Volkswagen To Build E-Cars

But they haven’t figured out how to equip them with diesel emissions test cheating software yet.

Volkswagen

The sleazy, crooked, dirtball of a company also hopes to introduce more self-driving vehicles in the near future. If those work out, self-purchasing models will be the next logical step. And after that, who knows? The Welt or something.

Volkswagen unveiled a plan for the next decade containing culture change, as it strives to compete in an industry moving towards e-cars, self-driving systems and on-demand mobility – all while it deals with Dieselgate.

Mit Elektroautos in die Zukunft!

The Spy Who Got Left Out In The Cold

Crazy court rulings these days, I tell ya. One court here in Germany, for instance, just ruled that Edward Snowden HIMSELF cannot receive an honorary degree from the University of Rostock

Snowden

This is because – now get this – providing controversial and politically charged intelligence service data does not constitute a scientific achievement.

What do ya thinka that? What a bunch of jurisprudence. Why, that’s absolutely positively, uh… Wait a minute. Sure makes sense to me, come to think of it (is that why this court decision is so outrageous?). But now let’s move on.  So who the hell are these wackos from the University of Rostock?

Ist die Bereitstellung brisanter Geheimdienst-Daten eine besondere wissenschaftliche Leistung oder nicht?

More Gun Control Needed

In Germany.

Gun Control

The citizens of this predominantly pacifist nation still refuse to address this very grave issue (no pun intended) in any meaningful way and therefore remain the world’s third largest exporters of deadly firearms.* Again and again and again. Like, when will they ever learn?

The only nations that export more arms than the Germans are US-Amerika and Russia, much more violent and less enlightened societies that have not yet learned to make atonement for their dreadful, awful pasts like Germany has – thus making it OK for them to be the world’s third largest exporters of deadly firearms, I assume. Es ist einfach kompliziert (it’s simply complicated) over here sometimes. No, make that all the time.

Die umstrittenen Lieferungen an Saudi-Arabien haben dazu beigetragen, dass Deutschland 2015 drittgrößter Waffenexporteur war.

*And tanks. And submarines. You know. And other stuff like that?

Confused Green Youth These Days

We all know how the enlightened left detests flag-waving. You know, flag-waving as in “a fallacious argument or propaganda technique used to justify an action based on the undue connection to nationalism or patriotism or benefit for an idea, group or country,” whatever that means exactly.

Greens

But the Greens in Germany have taken this to a new level. Their youth group has called for German soccer fans to leave their German flags at home during the Euro 2006 because, well, “Patriotismus=Nationalismus. Fußballfans Fahnen runter!” That is, Patriotism = Nationalism. Down with those flags, soccer fans!

How do you get to that point where something as harmless as rooting for your national team becomes a sinister act of rabid warmongering? Without using hallucinogenic drugs to get there, I mean.

Flags

“Besser Patriot als ein Idiot.”

PS: I don’t have a German flag handy but good luck with Ukraine tonight anyway, Germany!

Most Germans Don’t Want Brexit

According to a recent poll, that is. 79 percent of those asked hope that the UK decides to stay in the EU.

Brexit

This is interesting, I find. Because another poll indicates that the Germans are just as skeptical about the European Union as the British are.

A survey by Pew Research Center shows that while Brits may be the ones pushing to split away from the European Union, an equal proportion of Germans also feel negatively towards Brussels. The poll found that 48 percent of Germans have an unfavourable attitude towards the EU, exactly the same proportion as in the United Kingdom.

So what have we learned here? Nothing, as usual. Never trust a statistic you haven’t forged yourself.

Mit 79 Prozent wünscht eine große Mehrheit der Deutschen, dass die Briten sich gegen einen Brexit entscheiden und in der EU bleiben.

PS: Just read a funny comment in the Daily Mail concerning Wolfang Schäuble’s Brexit warning (how it would would shut the UK out of single market). “Germany is really scared stiff of Brexit as they are likely to be the only country funding all the other free loading countries if the UK leaves. He also needs reminding that the only reason the EU exists is because Germany couldn’t stop killing its neighbors.”

