We Don’t Do Dirty Work

January 22, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Bundeswehr, Foreign Policy, France, German, Germans, Germany, Islamic Terrorists, Mali, Responsibility, Terror Leave a comment

Yet again (this time not in Mali).

German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle: “The deployment of German combat troops is not an option. And I have to mention just one more point. We Germans are highly involved in Afghanistan, where the French are hardly involved at all.”

The French are not alone in their criticism of Berlin. Political leaders in the US and Britain also find it aggravating that Germany presents itself as a peace-loving power and leaves all the dirty work to the others. Mistrust of Berlin has been especially strong since the German government abstained in the United Nations vote over the Libya intervention two years ago — the only Western country on the Security Council not to support the measure — and refused to provide its NATO allies with military aid. “As is usually the case these days, Germany … is keeping its head down,” wrote the British daily Guardian last week. Westerwelle’s “mealy-mouthed statements leave a bad taste,” commented the newspaper.

“We never explain what we want to achieve, we always talk about how we can stay out of things.”

10 Years Of College Down The Drain

December 28, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Police, Police Academy, Satire, Training Leave a comment

I mean 10 years of hilarious German-Afghan Police Academy high jinks!

German officials have been training police in Afghanistan for a decade, but a visit to their training center in Mazar-e-Sharif creates major doubts about the effectiveness of the mission. Afghan police remain poorly prepared to tackle the mighty challenges they will face as Western forces withdraw.

“What we want to achieve with the recruits is a change in mentality,” says a German instructor. “More team spirit, a better sense of community, more loyalty. More soccer, less buzkashi*.”

*Buzkashi is the Afghan national sport and is a game in which horsemen battle over a goat carcass.

Bundeswehr On The Front Line Again

July 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Arms Sales, Army, Berlin, Bundeswehr, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Industry, Sales, Ships, The Military, Weapons, Weapons Exports Leave a comment

When it comes to fighting for German weapon system exports, I mean. Talk about your military industrial complex. The Germans sure have one – and are clearly in denial about it – which is the real news item here if you ask me. Take the latest sale of frigates to Algeria, for instance (I mean please).

These pacifistic (German made) and very expensive peaceships not only make big profits for traditional Waffenschmiede (weapons makers) like Thyssen-Krupp Marine-Systeme, they finally give Germany’s alibi army something vernünftig (reasonable) to do: Train the folks who might actually be using these weapons one day – and in a thoroughly German thorough way, too, I am sure.

Who says the Bundeswehr isn’t an effective force? No, not a fighting one, as a sales force.

“Die Ausbildung wird in Deutschland und auf Hoher See stattfinden.”

Germans Now Allowed To Shoot At Pirates

April 19, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, Defense, EU, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Operation Atalanta, Piracy, Pirates, Satire, Somalia, The Use of Force Leave a comment

On land, even. No, not these pirates. These pirates down here.

Well, they won’t actually be shooting at the pirates per se (that would be bad), but more like at their equipment and stuff. You know, at the loot and the booty on the beaches? This will make the pirates run away and never come back again or at least become good or something.

It is all part of the EU’s anti-pirate Operation Atalanta off the Somali coast so it’s OK for Germans to do this, really.

The German opposition continues to criticise the operation as risky overreach for the forces and has vowed to vote against it.

A Leaner Non-Fighting Force

October 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, High Art, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, Defense Industry, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire, Weapons industry 2 Comments

Germany has announced 31 military base closures and the significant scaling back of 90 others as part of a major overhaul of the country’s armed forces which everybody here knows will never be used in any real combat situations anyway.

“Cuts or not, the German military must remain able to not deploy in an entire range of situations,” one high-ranking, unnamed Bundeswehr official said.

“This includes in particular missions in dangerous armed conflicts as well as high-intensity combat missions our government will regularly forbid us to participate in.”

When asked if these cuts might have a negative effect upon German defense industry firms involved in the extremely lucrative production of systems like the Eurofighter combat jet, the A400M military transport plane and the Leopard 2 and Puma tanks, to name just a very few, the official reassured all who cared to listen that the German military will do all in its power to seek other options to extend the orders for such weapons and will most certainly continue to order more of the same in the future.

“Our function as alibi army for the German defense and weapons export industry will continue to be our number one priority,” the official said, clicking his heels loudly or something.

