German Peace Movement Thanks Grass

When not smoking it, I mean.

Literally dozens of German peaceniks hit the streets for Easter peace marches over the weekend calling for all things peace-like and supporting everything from peace visionary/poet Günter Grass to anti-death penalty protestation in front of the war mongering US-Amerikan Embassy in Berlin (Amerikans (they are Amerikans) not to mention Israelis (they are Jewish) no like peace, speak with forked toungue, kill Indians and Palestinians and conspire to do many, many other bad things all the time even right now as we speak).

Epiphany time: If only the rest of us could finally open up our hearts and learn from their shining example and give peace a chance and start living together in harmony together the world over, hand in hand, so-to-speak, with goodness and niceness for all. The world would be a better place, you know. You f*#!%ers.

“Du bist geblieben, was Du freiwillig geworden bist: der SS-Mann, der das 60 Jahre verschwiegen hat, aber den Bundeskanzler Kohl anpöbelte, weil der Hand in Hand mit einem amerikanischen Präsidenten einen Soldatenfriedhof besuchte, auf dem auch 40 SS-Gefallene liegen.”

Ya Gotta Have Dreamers

The FDP (Free Democratic Party) may now be fighting for its very survival again in Germany, but this is certainly nothing new. They have always had it tough here, and with good reason: They are the only classical liberal (as in free market) party to be found here for miles around.

The astounding thing about the FDP is that they can even get any votes at all in Germany. Terms like “free market” and “privatization” make most Germans cringe. And if they absolutely positively have to use bad words like that, they prefer more watered-down terminology like “Soziale Marktwirtschaft” instead, an imaginary German construction promising “a middle path between socialism and laissez-faire economic liberalism.” Socialism, in other words.

Anyway, with a big state election coming up in North Rhine-Westphalia next month (end of the month?), the FDP is now pulling out its big guns, as little as they are. Or at least one or two FDP politicians are. One guy called Frank Schäffler, for instance, has seriously suggested a radical program change to include “the elimination of all state aid and the partial privatization of the state-run public broadcasting services ARD and ZDF” in Germany. The key words here are “in Germany,” folks. 

Is this guy a visionary or just plain deranged?

Dream on, FDP. But please, keep on dreaming.

„Mehr Mut zu Recht und Freiheit“

We Don’t Do Humility

We self-righteous high priests of the German political left, I mean. It’s just not our thing.

But what we do do is regularly transform a little imaginary something we call “collective guilt” (World War II guilt, there is no such thing as Communist East Germany guilt) into new products (poems) with new perpetrators (Israel) which we market at irregular intervals to cover our countrymen’s never-ending demand for ritual redemption which of course will never be satisfied, or so we lead them (and us) to believe.

“Membership in the Waffen-SS is normally not a great beginning for a career as keeper of the global conscience. Were I to have joined the Nazi military at age 15, I too would likely be a bit wary of criticizing Holocaust survivors. But that is exactly the problem: Humility was never Grass’ thing. His expertise lies more in self-righteousness.”

An Old School German Intellectual Poetry Attack Par Excellence

Günter Grass has it all: That fat and sassy moral high ground he’s king of the hill of, that left-wing obsession for defending brutal regimes in the name of “world peace,” that Nobel Prize for literature and that SPD party membership book (I’m not sure which one gives him more legitimacy here).

But above all else, he’s got that which all successful peacenik artists and Künstler the world over must invariably have: That inability to keep their mouths shut when it comes to addressing issues they clearly know nothing about.

At the moment Grass is worried about how “the nuclear power Israel is endangering the already fragile world peace” (think Iran) and has written a shockingly predictable poem about it. It must be a real humdinger, too, but to be fair I must admit that I haven’t read it yet and most certainly never will because I’m waiting to read his poem about Iran’s threat to world peace first. I assume that he will publish that one next week, but you know what they say about when you assume things…  Blah, blah, blah. Meet the new school. Same as the old school.

Israel currently has three Dolphin submarines from Germany – one half-funded and two entirely funded by Berlin – two more are currently under construction, and the contract for a sixth submarine was signed last month. Dolphin-class submarines can carry nuclear-tipped missiles, but there is no evidence Israel has armed them with such weapons.

Bust Them, Switzerland

And throw away the key. Those no good criminals. Those German tax collectors who have been trading in stolen Swiss goods.

Switzerland has issued arrest warrants for industrial espionage for three German tax collectors who bought (with German government approval) the bank details of German tax evaders in Switzerland.

“For Germany, the issue is one of tax fraud, leading the country to authorize three tax inspectors to buy leaked stolen data on tax evaders in 2010. This legally dubious approach wasn’t an issue domestically because of the common belief that the state was collecting its alleged due and it effects only ‘the rich.’ But in reality, because Switzerland has different laws, the officials acquired stolen property to use as evidence, and paid the thieves €2.5 million for it. Anyone who dismisses this as a trifle needs legal tutoring.”

“Just imagine how Germany would react were the Chinese government to buy automobile designs from German car company employees to speed up industrial development — with the argument that patent laws are too strong in the West.”

Artistic Productions Like This Cost Money You Know

We’re artists. So give us your, I mean our money.

This is what Germans get for a billion euros of arts subsidies each and every year. Jiminy Crickets. I don’t even want to think about what they’d be getting for less.

Please, Berlin. For the love of all that is holy freakin’ cow. Keep those subsidies coming.

“Der Kulturinfarkt: Von allem zu viel und überall das Gleiche.”

I Thought He’d Never Leave

Contrary to popular belief, Germans have a great sense of humor. What they’re not terribly good at, however, is imitating other comedy formats, something they insist on doing time and time and time again. Harald Schmidt is a prime example of this and – glory hallelujah let the saints be praised – they’ve finally gotten around to cancelling his show for good.

He has been Germany’s late night Tonight-Show-David-Letterman-Conan-O’Brien-like clone for many, way too many years and I’ve never understood why people here pretend that he is funny, but, then again, maybe that’s just me (uh, who else is it going to be?).

I’d give you an example of some of his highbrow, sophisticated humor (see above), but that would only make me feel more aggressive than I do already so go out there and dig up something on YouTube yourself if you absolutely positively have to and good luck with the translation because it won’t be worth it.

Geh mit Gott, Harald, aber geh.

It’s OK That Obama Got Caught Saying That

Der Spiegel rushes to tell us.

Because other politicians have been caught on mic saying bad things, too.

Only they were bad. So there.

“Nach meiner Wahl habe ich mehr Flexibilität.”

Gentrification Giants 1 – Subculture Vultures 0

An evicted group of about 20 subculture artist/activist types chained to the remains of Berlin’s graffiti-covered Tacheles alternative scene “living space” ruin is about to be forcibly dragged out kicking and screaming into German reality by black-clad gentrification special forces troops right here live on TV, I hope, but nobody can tell me when. Or on which channel or anything (maybe later in the Internetz?).

The group is defending “one of Berlin’s last bastions of alternative subculture, and are fighting eviction ahead of plans to develop it (the Tacheles) as an office and luxury apartments complex” and has to be dealt with accordingly, of course. After years of pussyfooting around with them first, I mean.

I would advise them not to let the door hit them on the way out but there are no doors at the Tacheles as they were surely used as firewood  long ago during one of those quaint, Stone Age let’s-not-freeze-to-death-tonight gettogethers so popular with artist types there and elsewhere here in Berlin.

Tacheles “is just the latest in a long line of public spaces that have been lost to private investors” and will surely be missed by all, myself not included.

Darko stands behind an iron gate, his bare chest daubed in red paint with the words “victim of bank.”

PS: This German subculture is not to be confused with this other German subculture here.