Brain Quest: A Fantastic Voyage through the Progressive Mind

Available on December 26, 2017! Reserve your copy today for $0.99 and get a huge discount off the regular price. Pre-order now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Smashwords and other select retailers.

Brain Quest

Mission Nemo simply must succeed. If the crew of the Super Small Miniaturized Nano-like Operations Wessel S. S. Minnow fails to destroy the inoperable anti-capitalist coagulum lodged in Maurice Moore’s progressive brain, how will General De Klein’s Federal Department of Antidotes operatives at SUCFACE Mission Control find out if Leftylometazoline (aka LeftX) really works? Would this usher in the final stage of the liberal clerisy’s clandestine collectivist conspiracy to abolish our few remaining individual freedoms forever? That would not please President Thump one microscopic little bit.

Join Major Miles Stone and his disturbingly alluring crew on their miniaturized mission through the left and lefter hemispheres of the progressive brain. Their fantastic voyage is a race against time that takes them through such redoubtable regions as the Clinton Vortex, the Che Guevara Gray Area and the Obama Trauma Center itself. Here they bravely confront such anatomical monstrosities as the fantasist frontalis, the hyperbolthalamus and the dreaded pious aspiration node. Their progressive brain journey only gets progressively worse as they are repeatedly attacked by repulsive swarms of nanny neurons, doomsday dendrons, robin hoodlums and the formidable radical egalitarian bacterium. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, and their deadly arsenal of passing phasers, millennial mindset missiles, moral busybody antibodies and Condescendium®, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost.

The tension never stops building during this thrilling tale of adventure, danger, suspense and romance. And lust. Will Captain Hanna Grenada’s irresistible animal magnetism finally seduce the Major into experiencing something vaguely resembling basic human emotion? Can the all too communicative HAL 9999 super computer and his annoying eye drones really be trusted to operate the ship? And will the Minnow’s political corrector deflectors and smug shields hold, allowing Stone and his crew to reach their target and ignite the liberal bombast bomb in time? I could tell you but that would ruin the suspense.

Not your everyday dystopian science-fiction erotic horror political thriller, this bombastic bombshell of a book knows no shame when it comes to overwhelming you with its serious silliness, wanton wackiness and forthright, flat-out farce. Purchase it now before it is too late or something. Soon to be made into a major motion picture. Or maybe it has been already. There is also time travel involved here, after all.

German Of The Day: Weltkriegsbombe

That means second world war bomb.

Weltkriegsbombe

And that is what this zucchini up there is not, of course, although the retired gardener who discovered this thing mistook it for one and called the cops to come and have it defused.

They didn’t diffuse it directly, of course, but one of the cops cooked up one mean dish of baked Parmesan zucchini. Or certainly could have.

Bombe oder Zucchini? In Baden-Württemberg hat ein Mann die Polizei alarmiert, weil er die Frucht in seinem Garten für eine Weltkriegsbombe hielt.

He Opened The Door For Me

“And this other creep said he liked my new Frisur (hairstyle).”

Sex

German men would never do that, of course. They just grab knees and do other more direct kind of sexually harassing stuff like that. And they’re apparently pretty fleißig (diligent) at it, too.

One in two women in Germany has experienced some form of sexual harassment, a new YouGov survey showed. The poll comes amid global outrage over sexual assault allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein.

Only one in two? No way. I get globally outraged myself just reading that. Why don’t they just print the truth as it is meant to be and say that all German women have been sexually harassed (or at least all of them will have been very soon – we’ve only got two hands, ladies) and just move on already. To the next global outrage, I mean.

“In 20 years of show business I’ve never been sexually harassed by a man. But that is probably because I find sexual advances from men basically enjoyable and see them as compliments, not as harassment.”

This Book Put The Coffee In Coffee-Table Book

You’re going to need a whole lot of it. Coffee. Just to leaf through this thing.

German Business Plants

Leaf, get it?

I simply must have it. And Christmas is coming up, folks. I mean, you know, if a few of you want to chip in together to get it for me or something…

In Busch’s minimalist compositions and stark, even lighting, the plants look tragic and comedic at the same time. To vivify the interior life of these peripheral office props, the Hamburg-based photographer gave each plant a name and unique personalities, and the “plant portraits” are captioned with wry observations: “Ingrid isn’t giving up” describes a droopy aloe vera on a window sill. “This is Renee, and Renee is keeping a secret,” refers to a slender indoor cactus that’s conceivably been a silent witness to top secret company meetings. And “Ute suffers from daydreaming” is the caption to a parched dragon tree appearing to ponder an escape from its banal captivity.

PS: If you’re looking for more fascinating reading material you ought to give this puppy a try.

German Of The Day: Diese Fahrt Endet Hier

That means this drive or line (as in bus line) terminates here.

Fahrt

Of course a foreign, English-speaking  person like yourself might think that it means “this fart ends here.” You know, like the buck stops here only it’s a fart? That would be incorrect, however. So don’t think that.

