German Of The Day: Verpufft

April 14, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Elections, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Martin Schulz, Media, Newspapers, Polls, Popularity, SPD, Surveys Leave a comment

That means fizzled out.

Scientists recently hired to find traces of the mythical “Schulz Effect” in Germany are said to be busy preparing their resumes for new employment opportunities as the search for the mysterious, ethereal force has proven to be much more difficult than originally expected.

Meanwhile, German newspapers (ARD-Deutschlandtrend) are reporting that Martin Schulz’ popularity has dropped significantly behind that of his opponent Angela Merkel and even behind that of German foreign minister Sigmar Gabriel, the previous SPD loser candidate he was brought here from Brussels to replace.

Verpufft or not, let us continue to wish these scientists all the best for the future because, after all, science marches on. Or in the words of Max Planck: “A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.“

Leading Purveyor Of Nazi Analogies Explains Why This Is A Really Dumb Thing To Do

April 13, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Assad, Chemical Weapons, German, Germans, Germany, Hitler, Language, Nazis, Sean Spicer, Syria Leave a comment

A government spokesman for a country in which Nazi analogies are passed about daily like warme Semmeln (hot cakes) has explained to White House spokesman Sean Spicer that this is a really counterproductive and stupid thing to do.

The spokesman for the chancellor of said country then went on to explain that comments about chemical weapons Spicer had made comparing gas-happy Syrian President Bashar Assad to Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler could never be a wise idea “because we in my country have been making comparisons like these for ages already, calling practically anyone who annoys us in the slightest way a Nazi, and yet we still can’t seem to figure out how pointless and senseless it is. Leads to nothing. A total waste of time. Believe me, I know. I do it on a regular basis myself. Like when that guy took the parking space I wanted this morning. It’s genetic or something. Not racial or anything, OK? Genetic.”

Die Bundesregierung hat sich zum Assad-Hitler-Vergleich von Trumps Sprecher Sean Spicer geäußert. So etwas führe “zu nichts Gutem”, sagte Regierungssprecher Seibert.

Green With Envy

April 11, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: CO2, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Hybrids, Political Parties, Politicians 3 Comments

Or with hypocrisy. Take your pick. In this case it’s both.

For a political party that wants no more gas/diesel-driven cars to be produced in Germany as of 2030, their talking head types sure seem to like the ones they can still get their sweaty little hands on.

A leading green politician lady was caught on film by the CDU competition as she got out of her CO2-belching Audi A8 Dienstwagen (official car) and into one of them there more correct kind of hybrid models – before driving off to an election campaign event.

The CDU guy who posted his stuff on social media wrote: “First have yourself driven to Dusseldorf in a big honking Audi A8 and then quickly jump into your waiting environmentally friendly hybrid car in the hope that nobody notices. Here’s to Green double standards!”

If I were her I’d just plead the fifth. Or tell everybody that I was suffering from performance anxiety, a very common ailment here.

„Kleiner Tipp an Frau Löhrmann: Beim nächsten Mal das Fahrzeug vielleicht besser in der Tiefgarage wechseln.“

Das war Klingonisch

March 27, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech, High Art, Humor Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Kids, Klingon, Language, Learning, Star Trek, TV Leave a comment

That was Klingon.

Die Sendung mit der Maus, or The Show with the Mouse, is a German children’s show that’s been around since the ‘70s. Every episode, the topics of the week are introduced twice— once in German, and then in another language.

German Of The Day: Pest oder Cholera

March 26, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: CDU, Elections, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Merkel, Saarland, Schulz, SPD 4 Comments

That means the plague or cholera. You know, as in having to choose between the two?

That’s what voters in Saarland get to do today: Ch00se between Merkel’s too big to fail plague or “Schulz effect” cholera. May the best pestilence win.

Germany’s election year gets under way in earnest on Sunday when voters in Saarland choose a new state assembly, the first test of the Social Democrats’ surge in polls since they chose Martin Schulz to run against Merkel in September. The chancellor’s Christian Democrat-led bloc and the SPD were even at 32 percent each in an Infratest Dimap national poll published Friday.

