1 Percent?

April 20, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Books, E-Books, German, Germans, Germany, Hi-Tech, Humor, Price Fixing, Reading, Satire, Technology 3 Comments

That’s right. E-books only account for 1 percent of all book sales in Germany.

Why is this? Let us count the ways…

Germans believe they cannot read as well on digital reading devices. This is because they have never held a digital reading device in their hands, much less tried to read from one, but still.

Germans are convinced that they are “better” at reading from paper (I don’t make this stuff up, people).

Like savages who believe that a camera captures your soul, Germans believe that an e-book reader captures the souls of the books it, uh, holds captive (OK, that part I did make up).

But the biggest reason of all Germans don’t like e-books and e-book readers is that Germans don’t like technology. Technology that isn’t German, I mean.

“In Germany we’re still at 1 percent, but that’s already an increase of 77 percent from the previous year.”

PS: Of course low e-book sales in Germany might also have to do with the fact that German book prices are set by the German culture mafia (by the publishers!? = you pay the same artificially high price everywhere) so they get to set the e-book prices, too (you can pay up to $25 for one). And although printed books are exempt from Germany’s 19 percent value added tax, e-books aren’t. Not that the system is rigged or anything. I’m just saying.

Germans Now Allowed To Shoot At Pirates

April 19, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, Defense, EU, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Operation Atalanta, Piracy, Pirates, Satire, Somalia, The Use of Force Leave a comment

On land, even. No, not these pirates. These pirates down here.

Well, they won’t actually be shooting at the pirates per se (that would be bad), but more like at their equipment and stuff. You know, at the loot and the booty on the beaches? This will make the pirates run away and never come back again or at least become good or something.

It is all part of the EU’s anti-pirate Operation Atalanta off the Somali coast so it’s OK for Germans to do this, really.

The German opposition continues to criticise the operation as risky overreach for the forces and has vowed to vote against it.

We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

April 17, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Health, Helplessness, Hotness, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Men, Munich, Satire, Sex, Sex Mad, Sex Objects, Sex Roles, Sex Slaves 4 Comments

And it’s all been downhill, if you ask me.

“A Munich disc jockey held for five hours as a sex slave by a 47-year-old German woman said on Monday he would press charges of sexual coercion and deprivation of freedom against a woman he had met just a few hours earlier in a local pub.”

So let me get this straight. The consenting man goes home with the consenting woman to, you know, consent and all that. And then this, uh, man, ends up calling the police to have them “rescue him” after she locked him inside her place, “hid the key and forced him to have repeated sex with her?”

This is beyond me. Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this? I don’t get grossed out easily but I think I’m about to barf.

“She was sex mad and there was no way out.”

We Hate Those Evil American Rating Agencies

April 16, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Europe, Financial crisis, Fitch, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Moody's, Rating Agencies, Satire, Standard & Poor's 2 Comments

But we don’t have the confidence (investor or otherwise) to create one ourselves.

The project to set up a European rating agency to challenge the dominance of American firms is at risk of collapsing, the German business daily Financial Times Deutschland reported on Monday. International consulting firm Roland Berger can’t find enough investors for its plan.

Hey, you-know-what happens. But don’t worry about it, Europe. It’s not like anybody is going to be rating you on this or anything. When in doubt (and you always are), just keep on bitching and moaning instead.

Ihnen wird nicht nur wegen Fehlbewertungen eine Mitschuld an der Finanzkrise gegeben. Auch ihre Rolle bei der Beurteilung der dramatischen Rettungsbemühungen und -konzepte für hochverschuldete Euro-Länder wie Griechenland, Portugal und Irland ist umstritten. Das Urteil der Ratingagenturen prägt letztlich vielfach die Marktreaktionen auf solche Bemühungen.

Ship? What Ship?

April 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Assad, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Iran, Syria, The Atlantic Cruiser, Weapon exports, Weapons, Weapons Embargo Leave a comment

This must have been a big misunderstanding or something. A German-owned freighter loaded with weapons from Iran bound for the Syrian regime of Bashar Assad and stopped on Friday near the Syrian port of Tartus has now disappeared off the watery face of the earth.

Und das ist auch gut so (and a good thing, too), as we all know that Germans would never disregard a weapons embargo, neither for fun nor profit, being the pedantic pacifists they are, so this must have been one of those Fata Morgana things that happen out there on the high seas from time to time.

Weapons from Iran? Maybe it was that infamous ghost ship the S.S. Günter Grass.

Der Frachter, der schweres Militärgerät geladen hat, schaltete seinen Transponder aus und ist nicht mehr zu orten.