Over the past 18 months, a crime scandal has been rocking Berlin. It’s one that so far has required the work of 23 officials, necessitated a court appearance, and, this week, provoked protests from a politician on the floor of Berlin’s Senate. It’s the unusual nature of the crime that has provoked such controversy and upset. It wasn’t an act of violence against a person, a case of damage to property, or of fraud. It was, in fact, a fart.

Pups kostet Steuerzahler knapp 87 Euro.

Hertha Berlin To Take Kneeling To The Next Level

Anybody can take a stand by kneeling these days, I guess. That’s easy.

Hertha

Berlin’s beloved soccer team Hertha BSC is doing this kneeling stuff now, too. Wow. Who would have thought that Germans play the American national anthem over here before game time? I had no idea.

Anyway, Hertha’s doing pretty well so far this season so one fan is suggesting that they should go whole hog and try playing in kneeling position throughout the entire game and/or season. The rules are simple: You’re allowed to switch knees only three times during a game. The Star Spangled Banner must be playing at all times, of course. Just a thought.

Der amerikanische Sportler-Protest gegen Diskriminierung erreicht nun auch Deutschland. Vor der Bundesliga-Partie in Berlin setzen die Spieler der Hertha ein bemerkenswertes Zeichen.

 

Deutsche Post Introduces New Robotic Technology To Deliver Packages Late More Efficiently

Intent on keeping up with the times, the German Post is now in the process of introducing a so-called Postbot that will help human postmen deliver their packages later than ever before, or not at all.

Postbot

Based on their human counterparts, the Postbot will regularly call in sick, inexplicably lose letters and packages assigned to it once it leaves the post office and regularly pretend to have ringed at apartments located two floors or higher before leaving a notice in the mailbox claiming that nobody was home when they were there. The Postbot will do this noticably faster and more efficiently, however, failing to deliver up to seven times the number of undelivered packages normal German postmen fail to deliver.

Union officials have expressed concern that the Postbot could threaten Deutsche Post jobs and insists that the robot must be granted obligatory union memborship to help slow down this frantic pace of technological advance.

In zwei Zustellbezirken wird das vierrädrige, 1,50 Meter hohe Gefährt den Boten hinterher fahren. Es könne bis zu 150 Kilo Briefe und Pakete transportieren, stoppe vor Hindernissen und überwinde Bordsteine. Mittels Sensoren erkennt er die Beine der menschlichen Postboten und folgt ihnen in Schrittgeschwindigkeit.

 

German Of The Day: Geld Stinkt Nicht

That means money doesn’t stink.

Geld

Unless, maybe, you’re at the Oktoberfest and you’re a drunken tourist. A really, really, really drunken tourist. And then you have to use the toilet and can’t find any toilet paper there so you decide to use the money in your wallet instead (no, not the coins). And then you put that money back in your wallet again. And then those nice men from the Oktoberfest come to take you away so you can call your wife to have her come pick you up from their Oktoberfest detox cell.

It’s shared memories like those that are the best, don’t you think?

Too bad this guy didn’t know anything about money laundering. Prost (cheers)!

Aufgrund seines desolaten Zustandes wurde er in Gewahrsam genommen und zur Wiesn-Wache gebracht Die Beamten verständigten seine Ehefrau, die den 39-Jährigen abholte. Ich glaube nicht, dass die sehr erfreut war.

Can We Keep Schönefeld Open, Too?

Tegel was only voted 8th worst airport in the world recently, after all. Schönefeld was numero uno. But now another vote is in.

Tegel

Berliners voted to keep the historic Tegel airport open even after a new international hub is completed, creating a headache for the German capital’s government, which wanted it closed.

Tegel sprang up in just 90 days in 1948 to support the Berlin Airlift, a huge operation to ship supplies and thwart a Cold War Soviet blockade. It is much-loved by many Berliners and business travellers for its proximity to the city center.

Berlin’s government will now have to rethink its plans to close Tegel after some 56 percent of voters supported the non-binding referendum on Sunday, the same day as Germany’s federal election, to reconsider the proposal.

“The result has created a very, difficult situation that could be legally and financially challenging.” Another chance for the Berlin Senat to excel, I say.

If I Had A Vision I’d Go See My Doctor

Die Mitte (the middle) is where it’s at, folks. Well it’s certainly where I’m at. And you can’t have visions from here in the middle. I mean, I may not always know what I stand for but I always know where I’m standing..

Mitte

And that’s what Germans want, the middle. The middle of the middle, even. The middler the better. No meddling with the middle. We’re right in the middle of an election campaign, after all. Did you know that Mittelmaß (literally “the middle measure”) means mediocrity in German?

Sure, there was a little Abweichung (deviation) from the middle with that batshit crazy refugee number of mine. Quite a big deviation, actually. But I apologized. Sort of. And now I’m back home, smack dab in the middle of where you want me to be. Just call me. Mutti. Mutti in the middle.

See you on Sunday!

Perhaps the closest she came to setting out a vision was a year ago, as she presented this year’s budget in parliament. Germany, she said, has seen a lot of change since World War II, and “change isn’t a bad thing.” But she also vowed to defend the status quo in the broadest sense of the term: “Germany will remain Germany, with all that we love and hold dear about it.”

“Whoever has visions should go see a doctor.”
– Helmut Schmidt