Twisted German Scientists Devise Fake Sun

March 24, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Renewable energy, Science, Solar energy, Sun, Synlight Leave a comment

In a desperate attempt to save Germany’s failing renewable energy revolution, a group of depraved German scientists has devised a fake sun to keep German solar power plants running at night (one of the depraved scientists can be seen below).

The “Synlight” artificial sun, soon to be placed in low geocentric orbit above the country, uses lots and lots and lots of xenon short-arc lamps that generate 4,000 times the wattage of the average light bulb and will be switched on during varying intervals between 19:00 in the evening and 04:00 in the early morning hours, hopefully allowing German solar energy plants to finally produce enough energy to operate small radios and kitchen appliances simultaneously (but too many at once). Provided it isn’t too cloudy outside, of course. Which it practically always is here. But still.

“In four hours the system uses about as much electricity as a four-person household in a year.”

Steinmeier First President Ever To Put Parliamentarians Asleep During First Half Of Swearing-In Ceremony

March 22, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Presidents, Steinmeier Leave a comment

In a refreshing twist on the rather staid traditions of German presidential swearing-in ceremonies of the past, Germany’s new president, Frank-Walter Steinmeier (SPD), broke with protocol and chose a speech that put a large number of German parliamentarians asleep a mere seven minutes into the ceremony.

“Wah?” said one startled representative from Rhineland-Palatinate as a Bundestag usher gently nudged him awake. “Good point. I couldn’t agree more!”

Steinmeier is regarded by many in Berlin as possessing the qualities necessary for the office of president: He is boring, ineffective, mediocre in every way and… Boring.

“Germany needs strong leadership, especially in the current situation.”

Voice Analysis Software To The Rescue

March 20, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Asylum Seekers, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Migrants, Refugees, Software Leave a comment

Being that over 60 percent of the million or so migrants seeking asylum in Germany do not have any identification papers on them and are not always “open” about where they actually came from, Germany authorities are planning to use speech analysis technology to help straigten this out and thus speed up the asylum seeking process.

Migrants from Bavaria, for instance, speak a unique dialect of German that natives of, say, Hamburg or Frankfurt find difficult to understand. Berlin migrants, on the other hand, often speak Berlinisch, a metrolect mixture not always well-received in other parts of the country. This voice analysis software will quickly identify these differences and thus enable authorities to send these folks back to the Bundesland (federal state) they came from. For further processing there, I mean.

“I don’t see how automated software can distinguish whether a person uses a certain word or pronounces it in a particular way because this is part of their own repertoire or because they were primed to do so by the interviewer or interpreter.”

You Say Potato

March 13, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Meetings, Merkel, Trump, Washington 1 Comment

I say Kartoffel.

Let’s call the whole thing off.

“I can be the most presidential person ever.” But… “Always be more than you appear and never appear to be more than you are.”

Berlin Doesn’t Need A New Airport After All

March 9, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Airports, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Polls, Surveys, Travel 2 Comments

You know, the new one that still hasn’t opened yet and perhaps never will? No. Berlin is already number one when it comes to airports. So let’s move on already, people.

1. Berlin Schönefeld Airport (SXF) in Deutschland
2. London Luton Airport (LTN) in Großbritannien
3. New York LaGuardia Airport (LGA) in den USA
4. New York J. F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) in den USA
5. Brüssel Charleroi Airport (CRL) in Belgien
6. Lima International Airport (LIM) in Peru
7. Rom Ciampino Airport (CIA) in Italien
8. Berlin Tegel Airport (TXL) in Deutschland
9. Paris Charles De Gaulle Airport (CDG) in Frankreich
10. Paris Orly Airport (ORY) in Frankreich

Sure, this is a list of the world’s worst airports (according to a survey taken by eDreams), but still. Both of Berlin’s airports under the top ten. Nice try New York and Paris but toodaloo muddafrika…

Zwei deutsche Flughäfen unter den Top 10.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Humor