The elimination of the draft will require making a career in the military more attractive in a country where part of the population is skeptical of military interventions. Germany didn’t support the international campaign in Libya.

German Soldiers Burning Out Like Flies

October 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Bundeswehr, Burn-out, German, Germans, Germany, Hypochondria 2 Comments

And here you thought American soldiers had it bad. Put yourselves in a German soldier’s boots for once already.

It seems that the many Bundeswehr reforms taking place these days (they’re basically cutting the German army down to the size of a large police force which will never be used either) strain German soldiers way too awful much. Particularly “overtime and anxiety about the future” afflict them grievously, I read.

“It is an unprecedented test of severity” for these soldiers and their families, causing frustration, turmoil and exhaustion and… Burn-out! You know, another one of those imaginary disease imports custom-made for German society, or the lack thereof (Burn-out is very fashionable here these days. Just the other day a Bundesliga soccer coach threw in his towel quite publicly. A freakin’ soccer coach?).

And the punch line of this article (which I originally assumed to be of a satirical nature)? Not a word was mentioned about Afghanistan or any possible stress that a German soldier might be experiencing there. I guess that means that it’s less stressful to be a German soldier in Afghanistan than it is to be one back home in Germany.

Although it must be kind of stressful, or at least confusing, being a combat soldier in an army that never takes part in any combat operations even when it is in a war that isn’t really a war because this is Germany and being in wars, although having an army, is no longer provided for. Damn. Just thinking about that has me burning out already.

“Es darf keine Reformverlierer geben.”

Germany Now Prepared To Send Troops To Libya

August 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germany, Humor, Libya, Military, Satire, Troops 3 Comments

Maybe. Just maybe. But first let’s wait and see what happens down there. And think this through thoroughly, as usual. Until it’s all over, I mean.

We don’t want to rush headless into this thing, after all. Spineless, maybe, but not headless.

Thanks, Germany or something. They couldn’t have done it without you but did anyway.

Die Bundesregierung wollte sich partout nicht am militärischen Einsatz gegen Oberst Gaddafi beteiligen. Nun zerfällt seine Diktatur – und für Deutschland zeigt sich das ganze Ausmaß dieser Fehlentscheidung.

Military restructuring?

October 27, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Troops Leave a comment

Ich bin gespannt (I’m dying to know what’ll happen here).

Sure, making the German Bundeswehr more efficient and less bureaucratic sounds like a great idea, at first.

But think it through, people: There are 250,000 troops right now, of which only 10,000 (tops) can ever be deployed at once (not put into real combat situations mind you, not officially anyway, “deployed”). And I’m not joking here with the numbers, by the way.

So what happens when they drop the number of troops down to 180,000? Are we really supposed to believe that once they do the Bundeswehr will “double the number of troops that can be deployed at any one time from 7,000 to 14,000?”

Wer’s glaubt wird selig! (A likely story.)

Volunteers of America, OK

August 13, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, History Tags: Berlin, Bundeswehr, Draft, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire 1 Comment

But volunteers of Germany? Good luck.

German Defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg is moving ahead with reform plans to reduce the Bundeswehr to 165,000 soldiers, effectively turning it into a volunteer army.

This is a controversial move in Germany because, well, every move in Germany is a controversial move. OK, OK. At least the ones that have to do with the military are.

But like who cares? It’s not as if this new professional German army is ever going to be used for military purposes either. Not unless everybody volunteers to, that is. And how likely is that?

Künftig sollen nur noch freiwillige Rekruten eingezogen werden: Die Planer rechnen mit 7500 Freiwilligen pro Jahr.

We’re not nearly as upset about Task Force 373 as we were last week

August 3, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hypocrisy Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

All the Germans who read Der Spiegel (and that’s all the Germans that there are) were selfrighteously outraged upon reading about American Task Force 373 after this latest WikiLeaks revelation thingy last week.

Now it turns out that the German government has been providing names to the hit list used by the unit. Oh boy, oh boy. The outrage that will now follow suit will be even more, well, not all that outrageous really, come to think of it. But still.

It has becomes clear that, even though German elite units such as Task Force 47 were not deployed to deliberately target people, their counterpart, the American special forces unit Task Force 373, which has since been renamed Task Force 3-10, takes on the dirty work and processes the hit lists — in the territory controlled by the Bundeswehr and on the basis of German information, no less.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Bundeswehr