meant to liven up the world’s oldest and perhaps stodgiest air and space trade fair, organizers of Germany’s ILA have decided to hold this year’s show on the grounds of Berlin’s infamous haunted Berlin-Brandenburg Ghost Airport.
Local legend has it that the abandoned ghost airport, originally planned to actually be completed one day and used as a real airport with real airplanes and passangers and the whole bit, fell under the curse of a group of disgruntled Brandenburg witches protesting potential Fluglärm (fly-over noise) and can never be completed until Berlin’s city government presents its first balanced budget or hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
A spotless new runway, so far unused for commercial flights, will finally feel the burn of rubber.
Observing Hermann 