A German National Soccer Team With Only Germans On It?

Ouch. What a frightening thought. If you’re the German national soccer team coach, I mean.

Football

Uhm, I’m no Fußball aficionado or anything but is there such a thing as a Zweite Liga (second division) when it comes to national teams?

A German right-wing politician who caused outrage by racially disparaging footballer Jerome Boateng followed up Friday by saying the national team is “no longer … German in the classical sense”.

Alexander Gauland, of the Alternative for Germany (AFD) party, also questioned the loyalty of German-born international Mesut Ozil, who is of Turkish origin, for making the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca.

“Die Nationalmannschaft ist schon lange nicht mehr deutsch.”

Dalai Lama Now A German Right-Wing Populist Anti-Immigration Racist Jerk

Talk about your politically incorrect behavior. Why this is practically bordering on common sense!

Dalai Lama

In a recent interview with the Frankfurter Allgemeinen Zeitung, the incarnation of Avalokitesvara and the Bodhisattva of Compassion himself, otherwise known as the Dalai Lama, had the unmitigated audacity to weigh in on Germany’s refugee policy, or the lack of it, and like, you know, indirectly criticize it and stuff.

Noting that the moral superpower “cannot become an Arab country” and that “there are too many refugees there in the meantime” and that “these refugees should only be permitted to stay for a limited amount of time before going back to rebuild their home countries,” the brazen Tibetan monk has caused a violent wave of Schnappatmung (wild gasp-like breathing fits) among the morally indignant everywhere. In Germany, I mean. And there’s lots of them folks, believe you me.

Just who does this guy think he is? Other than the freakin’ Dalai Lama, I mean. And he calls himself a Christian man.

“Deutschland kann kein arabisches Land werden.”

EU Demands 20% Steaming Crap Quota

Sorry. I meant streaming crap quota, of course. You know, when it comes to what Netflix and Amazon Prime is allowed to offer its customers here in Europe?

Film

That’s right. The European Commission is planning to introduce a quota ensuring that at least 20 percent of the content offered by Netflix and Amazon Prime are European productions. This “identity-building measure” is necessary, the commissioners say, in order to, well, build identity (the European Commission’s identity?) and of course to continue to protect films and series that nobody wants or intends to watch but to keep on subsidizing anyway (“culture” in ze Europe is regulated by unelected state bureaucrats who know better than you and are here to help you whether you want their help or not  and not by yucky old and vulgar supply and demand – just in case you were wondering).

“Wir halten 20 Prozent für sehr maßvoll.”

Bayern Munich Wins DFB Cup For The 2,397th Time

What a surprise or something. And right here in Berlin, too. And that after another fascinating goalless finish in normal time. I got lucky, though. I only injured my forehead twice (slightly) nodding off during the match.

Hummels

Bayern management has already announced plans to celebrate the occasion by buying the next best Borussia Dortmund superstar money can buy. If there are still any left that they haven’t bought already, I mean. You know, the rich get richer and all that?

Während Bayerns Thomas Müller im Pokalfinale einfach “die Eier in die Hand” nimmt, versagen Borussia Dortmund im Elfmeterschießen die Nerven. Das nächste Titeltrauma veranlasst BVB-Coach Tuchel zu einem Feuerwerk der Selbstkritik – inklusive einer verbalen Abschieds-Ohrfeige für Mats Hummels.

Monsanto Not Nearly As Evil As It Was Just A Few Hours Ago

That’s because a German company is now trying to buy it (although they do appear to be choking on it at the moment). Germans are like Green with a capital G or something, you see.

Soybeans

It (Monsanto) has been characterized variously as sinister, evil and a corporate bully. Surveys rank it among the most hated companies in America. And now Bayer AG wants to buy it…

“Monsanto has been better defined by the critics than they should’ve been. We see often times a company has a terrible reputation that often is not that they’ve done something horrendously bad. They’ve just let others define them.”

Von Monstermais und Frankenfood: Die Welt hat sich verändert. Vor hundert Jahren ernteten Getreidebauern in Deutschland je Hektar kaum ein Viertel der Menge, die die Landwirte heute einfahren.