At Least He Made It To 65

April 13, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Beamte, Berlin, Civil Servant, Corruption, German, Germans, Germany, Government Jobs, Government Waste, Government Work, Humor, Satire, Waste 3 Comments

Here’s more government in action for you, folks. German Beamte (civil servants). You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them (it’s verboten).

A retiring German public servant has signed off from work by emailing his 500 fellow staff to tell them that he had not done anything for 14 years.

The 65-year-old’s final words in the job were to crow over colleagues and say he had earned more than £600,000 without lifting a finger.

“I do not wish to say anything else.”

Die Lötzsche geht von Bord

April 12, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Bismarck, Communism, Die Linke, German, Germans, Germany, Gesine Lötsch, Humor, Leadership, Politics, Power, Satire, Socialism, The Left Party 1 Comment

Germany‘s Left Party was shocked or something yesterday by the surprise resignation of one of its top two fearless leaders, Gesine Loetszch.

I thought she’d never leave – but I’m going to miss her anyway. Really. She clearly said and did everything wrong you could possibly say and do (it must be hard being a communist who has to pretend not to be), but she still couldn’t get her leaky little Linke ship to sink. Sure, it’s run aground and all that and won’t be sailing anywhere ever again (not that it was ever going anywhere in the first place), but the damned thing just won’t go under.

I guess it’s time to bring in the demolition crew and scuttle this puppy for good.

Der Napoleon von der Saar, die schöne Kommunistin aus Berlin.

SPD Doesn’t Need Günter’s Help Anymore

April 10, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Günter Grass, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iran, Israel, Left-Wing Intellectuals, Politics, Satire, SPD 3 Comments

“We can continue to screw up our image just fine all on our own, thank you,” A party spokesman said.

With comrades like these who needs enemies?

“Seine Zeit ist einfach vorbei.”

German Peace Movement Thanks Grass

April 8, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Günter Grass, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iran, Israel, Pacifism, Peace Marches, Poetry, Satire, The Death Penalty, The Peace Movement 1 Comment

When not smoking it, I mean.

Literally dozens of German peaceniks hit the streets for Easter peace marches over the weekend calling for all things peace-like and supporting everything from peace visionary/poet Günter Grass to anti-death penalty protestation in front of the war mongering US-Amerikan Embassy in Berlin (Amerikans (they are Amerikans) not to mention Israelis (they are Jewish) no like peace, speak with forked toungue, kill Indians and Palestinians and conspire to do many, many other bad things all the time even right now as we speak).

Epiphany time: If only the rest of us could finally open up our hearts and learn from their shining example and give peace a chance and start living together in harmony together the world over, hand in hand, so-to-speak, with goodness and niceness for all. The world would be a better place, you know. You f*#!%ers.

“Du bist geblieben, was Du freiwillig geworden bist: der SS-Mann, der das 60 Jahre verschwiegen hat, aber den Bundeskanzler Kohl anpöbelte, weil der Hand in Hand mit einem amerikanischen Präsidenten einen Soldatenfriedhof besuchte, auf dem auch 40 SS-Gefallene liegen.”

Ya Gotta Have Dreamers

April 6, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, History, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Capitalism, Economic Liberalism, Elections, FDP, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Laissez-faire, Liberalism, Libertarians, Political Parties, Satire, Socialism, The Free Market 2 Comments

The FDP (Free Democratic Party) may now be fighting for its very survival again in Germany, but this is certainly nothing new. They have always had it tough here, and with good reason: They are the only classical liberal (as in free market) party to be found here for miles around.

The astounding thing about the FDP is that they can even get any votes at all in Germany. Terms like “free market” and “privatization” make most Germans cringe. And if they absolutely positively have to use bad words like that, they prefer more watered-down terminology like “Soziale Marktwirtschaft” instead, an imaginary German construction promising “a middle path between socialism and laissez-faire economic liberalism.” Socialism, in other words.

Anyway, with a big state election coming up in North Rhine-Westphalia next month (end of the month?), the FDP is now pulling out its big guns, as little as they are. Or at least one or two FDP politicians are. One guy called Frank Schäffler, for instance, has seriously suggested a radical program change to include “the elimination of all state aid and the partial privatization of the state-run public broadcasting services ARD and ZDF” in Germany. The key words here are “in Germany,” folks.

Is this guy a visionary or just plain deranged?

Dream on, FDP. But please, keep on dreaming.

„Mehr Mut zu Recht und Freiheit“

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hypocrisy