Category Archives: Humor
This Is Tree-Hugger Treason!
Or treeson, I should say. What? They’re already ready to give up after a mere six years and just… leaf?
German police confront treehouse activists after six-year standoff – Hundreds of police officers have descended on a patch of forest in western Germany occupied by activists living in treehouses, in an escalation of a long-running environmental battle.
Dozens of protesters have occupied 60 treehouses, some as high as 25 metres off the ground, since 2012 in an attempt to protect the ancient Hambach forest from being felled to make way for the expansion of an open-pit coalmine.
Why, I’m shocked. Wood you believe it? And they were doing such a treemendous job up there, too. What do they do now? Look for a new branch of work?
Polizei holt ersten Hambach-Aktivisten von Plattform.
Another German Initiative Bites The Dust
Although they moan the loudest about it, Germans and other vocal continental moaners have finally succeeded in doing away with that awful, terrible and truly horrible daylight savings time nonsense – an idea that they introduced in the first place.
The German Empire and Austria-Hungary organized the first nationwide implementation, starting on April 30, 1916. Many countries have used it at various times since then, particularly since the energy crisis of the 1970s.
A European Union online survey has concluded that a vast majority of the bloc’s citizens are against switching between summer and winter time. All signs point towards the EU now putting a stop to changing the clocks.
More than 80% of respondents to the largest online survey in EU history are in favour of abolishing changing the clocks in summer and winter, German newspaper Westfalenpost reports, citing well-informed sources in Brussels.
Es wäre sinnlos, die Bevölkerung erst zu einem Thema zu befragen, und dann, wenn es einem nicht passe, dem nicht zu folgen.
PS: Of the roughly five million Europeans who actually took part on the online survey over three million of them were German.
Germans Confused By Erdogan Statue
What’s there to be confused about? It’s a golden statue of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. In front of the fire department in freakin’ Wiesbaden, Germany. Or it least it used to be there.
The 4-meter (13-foot) statue of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan had been erected in Wiesbaden on Monday much to the surprise and confusion of the residents of the southwestern German city.
The larger-than-life effigy installed in the city’s Platz der Deutschen Einheit (German Unity Square) depicts Erdogan with a raised right arm, a pose reminiscent of the famous statue of the late former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, which American forces tore down in 2003 during the Iraq invasion…
It was an art installation, part of the Wiesbaden Biennale for Contemporary Art, but was erected without the knowledge of city officials, a Wiesbaden spokesperson told German news agency dpa on Tuesday. This year’s art festival is taking place under the motto “bad news.”
“Wir haben eine Reihe von irritierten Bürgern, die bei uns anrufen. Es ist für viele nicht erkennbar, dass es im Rahmen der Biennale läuft.”
And What About The Illegal Aliens From Outer Space?
World famous for opening their borders to illegal aliens from anywhere and everywhere else in this world, German Green politicians were recently stunned to discover that their government has failed to adequately prepare for the possible arrival of illegal aliens from other worlds.
“So how do you organize a welcome party for an alien race?” asked a flustered CDU politician during intense questioning. “You planet!” the Greens shouted back.
The German government says it has made no preparations for the possibility that aliens might land in the European country.
In a response to questions from opposition Green Party lawmaker Dieter Janecek, the government said “there are no protocols or plans for a possible first contact with alien life.”
“A first contact on German territory is extremely unlikely, based on today’s scientific knowledge.”
No Fake News Here
It’s called “miscommunication.”
This week, two individuals became the focus of global celebration following an unlikely and joyous confluence of circumstances.
The viral story went that two elderly men escaped their care facility to attend a metal festival in northern Germany (or, as one headline put it: “Elderly Men Escape Retirement Home to Go RAGE!!”).
Except they weren’t, and they didn’t.
The two men, as it turns out, are 58 and 59 years old and had escaped “a home for people with mental health issues,” according to the Associated Press, before traveling to Wacken, a city roughly 50 miles north of Hamburg. They arrived there at the same time that the Wacken Open Air music festival — referred to as the world’s largest for metal — was happening.
If they can’t or won’t get the facts straight on a harmless little story like this then imagine what kind of fairy tale twisting must be going with the more politicized stuff.
World Ending Again
In Germany.
In a country where everyone is always complaining about the lack of sunshine, several consecutive months of heat and sunshine (in other countries referred to as “the summer”) have led the alarmist fringe of the population (that’s roughly 97% of the population) to the scientific conclusion that they now find themselves smack dab in the middle of a major “state of meteorological emergency” and are all going to die even before the sky gets the chance to fall down. If only the gray skies and rain would come back so they could bitch and moan about that again! As nature intended.
What makes summer 2018 an exception is the unusually long period of heat. Such a persistent period of fine weather, with lots of sunshine and little rain, occurs on average once every 10 years at most in the country. And given the lack of rain, it’s not the heat that’s the problem, but the drought — especially in northern and eastern Germany, where there has been virtually no rainfall in some places since May.
This may be due to climate change, but it may also be unrelated. Germany has also experienced extreme droughts in previous years. In 1992, for example, when wheat withered away in the fields, wells dried up and priests prayed for rain at church services. Or in 1971, when forest fires flared up in many places across the country. Or in 1947, when even drinking water became scarce.
“Somebody is always complaining. It’s sheer nonsense.”
Germans Sitting Too Much – In Drafts
Whether at work or in front of the TV, Germans spend around 7.5 hours per day sitting, a study has found.
But worse still, much of that time these Germans are sitting in deadly German drafts (see German oddity 14).
14. A real German is a faithful practitioner of “Stoßlüftung” or inrush airing. This is when someone quickly rips several windows wide open for a few minutes to let some fresh, preferably ice-cold arctic air into what had been your warm and cozy apartment or office up until then. When it comes to leaving windows open for a longer period of time, however, Germans are clearly divided into two distinct ideological groups. The first group is the “shut the window right this minute because there’s a draft” faction (Germans are terrified of drafts). The second group is the “open the window again immediately because it smells like the cat house at the zoo” faction. Strangely, these two groups appear to be equally distributed in homes and offices across the nation so the fun with windows never stops here.
Fresh air or deathly drafts? Germans’ belief in the myth that breezes make you sick is completely overblown.
Germans Outraged That Trump Would Not Go To War For Montenegro
The Germans certainly would.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
These people kill me sometimes. Figuratively speaking.
Montenegro, a former Yugoslav republic with a population of about 630,000, joined NATO last year, becoming is 29th member. Its military only numbers about 2,000 personnel.
The only time Article 5 was ever invoked was by America after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks conducted by al-Qaeda.
Für ein kleines Land wie Montenegro in den Krieg ziehen? Donald Trump hat in einem Interview Zweifel an der Bündnistreue der USA innerhalb der Nato gesät. Der US-Präsident machte eine vielsagende Andeutung.
Germans Not Only Fear Donald Trump More Than Vlad Putin
According to an unreleased secret poll yet in my possession…
Over ninety-seven percent of Germans asked also fear Donald Trump more than Joseph Stalin, Caligula, Jack the Ripper, Freddy Krueger, Jaws (does he, like, actually have a name?) and Chuck Norris. Combined. To name just a few.
The United States may be Germany’s No. 1 ally, but two-thirds of Germans think that the US president is more dangerous than his Russian counterpart. That’s not surprising when you look at Germany’s political priorities.
“Vor einem US-Präsidenten Donald Trump habe ich definitiv mehr Angst als vor Putin.”
Observing Hermann 